December 30th~ 50 Days...

December 30th 2011

Somber day.. thinking a lot about Tommy.. We went to see Tin Tin, I kept thinking that Tommy would have LOVED that movie~ sweet face Tin Tin is kind smart adventurous… I imagined in a year or so renting the movie, all snuggled up in our bedroom popcorn in hand and Tommy sweet face enthralled with Tin Tin and his adventurous spirit. I know its kinda sad to sit and think about the "would be's"… but sometimes I can't help but go there. I think it is only natural.. After the movie we ran some errands, my LOVE of buying toys especially at Creative Kidstuff, walking in nearly took my breath away. Linden Hills CKS (creative kidstuff) nearly knocked me straight on my fanny. Last time I was in there I ogled at the baby stuff, Tommy only being around 4wks old.. I made a mental note of what I wanted to buy for my little Tommy.. Walking past all those baby accessories, toys, gadgets… thump thump thump (heart is beating nearly out of my chest) a wave (ha! tidal wave) of sadness threatens to overtake me…. I look at the 3+mos toys thinking I WISH I could buy those for Tommy… almost in tears walking aimlessly throughout the store~ why… oh why Tommy… I want to buy him little things, I want to see him play, I want I want I want… Him. There it is. I want Tommy, I know where he is, I know it is the BEST place… I know.. but I still want… Tommy. 

Today Jack and I both agitated and sad… holding it in until it burst.. I go inward, Jack goes outward.. we bicker about soup.. ya soup! ha! It came and went in a blink of an eye.. Why was it so hard today… actually it wasn't hard, more sad. really sad. 

I know I was blessed, very very blessed to have 2mos with Tommy.. sometimes it is easier other times it is hard… Losing Tommy has taught me that nothing is for certain and that in a blink of an eye your entire world can change, we always assume that everything will go as "planned" (as we planned)… Not the case. Not for us. I read in a book something that completely is Me, I could have written it! 

Silent Cries…

There are times in my life when my heart cries out soooo loud for you that I cringe,

Wondering what others might think

Then I realize that ONLY I can hear the screams. 

They are apart of me,

Like the blood rushing thru my veins

And the breath leaving my lungs…

I am not the same person I was before Tommy passed. Sometimes I am dull… very dull, I am even bored by myself now… sometimes when talking to people I am just plain awkward. I can't help it I am getting used to the "new" me. I have to try and figure out this person I am now…. just a little fyi it isn't easy for me. I am just forewarning that it will probably take some time.. It took a while to become the "old" me, it is going to take a while for me to be comfortable with the "new" me…The night I saw my sweet son, my Tommy die, a pain tore through my heart and spirit, it ripped out a chunk of my heart, attacking my spirit with such a rage it scares me to even think about it and after it left my old self for dead.. A amazing friend, who I swear God tries to speak thru her to me… she described how she looks at what has happened as… I could NOT explain it better myself… That I was on this path, well worn, my past lies there, old habits, memories and looking ahead I knew what MY plans are, our family milestones are set as well as expectations (aka assumptions).. I got thrown from that path onto a new one where I am blind, all I can do is trust God, hold his hand tight bc I have NO IDEA where I am headed… All the while glancing at my old path, desiring to be on it, it was so comfortable, I knew where I was headed.. it is a path where Tommy's "future" was, where ALL of my hopes and dreams are!! I want to be there.. I cannot bear to look at it for long bc it just plain kills me. This new path is hard, but you add the fact I am a different person makes is just annoyingly difficult!  I feel like there is this mystique when it comes to grief… somewhere along the lines of you should be the same person, have the same hopes and dreams, and that you'll eventually "get over it"~ sad to say NOT the case. You completely change as a person, you do NOT have the same hopes and dreams, and you never get over it (if that were a possibility I would do it in a heart beat)….  I also believe you can use grief to positively affect your life or as others do steep in the grief, allowing it to permeate every aspect of their lives… (ahh..no thank you).  I want to grow, be strengthened, to be bettered, to help others, to do something great~ I want to honor what God gave me, I want to honor Tommy.. When my time comes, I want to get to Heaven and have Tommy say "Mommy! Your HERE!!! I am so proud of you, I saw you in pain, I saw you cry and scream out upon missing me…I prayed with Jesus and he answered your prayers, he gave you peace, strength, comfort, signs and his love!! You kept going, kept loving… I saw you in the depths of pain and climb out a more amazing person.. I loved how you loved me every day of your life.. I was sent to you to change you, dad, and those around you… I have waited with great anticipation of your arrival here in Heaven. Oh I am so glad you are here! I love you"…. That is what I hope for, that is what I desire in my heart of hearts… I am beyond excited to see my sweet boy again, I am equally excited for what God has in store for us…… 

when I am afraid, I will trust in you.

in God whose word I praise, in God I trust.

I will not be afraid. 

Love B

December 27th~ 47 Days

December 27th 2011

Christmas.. the days leading up to the 25th were hard.. very hard. From dropping off Tommy's wreath at his grave, to driving away feeling like I have been stripped of my job as his mommy (here on earth) and to listening to Estella saying she wishes Tommy didn't die and that she misses him. Christmas Day was filled with sadness and abounding joy. If it weren't for Estella we'd be in a different place, one overwhelmed by grief… I caught a glimpse of what the future will hold for me. This was supposed to be Tommy's first Christmas, there will be a "second" a "third" so on and so on. 10 years from now it will 10yrs with out him.. no stocking hung above the fireplace for Tommy, no presents under the tree for him, no surprised look on Tommy's face at what lies inside those wrapped gifts, no sheer excitement when santa comes… I think of what it will be like when I get older, going through all those milestone moments of Tommy's life but with out him here… how can I remember my sweet Tommy, keeping him alive in my heart and mind and still be happy, healthy and full of life. I know I can do it with God... I feel like I have been stripped of my sons life experiences, all that I wanted for him… I feel somewhat selfish saying that because it makes me sounds unappreciative of Gods plan for our lives.. But it is how I feel. I read like a maniac, everything I can get my hands on when it comes to loss of a child and grief.. All the books say to do things to commemorate his sweet life, celebrating birthdays, giving a Christmas present to a child from Tommy.. and also celebrating the day Tommy went to Heaven. I imagine myself 65yrs old, a small little cake, I blow out the candle, release a light blue balloon and blow a kiss up to the heavens for Tommy… once again asking my brother to paint yet another elephant painting to give a parent who has lost their child… And on the day Tommy went to Heaven go to his grave and release another blue balloon.. I try and imagine where the pictures of my sweet little boy will be in our house, will they be peppered in with my other children's (probably)? or kept in a scared spot.. How will I explain to our other children that they have a older brother which they cannot see or touch? Will they be ok with us honoring Tommy? Will they love him like we do?? I know I probably sound insane, but these are my crazy thoughts… after I have exhausted my mind with the will's, when's, how's… I pray that God guides me, to hold me and heal me.  I have been having these "flashes" of memories... of walking around in our house, holding Tommy, going about my day and just enjoying  being his mommy.. rocking him in the sunroom and loving the peace he brought me.. most of those moments feel like a dream. It almost as though Tommy was here long enough to make a lasting impression on my heart, but not fully rip it out when he left. 

On Christmas I spoke with my aunt, she said she could just tell Tommy was wise beyond his years and an angel here on earth. I believe she was right. I gaze at pictures of Tommy off and on all day. I just don't want to ever forget him, his sweet face and the love I have for him.. I miss him terribly. We have been so busy, holiday gatherings pretty much non-stop until yesterday (11 days straight)… I am so glad to have a few days of down time.. it is often exhausting to get ready, meet people and try to allow myself a few moments of joy, it is hard when you have a heavy heart… Seems like towards the end of conversations I end up answering the questions "are you going to have more? when would you try again?" oddly this question seems to bother other people more than me, in that I mean others seem to have a opinion on whether or not we should try again and when.. Yes Yes Yes we are going to (god willing) have more kids.. I thought and said I was done after Tommy, but now I would like at least 2 possibly 3 more.. and as to the when, as soon as we can. Due to the c-section we can't for a few more months.. I don't know if people totally understand, when you lose a child (especially one you tried to have for 2yrs) you want to have more because that was the whole reason~ wanting more children. No other child can replace the one you lost, no other child can fill that hole in your heart.. I don't think people fully understand the concept of we are NOT, CANNOT in any way replace Tommy, nor do we want to.. 

I am excited for the new year. To see what God has planned for Jack and I. I am hopeful for healing, blessings and everything else that comes our way.

Love B

December 22nd~ 42 Days...

December 22nd 2011

Dear Tommy, 

It has been 6 weeks since you left to go to Heaven. 6 weeks since I have been able to kiss you, hold you, tell you I love you.. 6 weeks since our lives changed, 6 weeks since your sweet smile lit up our lives with joy… 6 weeks of strength I did not know I could ever possess (thru God!).. 6 weeks since I have been graced by God, shown that there are miracles happening all around us… And 6 weeks since you took a piece of my heart with you and my heart has not been whole. You came into the world as PURE joy to us. You were so beautiful, I have not seen a more serene, sweet and truly perfect baby until I had you. I coined you my little blessing, you still are and forever will be. You changed me, really you did! I was at peace with you in my arms, no longer having worries or 'wants' in life it is as if you truly filled me up. I don't know how you did it but, by having you I found myself. You made me better in every way~ but especially as a mother, you made me feel like I excelled in ways not previously known. My heart grew in bounds, I honestly had NO idea how much I could love until I loved you. There is not a moment that goes by that I don't miss you. Sometimes I feel like you were a dream, so beautiful and perfect~ I cannot believe how blessed I was to be your mom, to be able to take care of you and to love you.. I miss waking up and you being the first thing I see every morning, I miss waking up at night having quiet moments with you, I miss everything about being you Mommy…. I miss watching you in your little gym with Estella next to you and you guys batting at the toys! I miss seeing you..your beautiful face... feeling you in my arms… My heart literally wrenches at the thought of you not here, my eyes fill with tears and there is a lump in my throat that near chokes me… Estella misses her sweet baby brother~ she has told me in full assurance that YOU were an angel, not a baby but a angel.. sounds like she knew more that we did (or do!). She talks about you often and when she misses you she asks to hear your song… she twirls around and smiles. You have made all of us better, I promise we will never forget you. You will always be my second child, my first boy and my beautiful angel. I will miss you all the days of my life, I will hold you in my heart because I cannot hold you in my arms, I will continue to love you just as if you were here with me… It is hard because I know you are in a better place, but ohhh such a bid part of me still wishes you were in my arms. It isn't easy to say goodbye to someone you love, but having to say goodbye to you has been…. impossible~ difficult just doesn't fully embody how I feel.  I am sorry you suffered that horrible night, I am sorry I didn't know you were sick. All I can say is God had a plan for you, for us and everyone in our lives…even though I don't understand fully I have to trust Him. I cannot wait to see you again, I pray that You are the first one I see in Heaven… (well first one after Jesus).. I wonder if you are going to be a baby or a little boy or ?… In my silent prayers I pray you are a baby, so I can finish what I began and that my heart will be restored to the completeness that it was when you were here… Estella told me a few nights ago that "God told me Tommy is going to be a baby for you when you get to Heaven" so ?? in her infinite wisdom I am inclined to take her word on it.. One thing I am at peace about is where you are and the benefits of being in Heaven. You are healed & healthy, You are with God, Jesus, my other angel babies I get to meet when I get there, Pop (daddy's dad), my Grandma & Grandpa.. the list goes on.. In heaven you are not scared or bored or have another wants because God fills you. You do not miss me, you will have no heart ache.. for that I am also thankful for.  I know that this life is a blink of an eye how fast this time on earth goes, thank God for that. (literally THANK God!).. I used to be petrified of dying, literally scared silly of leaving all that I know, I am no longer fearful for the moment I am called home. It will be some time before I am able to be with you, but I am truly looking forward to it! Please know my tears are because I miss you, God will store them up and make joy of them. 

I love you Tommy and miss you every day… Love Mommy

December 18th~ 38 Days..

December 18th 2011

Today was beginning to be a hard day.. I could just feel it in the marrow of my bones. Jack is at the Vikings game with Estella. It isn't hard because I am alone, I actually enjoy it~ time to think, remember and have some quiet time. But I just really miss Tommy. I miss taking care of him. I miss holding him. I miss kissing him. AH! I miss everything. I know with every fiber of my being he is in a TRULY better place, but it is my heart that just longs to be whole once again. My daily heartache comes and goes sometimes with such intensity, at times it can feel as thought it could crush me, I usually sit~ allowing the moment to wash over me knowing that like a wave it will recede and I can breathe again.. I sit here listening to Tommy's song it sends a sense of comfort through my mind and heart. It is as though the person is singing it to me, knowing every moment that I am enduring and encouraging me through this.  It is amazing how God made us, with a soul that can miss another, a love that cannot be separated by death, a heart that can be bounding in love but broken, a sadness that someone is no longer here but happy that they are somewhere else and just when you think you cannot bear it anymore, He gives you something that you cannot find within yourself… strength.

On Friday Estella told me that "Tommy was just a beautiful angel", it brought tears to my eyes when she said it~ she talks about Tommy in a way that both warms my heart and puts my soul at ease… She is wise beyond her mere 4yrs, after we pray she started saying "will you tell Tommy we love him and give him a kiss goodnight for us"~ we asked who she was asking to do that? simply stated "Jesus and God"… ok, I asked maybe we could ask an angel to do that too?? to which she sternly snapped back at us (well ok at me)  "No, Angels give US messages from God, we can't ask angels to give messages to God!" I asked how she knew that, because that (obviously) isn't something I am well versed in.. she softly says "mom, I know because God tells me, we pray to Him when we need to give him a message" ~ clearly God is giving Jack and I peace, strength, comfort, healing, abounding love, grace- list goes on… but He is giving something to Estella, wisdom.  

Sometimes I get lost in wonder… I sometimes cannot figure out why God has placed his grace on us.. We weren't the every sunday church goers, we grew up christians, we are faithful, we have a belief in God, I've done bible studies etc… The only thing I can come up with, God allowed this "trial" in our lives to see what we would do… would we be wracked with anger, spite and fall away from Him~ or would we praise Him, rely on Him and cling to Him…. We clearly did the latter. I trust God and know 100% that His plan is far better that anything I could come up with on my own, just because I believe in him doesn't mean I am immune to trials, heartache, and well, life… Some people do NOT understand why Jack and I have clung to God. Some people do not understand why we are different now, how we can be SO sure of our faith, why we are not just destroyed by this~ and we explain it is ONLY through God we can endure such a time as this and He has SHOWN us He is here~ it sometimes is met with a weary disbelief. I try and explain I have struggled with doubts in my life… Until I was faced with losing my beloved baby boy….  

Not everyone knows exactly what happened, some think Tommy passed in his sleep, some think it was breathing and he just passed… but few know that we watched our PRECIOUS son struggle, be worked on, alone with out his mommy and daddy by his side for hours (3 at fairview southdale). That I was FILLED with Hope at Tommy holding my finger so very tight, feeling him squeeze 3 times and then watching life literally slip away, his perfect pink skin turn to white, knowing his sweet soul had left… it was the hardest thing to witness, that I watched life slip away from his body, that I saw the nurse and ambulance guy feverishly work on him, injecting him with drugs to get his tiny heart beating again, the nurse rhythmically with 2 fingers pressing on the chest that I used to pepper with kisses just to try and keep a steady heartbeat…all the while in transit to Children's.. To hear the panic in their voices, to hear my own voice screaming at Tommy NOT to go, to stay with ME, yelling to him YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HERE WITH OUT YOU! For Jack sitting in the front of the ambulance, to hear the lady who was driving radio in that our sweet son was coding, the searing sound of the sirens… to hear me screaming at Tommy, unsure of what I am witnessing. To watch them rush Tommy into the ER at Childrens and work for another 3hrs.. to wait.. and wait.. holding out for hope but eventually having to make the decision to have no further work on him.. That is the shortened version, I cannot write every detail yet~ I am strong, but not yet strong enough to do that.. I cannot write this without tears streaming down my face… How can we endure losing our son in such a horrific way?? With God we can do anything. I had God. I had and still have Him imprinting on my heart "I am here.. cling to Me for I am strong enough to hold you up.. I WILL get you through this. I WILL keep my promises to you. BELIEVE Me."… so I did… I do… For probably the first time in my life, I really listened…  and I feel Him, His grace… Sometimes I want to say to people who are maybe unbelievers or weary, what would you do? who would you cling to in a time like this? if God can help me through this, imagine what He could help you through!  

I am blessed, I had 2 WONDERFUL months with Tommy. He made it here, beating all odds.. He is my blessing, Our blessing…. I miss him, everything about him… I cannot wait to see my sweet son again, to hold him and tell him I love him… to spend eternity with him.  

Love B

* these come straight from my journal, I write in there then copy and paste.. 

December 15th~ 35 Days...

December 15th 2011

A few days ago I received ALL the pictures of Tommy.. all 493 pictures.. which is pretty good for his short time here. I hesitated opening the box and then again when rifling thru them.. I wasn't sure if it was going to be hard or easy, a teary enjoyment or complete sadness… But I was met with a soft smile and a happy heart to see him.. Oh beautiful Tommy, I miss you.. I do wish we had done more videos of him.. but I cannot go back, I can only look forward. Night has become my favorite part of the day (these days).. I lay in bed close my eyes and try to remember Tommy.. searching my mind for just a glimpse of him.. knowing he is in there somewhere. I don't really have many memories of Tommy, for as many hours I stared at his sweet face I can't remember him. I remember the way he made my heart feel, how soft his hair was when it brushed against my chin when he was curled up on my chest, and then fragments of him… his ears, his little lips, eyebrows, hairline, belly and chin….but I am unable to 'see' him all put together in my mind.. I am oddly becoming 'ok' with not remembering for now.. Looking at pictures of him no longer bring 'crazy' tears (the ones that pool in your eyes, blur your vision and like a tidal wave come crashing down your face) but rather the ones that softly and slowly trickle down your face, usually one by one. I also no longer look at pictures of Tommy with heart wrenching sadness, I now look at him with a brush of joy and a overwhelming amount of gratitude in my heart for God, I look at Tommy as a PURE blessing. It is amazing when you begin to have a heart filled with gratitude. It changes you, it opens your heart and frees you from everything that previously held you back.. I don't just feel like I lost my baby boy, but that I gained a deeper relationship with God and have been blessed by Tommy in so many ways… I miss Tommy so very much..

I still struggle when someone asks "oh is she your only one?" or "how many kids do you have?"~ each time sending me a ping of pain in my heart and deep confusion on how to answer… A beautiful mama friend suggested that I say "I have 2" and if estella is with then "i have 2, my little boy is home…" I love that response! Because I do have 2 children and Tommy is home, just not his home on earth but rather his home in heaven. I love to acknowledge Tommy as my son.. just because he is no longer here doesn't mean he has to be 'gone'. All in all I am slowly being healed, I literally can feel it… in times of great sadness I feel as though my heart is being mended one stitch at a time.  Smiling & laughing is becoming less stressed and more authentic, praise GOD! It truly is amazing what smiling and laughing can do for your heart and soul…. 

Slowly my life is beginning to take shape once again, learning to live with missing my beautiful Tommy and looking forward to what new path has been laid before me, again I walked away from that night a different person.. Silent prayers and a tear soaked pillow give way to sleep…. another day without Tommy has come and gone. I miss him, more than words can say but know he is in a better place… 

For who knows that you have been put here for such a time as this.........

Love B

December 12th~ 32 Days.. What Time CANNOT Heal... God Can.

December 12th 2011

Today I got up, sucked down about 4 cups of coffee, did my bible study and went to "work" on the house… Laundry, cleaning, picking up things… sounds meaningless but it is a big step. During all this I am praying to God, giving him thanks today for a happier heart… all the while thinking of sweet Tommy. Today there is a certain serenity at our house, to which I am immensely thankful for!  For some reason I feel lighter. Physically and emotionally a little lighter.. I still get choked up when I become deep in thought about Tommy.. but I know that aspect will be apart of my life for some time, if not forever~ I have a few pictures hanging on the wall of our hallway, each and every time I walk past them I look at how beautiful Tommy is, it even has been bringing a soft smile to my face.. The hole in my heart cannot be filled until he and I are reunited but what time cannot heal, God can. I still have not put away Tommy's pacifiers, his bottles (which he so strongly disliked), or any of his clothes or nursery stuff. I know I am not ready to put all his things away, to pack up his teeny onises, blankets, carseat, swing and toys.. I know he isn't coming back that isn't why I can't put them away.. it is just that it brings me a little reminder that he was really here. It also brings me great comfort that Jack lets me really go at my own pace~ I don't know what I would do if he wanted me to pack Tommy's stuff up right now… Today I went into Tommy's nursery, sat in the rocking chair and held one of his tiny sleep sacks to my chest where he used to rest.. I cried, how tiny he was, so sweet and so beautiful… how deeply I miss him, how blessed to have been able to love him, how the hole in my heart longs to be filled by him when I see him in heaven and how I know how much God loves me.. For some reason He has 'found favor' in me, I praise him in this storm…. 

I feel there is a change beginning to take root in me, I am no longer angry at God for taking Tommy home, for taking him away from me and leaving me with a hole in my heart… rather now I just feel blessed that I was able to be Tommy's mommy for any amount of time… I read in a book that we "borrow" our children from God and we should feel very blessed that He loves us enough to entrust them to us.. being heartbroken that Tommy isn't here is normal, but finding joy in life again has to be normal too~ there is not a moment where I am not thinking of Tommy, missing him but laughing this past Saturday was the best medicine for my soul. It is amazing where God can take you if you are willing to go.. I feel ready for what He has in store for me, I feel a sense of serenity in the midst of a storm of sadness for what I have and will continue to go thru… I know not every day is going to be easy, but God willing every day I do not have to go it alone… I have Him, wonderful family, beautiful friends and a unwavering faith that I will become stronger, braver and smarter than the day before…

Love B 

December 8th~ 28 Days.... exactly 4wks

December 8th 2011

4 weeks today… wow. 4 weeks!? feels like a lifetime. no feels longer than a lifetime… Sounds silly but I'd give anything to have him in my arms for just more one night. Knowing now that he had major heart issues, breaks my heart~ I want to say I am so sorry to him, sorry that I didn't know he wasn't well, he acted healthy and happy.. I would love to tell him just one more time how much I love him. To kiss his sweet soft cheeks~ ah that would be like heaven to me.  

Exactly 4wks ago, around 12am, I was walking out of Childrens Hospital... with out my sweet boy. Leaving something I had grown to love more than words can say. Leaving what I had brought there hoping for his life to be saved. I walked out not understanding what had just occurred and questioning everything I had ever known.... only knowing one thing for certain, I would NEVER be the same person I walked in as. 

I was right. I am not the same person. Nearly everything is different about me. I have been rocked to the foundation and am still standing... How that is possible two word GOD & JESUS. I feel like I am living every parents worst nightmare... my heart truly breaks for any parent who has suffered a loss... 

I woke up late, scramble to get Estella to school.. we literally hustle to get into the car, hop in and BAM! it hits me like a ton of bricks and when I say that I am not joking in the slightest.. I fight back tears. Tommy isn't in the back seat.  Immediately Estella asks if she can hear "Tommy's Song" (aka Rejoice by Nick Nagurski), I oblige her knowing that clearly that is her "therapy"~ seems like every time she misses him she requests Tommy's Song and it cheers her up. I fight back tears all the way to her school, drop her off and as quick as I can rush back to the car bc I can feel them coming.. tears and I know they are not the 'welling up tears' they are the FULL ON TEARS…… I drive away still longing to just peek in the rearview mirror and see Tommy just chillin in his carseat… I have to make a quick stop at Target, aaaah I have dreaded and yet successful avoided Target for 4 wks and 1 day.. Last time I was there was the day before Tommy passed. How can I walk into Target empty handed?? YA empty handed.. No little Tommy to shield from the cold, no need to pick up sweet little tiny diapers… A few memories flash through my mind of my little buddy in his carseat in the cart… he would just sit and check me out… I am one of those moms who constantly talks to her kids, telling about what I am buying, that I love them, how excited I am for them to grow up…probably looking a little coo coo because no matter how old or young, I just talk to them.. I just picture being a kid, having to run errands and how boring it would be to not have someone tell me about what their buying, what we're doing next or "when you get older…" just talking.. Ok so writing that actually sounds a little cooky. But it's what I do. I have an empty arm where my sweet boy should be, I can't even bring myself to get a cart~ no joke, I would rather carry 12 baskets and look like a freaky Target sherpa than roll around an empty cart right now. Needless to say I bought like 3 items and skedaddled out of there.  Today was also "busy" day… due to Tommy's reason for passing I need to go to the doctor (ah… again?!? enough already!) now need to get a echocardiogram ("just precautionary").. the reason being IF we want to have more kids (yes please!!) I need to get my ducks in a row.. By ducks in a row, I mean getting a referral from the dr we saw yesterday, then I have to sign releases for my obgyn and family doctor medical records, as well as get Tommy's medical records from the pediatrician, Fairview Southdale medical records, Children's medical records.. ONLY then can the MN Perinatal peeps make a appointment.. First of all it is beyond hard to call fairview and childrens, I need to talk to them to tell them the reason I need a "asap/rush" is because my son passed away and I need it for future appointments… there is always this dead silence that is near ringing in your ear~ trying to figure out if all that waiting and searching for a actual person to talk to was a waste because they may have just hung up. NO ONE knows what to say, I get that!!! heck I don't even know what to say or think a good portion of the time, but even a grunt would be appreciated!! When it is all said and done, it felt good to be finished. 

I also realized how awkward I am now. After Estella's concert we all went to grab something to eat.. sitting there next to Estella as the guy is asking what we'd like to eat/drink… he comments on how cute Estella is~ and says "so she's your only one?"… how do you field those questions, yes? (all the while thinking only one living)… or no? we had a little boy, he passed away… I wish I knew what to say, I just sit there in a weird silence as though I am frantically searching my mind for the right answer.... HELLO there is no right answer... 

I pray continuously.. I don't really ask God why anymore, not why Tommy at least, I think I know why Tommy, he was an angel, sent only for a few months to changes a few lives… I know he will reveal why eventually. I pray for strength, comfort, for God to help me fall apart and put me back together a stronger person than before, I pray for healing for our family and I pray for a future… Tommy has brought a light to our lives, he has brought a love to our hearts and Tommy has brought hope to our future. He truly made it here against so many odds, God chose Jack and Estella and I to love Tommy for the time he was here… we are so blessed. 

Love B

December 7th~ 27days

December 7th 2011

    

Not a day or hour or moment really goes by with out me thinking of Tommy. It seems like an eternity without my sweet boy.. Truly an eternity.. 

I silently praying to God, all morning. On the way to the medical examiners office to pick up the results of Tommy passing (crying while I walk into the place where my sweet sons body was, why it was there and how much I miss him). I pray silently for our sweet daughter Estella, pleading with God to make her heart perfect, to let the echo go amazing, that there are clear pictures and we get the best results. We arrive at Children's Heart Clinic, I know that we are in the best place imaginal.. Swallowing has taken on a new and yet horrible reflex, never did I know the amount of saliva of a normal adult could be such a small quantity yet feel like slamming a glass of water, nearly choking,. I walk up, check in and then have to ask "who do I give this to" the receptionist looks and says "what is it?" (not in a mean way at all) I surprise myself, I muster up the strength to say "it is my son's autopsy report"~ I cannot believe I have to HAND over my sons report!? ah. horrible….I am still silently praying to God as I fill out paperwork, question: siblings_________________.age______________. Yes, well no?  i answer yes and continue to write younger brother,  2mos 6day~ passed away 11/10/11. (my heart..thud) next questions refer to immediate family who has heart related issues, (another thud) our sweet son.. (silently praying still) next question who referred you and why________.. ah.. pediatrician and because our son passed away.. Meanwhile I watch this SWEET little girl, Skylar, she was probably 14mos. Skylar looked like a little angel (who loves to run!) fair skin, blond hair and blue eyes.. Her parents are sitting in the waiting room filling out the same paper work.. my heart breaks for them. 

We were brought to another exam room, I ran to the bathroom, praying and this time saying "jesus, please intercede on our behalfs, please let us get the best results, that Estellas heart is perfect and there is nothing wrong with her, please Jesus, please.." Finally we get called back into a room, they do a EKG on Estella (who was so amazing!) while the nurse is placing the "stickers"on Estellas tiny body (i am still praying to God).. We then go to another room and wait… what seems like an eternity. We are brought back for the echocardiogram, which Estella wanted pictures of her heart.. We get done and then more waiting…. I hear in the hallway "hey guys we're ready for ya! Hi Skylar! how you doing!! come on back guys!"~ I say a prayer for strength for Skylar's parents, for a amazing outcome for what ever ails their sweet little girl.. The Dr comes in, I feverishly try and read her face for a expression, heck any expression that could tell me if it was good or bad news we were about to receive! She introduces herself and that she studied in Boston at the BEST heart hospital. She sat with us and told us Estella is perfect. Thank YOU GOD! Then started going over all that was wrong with Tommy. She begins to unfold all these things that were wrong (heart and lungs wise) with him.. starts off saying, during her fellowship she knows of a doctor who was "trying" to figure out why and how to cure this disease Partial Anomolous Veinous Stenosis disease (i think that is the official name) and they cant. It presents itself between 6wks and 12wks, it is a progressive disease and is 100% fatal. She also said that we were very lucky because we were able to have 2mos with him, in our home, by all means "healthy" (aka no one knew he was sick, he didn't present any signs of being super ill) we were able to hold him, feed him, love on him vs being in hospital pumping him full of drugs that only would fail him in the near future, we didn't have to watch him and wait for him to pass…. She again stresses "there is nothing you could have done, nothing that doctors could have done.." I waiver between tears and thankfulness~ we were a few of the lucky, we had him for 2mos 6day not in the hospital unable to hold him and basically waiting for him to pass away. I miss him so very much.  She also told us how both sides of his heart had issues, saying how that is sooo severely uncommon and she actually has never know anyone to have issues on both sides. She went thru all the medical terminology and said these things are all sooooo rare. Our question to her is what about other children? she said our chances are 1-3%, (i silently think in my mind "so you're saying theres a chance") she in detail explains that it is such a small chance and not to worry… but then says when you do become pregnant again, I'd go to MN perinatal physicians, they are very very good.. they do the best 20wk scans and then she would follow up right after the baby is born and again before we are discharged from the hospital… She said it will help me to know that they are great at what they do and can rest assured that I would be taken care of and wouldn't need to worry…. that set my mind at ease, knowing we can have more kids, that they would take care of us… a hour later we walk out from the room.. say our goodbyes. 

Driving away from Childrens is hard. That is the last place I held Tommy, granted he had gone to heaven but the memory of holding his sweet little body seared thru my brain like a hot sword. Having the answers as to why he is gone, knowing our silly stelli is healthy, that we can have more kids and not worry~ were all amazing, but my heart still just aches for my baby, my little Tommy. As we are getting ready to pull onto the highway (under an overpass) Jack and I talk about the appointment and how we had our prayers answered, Jack notices the older gold Osomobile right in front of us~ with the bumper sticker saying "Jesus is the answer"… chills come over me, ah?? I usually pray to "God" or "lord" (bc of how I grew up, just used to doing it?!) rarely to I directly pray to JESUS, so rarely that I shocked myself in doing so in the bathroom…   I felt like Jesus was saying yep, hello I am here, I AM the answer… 

Though you have made me see troubles many and bitter

from will restore my life again

from the depths of the earth you will bring me up…

Love B

December 5th~ 25 days

December 5th 2011

So.. I officially dislike Monday's. To me it marks the count down to Thursday's~ and that means yet another week with out Tommy has passed. I am beyond surprised and scared, I looked counted and re-counted the number of days he has been absent from my arms.. 25 days. I was literally SHOCKED. It seems like he has been gone for months.. I struggled for a few moments, then realized~ when you have kids, especially a baby,  and say you leave to go have dinner with friends (sans kids) it can feel like you have been away from them for longer than you actually have (or at least for me it is like that). I honestly truly heartaching feel like it has been a lifetime since I have held him, kissed him and … well everything. 

Answered Prayer… Ask and You shall receive.. Last night I kept saying to God, just ONE word. Why? no specific attachment to it, no follow up details..just Why. Loong story, well short, Jack freaked out a little bc he has some mold (sounds gross but it is bc they tiled incorrectly by the shower in one little area) in his bathroom.. he began thinking, maybe the mold had something to do with Tommy's passing, I assured him No, they would have found spores in his lungs etc… So to ease Jacks mind we called the medical examiner this morning, spoke with him for a little while and then was transferred to a dr who solely checked out our sweet Tommy's heart. What had initially been deemed "healthy" was in fact NOT. We have not received the official "report" but what was told to us by this doctor was… it was "the perfect storm" of things.. he had a number (3?) of things wrong with it, with his aortas or major arteries, closed valve, poor function when the oxygenated blood traveled back to the heart… I am not a medical professional, but I guess from what they were saying the gist of it is, it is amazing that he lived 10mos inside my body, it is amazing that he survived birth with his 2 knots in his cord, it is amazing that he was able to bless us with 2mos and 6days… During this long phone call with the cardiologist I went over all the things I felt or noticed with Tommy, certain things that didn't sit easy with me… the doctor confirmed that of the 4 things I had "noticed" were in fact related to one or more of his heart issues.. she was quick to confirm that there was no way for me to know or to put the "puzzle" pieces together, that obviously the pediatricians didn't even feel like there was any sort of issue. The only "possible" way to detect some of these issues are through dye contrast and a mri or cat scan.. Now is the hard part, well who am I kidding this is all hard.. they suggested that Estella JUST for precaution have an echo-cardiogram done.. 

My life seems to troll on, every day awaking to the same nightmare.. to which I have deemed 'My Truth'… My heart aches, emotions ebb and flow, in the quietness of my thoughts alternating praying and trying to recall all of my memories of Tommy.. only to be snapped quickly out by Estella's little voice saying "Hey mom!" yah?? "I love you!!!!"~ 

Ask and you shall receive 

Seek and you shall find

Knock and the door will be opened…

Love B

December 4th~ 24 Days

December 4th

I am actually sitting in the sunroom.. I truly do NOT like it anymore. We spent hours debating which exact rocking chair/glider to get to put in here, we didn't want just any chair. We looked for one that would be comfortable for long nights with our new baby, for one that looked cool not your typical glider… for one that didn't scream ROCKER or GLIDER!! We finally had found it, a big soft deep brown suck you in glider that also is a recliner.. after waiting for nearly 6wks we got the call that it was in!! I was closing in on my due date and was beyond excited.. we began creating the sunroom into a calm, relaxing place to be. The reasoning behind putting the chair in the sunroom was because I knew I was probably going to do lots of feedings in the chair and wanted to still be able to be available to Estella… not stuck in the nursery. Awaiting Tommy's arrival I had some severely bizarre sleep habits, went (fell asleep) to bed around 11pm and would awaken at (no joke) around 4:30am. I could never fall back asleep.. ever. So I'd go into the living room and read or watch a show on my ipad.. when we got the rocker (about 2wks before he was born) I would go in the sunroom, snuggle up in the rocker (reading or watching a show). It was pretty much the only time of day where I was able to focus solely on what this little baby was doing inside me. Because I am a insane planner I was a little peeved that we didn't know the gender of this sweet little person inside me. But in the silence of those mornings (well every morning from nearly 30wks on) I would try an imagine what it was going to look like, how it was going to be (calm baby or crazy baby) and if it was a boy or girl. I had made up my mind mid-way thru my pregnancy that I indeed wanted a boy. In fact I was so looking forward to the possibility of it being a boy that the thought of it being a girl disappointed me!! (very shocking bc at first I ONLY wanted another little lady!!).. So as I was saying I was up wayyy early every morning, again it was just this little baby and my time, for me to just dream about holding he or she in my arms, nursing, calming it (if it was like estella no amount of rocking, walking or soothing ever helped), and just being so thankful that I was blessed with another. It was at these times I would feel Tommy so elegantly move, almost as if he never wanted to jab or kick me. I used to joke with him while he was in my belly that he obviously was so comfortable in there he didn't want to come out~ looking back perhaps God was just giving Tommy and I stolen moments to just enjoy each other.. uninterrupted and cherished moments. 

I have a hard time sitting in the chair let alone passing thru the sunroom. So many moments in that chair.. me pregnant with Tommy and then after Tommy was born he and I spent a lot of time in there.. especially on the day he passed. All those thoughts send little pings of pain into my heart. At sometimes Tommy seems as though he wasn't even here, I have pictures of him up, on my phone, in my bible…but at the same time (if that can even make sense) my heart misses him so much that I truly don't know if I even can conceptualize how deep the soul wrenching pain is… There are moments during the day where I "roam" around the house, trying to figure out 'what to do', it almost is as if my body is going thru the motions and trying to reconcile what it was used to doing for 2mos non-stop and what is supposed to do now. 

I heard a lady, a mom, she was saying how annoyed she was with her daughter, complaining and not speaking very nicely about her daughter… you could just tell she was "brewing" inside. So much of me wanted to walk over to her and say~ I apologize for doing this, but I recently lost my son. Tommy was 2mos 6days old… I will never get to hold him, feel the weight of him in my arms, feel the softness of his hair, the smell of his skin, adore his face, feed him, change him, rocking him and I will never be able to tell him I LOVE HIM. You do not know when your number will be called. Every moment is a gift, good or bad, it is up to you to either squander it or cherish it. I kept my mouth shut, shot her a smile.. a soft loving smile.. 

EVERY night I fall asleep praying, remembering Tommy and quietly crying.. Each morning I wake up (like an 'emotional' groundhogs day~ ie. groundhogs day with bill murry) steeped immediately in emotional pain, I pray before my feet hit the ground~ I ask God to give me just enough to make it thru today, I ask for forgiveness because as soon as I get out of bed I know at some point during the day I am going curse the bee-geezers out of him, I will be so upset at my circumstance that I will once again teeter on asking WHY me? and I know I will call on him many times and plead for him to take this pain… I feel soft whispers on my heart saying "trust me, i am here, be patient with me for the plans i have for you are greater than the pain you feel right now…"

Love 

November 30th 2011~ 20 Days

November 30th 2011

Ok.. I have completely hesitated to write about this. So much so Jack and I also kinda have kept the "Balloon" to ourselves.. The day after Tommy's memorial service, Estella wanted to bring some of the blue balloons in from outside (thank you sweet Kathy) … We brought 4inside, Estella let 3 of the 4 loose from our backyard and "sent them to Tommy in Heaven".. the one remaining ON ITS OWN (the ribbon is too short for estella to reach and neither Jack nor I touched it) migrated down our small hall way to the end whereTommy's Elephant picture hangs and it has remained there for 9 days. UNTIL today. I was sitting on our bed reading my bible (Isaiah) when Jack came in to ask something, then he left… a minute or two later the Balloon literally bobbing thru the door way into our bedroom. I yelled to Jack "did you do that!!?" he yelled back from the kitchen "do what?" I said you have to get in here! The Balloon was in the corner of our room (nearest to the door) it bobbled around eventually over to our bed (4ft away from me), then bobbled out about 20mins later…. About ?15 to 20mins later I exited our bedroom (to go potty) as I walked down the hall I noticed the Balloon was not there, I peeked into the nursery (across from our bedroom) I yell to Jack AGAIN to come and see… We stand there still and watch as the Balloon is hovering over "the bag" (yes the bag from Children's that has Tommys foot/hand molds and locks of hair) the Balloons ribbon is TOUCHING the bag, I stand VERY still in the doorway~ IT STARTS TO ELEVATE AND APPROACH ME!!! I quick go to grab my phone (in my bedroom) to take pics, I return the balloon has elevated again now touching the ceiling hovering over the rocking chair~ I begin to film… it quickly moves from hovering over the rocking chair over to his crib, then slowly descends INTO HIS CRIB…. I am not kidding. Trust me when I say, there is NO WAY that this could have happened by chance, there is NO WAY that the airflow has been perfect for it to stay in one spot for over a week, then somehow get sucked into our bedroom and leave, then get sucked into Tommy's nursery, descend on "the bag", then come towards me, then over to rocking chair and finally landing IN his crib. If you don't believe me, or have doubts, I will post some pictures and I have already posted it on youtube. CHECK IT OUT.  Tommy's Balloon (youtube) http://youtu.be/ovqPoCkChOY

I believe God is always with us, I believe that if we take the time, open our hearts our eyes we can see amazing things… 

Love B

November 28th 2011~ 18 days

November 28th 2011

Been a hard few days.. We drove down to get our christmas tree, past Hastings~ a good 45min drive. We had planned to take pictures of our family, but not this year. What was supposed to be a fun outing was now just another small reminder of Tommy's absence. I did good until we went to pay for our freshly cut trees~ it came over me like a vicious wave, a wave that consumes you, a wave of sorrow. I try and fight back the tears as to not ruin this for Estella, but I fail. Miserably fail, especially when Jack approaches the car with a cross shaped wreath, no words spoken, just holding it up and showing it to me, I nod…. I know what it is for.  No parent should have to pick out a wreath for their childs grave. The tears are free flowing and I am again reminded (as if I need a reminder) that Tommy is not here and his absence is becoming more and more evident, our hopes and plans and dreams for our little boy are now gone. Our love for him and memories are all that remain. Our memories are here but are a painful reminder that he is not. I miss him more than words can say, my heart is broken and it literally hurts.

There are other heart wrenching moments that I have on a daily basis.. like when Estella says "mom, i love my big sister t~shirt! Can I still be Tommys big sister?" ... I can hardly get the words out but say "You will always be Tommys big sister!"~ and in the car she usually says "mom I miss Tommy".. her seat was right next to his, she always held his hand.... Jack and I spent the better part of a year talking to Estella about what a great BIG sister she will be, how much fun a baby will be, how she is going to get to change diapers, help with the baby, what life will be like when he or she comes... my heart breaks for her.

Sometimes there is this brief silence between Jack and I, sitting in the car, on the couch or just doing something around the house.. it is like smog, the air is thick and heavy, heavy with memories of Tommy, sadness and grief… it is almost as though neither one of us can muster up any words~ this silence is not done in a way that is hurtful, but this silence is one of sheer pain, as though neither one of us can speak we are paralyzed by the presence of sorrow. I can't quiet describe it but say it is because there are no words, no words to take away the pain we both feel and that we both deeply miss our little boy. 

I still feel Gods presence, he is here.. I am still angry at him but in my silent prayers I ask for forgiveness for my anger. I constantly remind myself God doesn't take anything away from us to hurt us. I cannot see the big picture but I have to be ok with that for now… I still constantly pray. I still constantly miss Tommy… Grief is a fickle friend, it makes an appearance when ever and where ever it feels like… it sneaks up on you and grabs ahold so tightly that the only thing to do is breathe thru the pain, the memories and pray that God holds you tight. I feel strong but wounded. very very very wounded. Grief is also very physical, can't eat very much (maybe bc I am so stuffed with sorrow there is no room for food), sleep is hit or miss, I feel weak, and I feel as though I actually look different~ obviously look tired and weary, there is just a change in how my face even looks… maybe I am the only one that notices. As of 5 or 6 days ago the last of 2 physical reminders of Tommy have gone, my milk has finally dried up… bitter sweet for me, it was a reminder of him in both a good and bad way.. Now only the 4 inch scar that sweeps neatly across my abdomen is all that remains. It too will shrink and fade, but it will never be gone and oddly for that I am happy. It is like my "tattoo" of him, the presence of him when he was in my belly and how he entered the world. My little Tommy I miss you… and cannot wait to hold you again my sweet boy.

I am also haven't taken a xanax since the night before Tommy's memorial~ the reason behind that is because I want NOTHING to cloud my thoughts and feelings, I want to go thru this and (sounds weird to say) FEEL every emotion. I know I have an abundance of pain but I also know I need to feel it in order to get through this…. even though it is hard and at sometime unbearable it is better to feel it now than put it off. Not taking it is also why I do not sleep all that well, waking up no longer by the physical reminder of "I need to feed him" but now awaking because my heart misses him.. I am dreaming more~ usually consisting of me "losing" something and just constantly searching… each time waking with the same feeling of disappointment that I have failed and that whatever I was looking for I could not find. It takes me a good 20+mins to get back to sleep, falling asleep all the while praying for God to take the pain away for at least just a little while.

It near kills me to think that it has been 18days. Feels like forever and yet just yesterday.. I love you Tommy, I miss you Tommy….

Love B

November 25th~ Day 15

November 25th 2011

God is Good. Against all odds I should be curled up in my bed, hugging his blanket (which I still wear daily) and crippled by what I feel inside. God has given me such crazy peace, I just feel a sense of him holding me up (bc I am literally dead weight) and allowing me to really find small nuggets of joy. Between the weird quiet crying I seem to have an affinity towards and the sweet moments I have with Estella~ esp her little smiles I get at moments of internal sadness.. there is a grace that has been given to me by Him. SO THANKFUL for that..

Yesterday I had a number of breakdowns. Just sitting watching the Parade and waves of sadness of "what could have beens" and "what ifs".. It was also the first time I sat on the couch and realized I will never see him crawl, sitting there was thinking about what he would have looked like, me or jack or estella… Thump (heart palpitation) another reminder that my grief is physical. Just can't stop thinking of Tommy and the fact that yesterday was when we were going to introduce him to my extended family.. I realized this is just one of many days that I will really miss him. 

I haven't dreamed since Tommy's passing… I finally had one~ it was of my cleaning (more picking up the house than cleaning) with Tommy in my arms or rather in my arms but holding him upright on my chest, I can still feel the weight of his little body, I bend over to grab something off the floor and I am just pressing him a little tighter (as to not let him drop), the feel of him in my arms, softness of his hair under my chin.. I had done that so many times it was amazing to have that dream, it was short but I'll take any wonderful memory or dream of my sweet boy.  

During one of my many breakdowns yesterday, one was in the shower~ I couldn't even figure out for a while if I was crying or if it was water from the shower sliding down my face… I keep telling myself, he is gone and to stop saying I want him here or I want him back~ neither one of those are going to happen and I should start to try and think POSITIVE (even though I am super mad at my circumstance).. so anytime I have those HORRIFIC thoughts about how he passed and the very vivid memories of that night to immediately scour my memory for those amazing memories of Tommy… or even (which usually is better) I focus on remembering how he made my heart feel… it is amazing I close my eyes and remember the JOY (crazy love joy!) he brought me.. that feeling of love can truly warm my spirit. 

It is hard to wake up, get out of bed and carry on with my day.. but I do it. I do all of it by the strength of God, it is the only explanation I have for this. I putter thru my day missing Tommy and being INCREDIBLY grateful for the time I was able to have with him and everything else in my life. I have found a new appreciation and understanding of life, we are only given a set number of days and we don't know when we will be called.. it is not up to us when we leave we cannot beg barter or plead our way out of it, we cannot think that just by doing good deeds to others will give us more time… I want to look at every day, no matter how good or bad as a blessing and it should be treated as a great gift from God that I get another one.  

Love B

November 23rd 2011~ Day 13

November 23rd 2011

Today has been hard. Very hard. My heart is aching, literally aching. I miss Tommy so very much, my memories are so painful~ the thought of knowing that he is not coming back, that I will not see him again and I will miss him for all the days of my life here on earth is so overwhelming and saddening. Night time seems to be my most difficult, probably because that is when time slowed down for us (Tommy and I) we were able to just relax, hang, feed, enjoy and love on him. I just do not know how to go on from here. I can hardly look back at that night, the night my life was forever changed. I have reality staring at me and I hate this new reality. This reality is painful, it is going to drain me, it is going to take everything I have not to be ruined.. I miss Tommy. I have endured painful situations in my life, always feeling like I can "rebound" but this is much different, this is not a test this is a trial of epic proportion. 

I just sit here typing and praying to God that he will help me. Continuously praying. I just want to have him take my heart ache, to shield me from all of this. I truly don't want to have to hurt like this. It is scary and not to sound like a broken record but I miss Tommy and it has only been 13days and my heart hurts more and more each and every day. I don't know how to navigate thru missing my baby boy for a lifetime. I know I have to pray, take it minute by minute…. I sit here choking back tears… doing 2 of the only things that make me feel better, writing and praying. I am sometimes unable to look at pictures of him, it sends a earth shattering feeling throughout my whole body. I silently cry chest heaving, seeing his sweet face just breaks me that I can no long touch his sweet cheeks, pepper him with kisses, press my forehead against his staring at him eye to eye nose to nose smelling his sweet breath. God, if you can hear me, I MISS TOMMY, please help heal my heart!!!! 

I am summoning all that is left in me to ensure Estella feels love, the same love she felt from me before Tommy went back to heaven. I don't want her to be scarred by this, she told me that "she and tommy are my angels and I shouldn't be sad because Tommy is making God smile in heaven~" She needs me healthy happy and whole… she deserves a mommy to find joy in her smile, a mommy that doesn't break down and cries all the time, she deserves the best I can be… I pray for the day I don't count days by the number of Tommy not being here, the days where I can look at a picture of him with JOY instead of complete sorrow, the days where I can genuinely smile at the thought of having been blessed with a wonderful little boy who is now my angel... 

Love B

November 22nd 2011~ 12 DAYS

November 22nd 2011

Last night and today have been rough. Slowly my mind is emerging from the fog and being hit with the stark reality that Tommy is gone… I feel like I keep saying that but I don't think it is going to really be real to me. I read somewhere that losing a child is like losing a part of yourself~ I truly believe that.. because my body my soul (not yet my mind) feels a big chunk missing. It is hard to explain, but I am not whole. Tommy was such a blessing and I loved him so much that it has and will leave a gaping hole in my heart. I was crying last night, talking to Jack about how much I TRULY love Tommy, that is was so crazy because I didn't feel like that with Estella (maybe bc she was a tougher baby?) and I just am having a hard time working thru loving someone so much and then he was gone… 

I also feel like my "logic" side of my brain is trying to reconcile the fact that I won't see Tommy again until I get to heaven and my "heart/soul" side is screaming NO I want him now and I can wait. Also I am having difficulty even thinking about that night bc it was so traumatic for me. I just can't handle it. The sheer thought of that night, makes me sick to my stomach. Literally sick. I want him back sooooo bad it hurts physically. Makes me feel hot, sick to my stomach, I get abdominal cramps and weak. 

Love B

November 21st 2011~ DAY 11

November 21st 2011

Tommy, my life was changed by you. In so many ways, for one I never knew love like that before~ absolute unconditional feverish love. I kid you not, you made my heart grow so big at some times I thought it was going to burst with joy. Secondly, you made me calm, relaxed and confident as a mom.. Thirdly, you got dad (jack) to help nearly every night for every diaper change for nearly 4wks! Those are just a few I thought of right away…  As for the reason as to why you went to Heaven so soon, I truly believe one was to save me. To bind me to Jack, to make me take Gods hand in mine and know I cannot afford to let go, to soften my heart and ultimately save my soul. 

I looked inside "the bag", yes… the bag that Childrens prepared for us.. A lock of Tommy's sweet soft hair… Tommy's hand and footprints both on paper as well as in a few molds. HARD, heart wrenching and it was another dose of reality that I didn't want to take. I stood there in the nursery, peering between my tears at my little Tommy's foot and hand prints that are so small, it truly breaks my heart. The lock of his hair, the hair I smelled, caressed, the hair attached to his sweet head, that sweet head that rested continuously on my shoulder, on my chest, in my arms or at my breast.. I miss him more than words can say, more than I can begin to understand and more than my heart can bear. 

I waiver between silently praying, or at times screaming at God… to trying to provide a smile and some happiness for Estella. At times I fade away into the literal abyss of my mind desperately scouring my memory for stolen moments of Tommy… I don't want to forget him but I feel like I had such little time with him to stockpile memories. I do remember rather vividly the joy he brought my soul~ someone said "you loved him enough for a lifetime" I couldn't have said it better myself. For the love I had for him went beyond his mere months here on earth, I am truly thankful for that…  

Love B

November 20th 2011~ DAY 10

November 20th 2011

Today has been a flurry of memories, the bad ones. They slowly seep into my mind and I try like heck to get them out.  I pray that they leave, silently shouting at God to take them for just a bit longer because I am not sure if I am strong enough to actually process… truly process the fact I saw my son die before my very eyes, unable to do anything but shout aloud "Tommy don't leave me, I NEED you, you stay here for me stay, Tommy don't' you dare leave me, TOMMY I NEED YOU!!!"~ I don't want to remember that night. I feel like my reality is slowing fusing together in my mind and I am going to soon realize the gravity of it. That my beautiful boy is gone…. never to be held again, kissed again, touched again… Like a thunderous storm it is coming, I can feel it brewing from the pit of my being… I don't think it will be long before reality hits and a new flood begins. I feel moments of strength, which only God can provide. 

Looking back, only briefly bc that is about all I can handle, I feel like that night God slowly took Tommy from me. Little by little trying to allow me pauses in the horrific night to grasp that he was going to take my sweet son. To get enough moments between each phase of that night, first at home, then in the ambulance, then at Fairview, then in the ambulance and the final at Childrens.  I feel like he was taking these pauses for me to understand that he was going to take Tommy, to finally get everyone around us for when he finally went to Heaven. I again silently sit here shouting at God, because I AM MAD, HURT, FRUSTRATED at him.  As mad as I am at him, I need him. God is the only one who can take away the pain, to make this right and for good. A mother should not have to say goodbye to her son, to lay him to rest, to be left with the unimaginable pain that goes along with losing a child. I don't want this to be my reality. 

We went to church this morning.. it was hard, not in the sense of going back to where we had his memorial service but rather because I wanted to shout into the congregation "I LOST MY SON. HE DIED and I AM DYING INSIDE!!!! and then GOD GIVE ME MY SON"~ I know it sounds insane, I have those moments where I just cant take it anymore…I want to hear someone say his name "tommy"… I just want to curl up and cry out every tear I have, just to get it out of me. I miss him so much, words cannot even begin to describe how much. 

In the ambulance on the way to Childrens, he held my finger soo tight, squeezed 3 times and then our nightmare went on hyperdrive………………………………. I feel like he said goodbye to me at that moment. It was the first time I had been able to touch him, really touch him for longer than a few seconds in over 2hrs, he held my finger so tight I literally thought OH MY GOSH HE'S GONNA MAKE IT!! WHAT STRENGTH!! WHAT A GREAT SIGN!!! little did I know, he was going to make it… make it to heaven, what strength… what strength he held on long enough to say goodbye, what a great sign… great sign of a love between mother and son, son and Jesus, Jesus and God. As I am writing this tears flow (like they seem to when purging out my thoughts to text) I keep thinking God, why? Why leave this pit, this open wound in my heart?? doesn't God know me by now, I internalize EVERYTHING…and not necessarily the "healthy" internalizing, more the somewhat "destructive" internalizing. Why deliver the hardest thing to get through the worst grief to me?? doesn't he know I have enough issues?? why in the world would he think I could handle this!!? I wait, just sit and wait for God to reveal himself to me, what he wants me to do with myself.. for answers he will hopefully provide me.. for hope.. for joy.. for healing.. for my NEW future. 

Love B

November 19th 2011~ 9 DAYS.

Noveber 19th 2011

It's been a long 9 days. Seems weird it has only been 9 days without my baby boy. My Tommy. I have not comprehended what has occurred. I know that I no longer have to get up at night to feed a baby. I know that I miss something but not sure what it is exactly.. I know that my heart is broken. I feel as though he was never here yet there is a HUGE void in my soul that seems to be hurting beyond my capacity to understand (literally)~ I know that I am numb and at some point that will give way to unbearable pain. I am scared and know that the depths of this will rock me to my core, I know that I am beyond talented with putting pain in a box and storing it inside for no one to look at, know about, not even myself.  I feel like I have been hit by a tidal wave, it has washed across my being, I am underwater holding my breath… i know that eventually I have to take a breath and I know it will draw in the water, that it will consume me I just have to pray I get rescued. Also knowing that when I do surface, life, my life will never be the same…..

What little memories I do have of Tommy are shrouded in the events of that night, maybe that is why I cannot "remember" him. My brain and God are protecting me bc I am not ready to process what has occurred. I truly cannot bear thinking about that evening. To have such a joy ripped from my arms never to him again, at least here on earth. I am SCARED.

I feel like I am stuck in a castle, looking down from a tower… I see a HUGE stone wall surrounding my castle….. and I know he is coming.. The air changes into a physical sense of presence. I can feel the thunderous stomp of a dark horse on which the devil is riding, he paces around the wall looking, waiting and staring at me… anticipating just the right time to strike. He is patient, diligent and craves what is left of my broken soul. HE CANNOT HAVE IT. 

I am mad at God, furious with him. WHY. Why Tommy. Why take him?? He was perfect, I love him.. we love him. Why take him from a family who loves him? A sister that adores him? Jack and I who waited for him.. I WANT HIM BACK. I want to hold him, kiss him, love on him, feed him, change him, snuggle with him…. I want to finish my JOB, I want to be a loving mother to him.  Why have you taken him from me… Dear God, why, I need a answer, I need to know why you have done this to me, to jack to estella!? I know God has a plan, I know it is for good… but I want Tommy back. 

I have tasted one moment of true grief, where reality set in and took a hold of me. It was on Wednesday night (nov. 16th).. it scared me, the nausea and weakness was overwhelming~ so much so I literally thought I'd have to go get medical attention.. it was beyond scary and I do NOT want to experience that again… but know I will. 

How do I go on…. with life. Everyone at Tommy's memorial service (and after) keeps saying " your so strong"  part of me feels it is God who is holding me up, the other part is denial. I do know one thing I want Tommy's life to have profound meaning. I want everyone to know about him, know that he is with Jesus and know that although we are breaking (and will be broken) it is through God we are put together again.. kinda like a broken bone, it gets x-rayed, then reset, cast and eventually over time becomes stronger because it was broken. I want God to do that to me, to my heart, soul, spirit, body… I want him to help me fall apart and then put me together strong than before. I also have this weird thought of, in life you make these choices that take you one way or another… and maybe God "allows" things to happen, a profound event,  to "reset" you, to break you fully so that he can put you together again stronger than before….. 

I feel better writing this, getting some of the thoughts out of my mind…. 

Love B