November 28th 2011~ 18 days

November 28th 2011

Been a hard few days.. We drove down to get our christmas tree, past Hastings~ a good 45min drive. We had planned to take pictures of our family, but not this year. What was supposed to be a fun outing was now just another small reminder of Tommy's absence. I did good until we went to pay for our freshly cut trees~ it came over me like a vicious wave, a wave that consumes you, a wave of sorrow. I try and fight back the tears as to not ruin this for Estella, but I fail. Miserably fail, especially when Jack approaches the car with a cross shaped wreath, no words spoken, just holding it up and showing it to me, I nod…. I know what it is for.  No parent should have to pick out a wreath for their childs grave. The tears are free flowing and I am again reminded (as if I need a reminder) that Tommy is not here and his absence is becoming more and more evident, our hopes and plans and dreams for our little boy are now gone. Our love for him and memories are all that remain. Our memories are here but are a painful reminder that he is not. I miss him more than words can say, my heart is broken and it literally hurts.

There are other heart wrenching moments that I have on a daily basis.. like when Estella says "mom, i love my big sister t~shirt! Can I still be Tommys big sister?" ... I can hardly get the words out but say "You will always be Tommys big sister!"~ and in the car she usually says "mom I miss Tommy".. her seat was right next to his, she always held his hand.... Jack and I spent the better part of a year talking to Estella about what a great BIG sister she will be, how much fun a baby will be, how she is going to get to change diapers, help with the baby, what life will be like when he or she comes... my heart breaks for her.

Sometimes there is this brief silence between Jack and I, sitting in the car, on the couch or just doing something around the house.. it is like smog, the air is thick and heavy, heavy with memories of Tommy, sadness and grief… it is almost as though neither one of us can muster up any words~ this silence is not done in a way that is hurtful, but this silence is one of sheer pain, as though neither one of us can speak we are paralyzed by the presence of sorrow. I can't quiet describe it but say it is because there are no words, no words to take away the pain we both feel and that we both deeply miss our little boy. 

I still feel Gods presence, he is here.. I am still angry at him but in my silent prayers I ask for forgiveness for my anger. I constantly remind myself God doesn't take anything away from us to hurt us. I cannot see the big picture but I have to be ok with that for now… I still constantly pray. I still constantly miss Tommy… Grief is a fickle friend, it makes an appearance when ever and where ever it feels like… it sneaks up on you and grabs ahold so tightly that the only thing to do is breathe thru the pain, the memories and pray that God holds you tight. I feel strong but wounded. very very very wounded. Grief is also very physical, can't eat very much (maybe bc I am so stuffed with sorrow there is no room for food), sleep is hit or miss, I feel weak, and I feel as though I actually look different~ obviously look tired and weary, there is just a change in how my face even looks… maybe I am the only one that notices. As of 5 or 6 days ago the last of 2 physical reminders of Tommy have gone, my milk has finally dried up… bitter sweet for me, it was a reminder of him in both a good and bad way.. Now only the 4 inch scar that sweeps neatly across my abdomen is all that remains. It too will shrink and fade, but it will never be gone and oddly for that I am happy. It is like my "tattoo" of him, the presence of him when he was in my belly and how he entered the world. My little Tommy I miss you… and cannot wait to hold you again my sweet boy.

I am also haven't taken a xanax since the night before Tommy's memorial~ the reason behind that is because I want NOTHING to cloud my thoughts and feelings, I want to go thru this and (sounds weird to say) FEEL every emotion. I know I have an abundance of pain but I also know I need to feel it in order to get through this…. even though it is hard and at sometime unbearable it is better to feel it now than put it off. Not taking it is also why I do not sleep all that well, waking up no longer by the physical reminder of "I need to feed him" but now awaking because my heart misses him.. I am dreaming more~ usually consisting of me "losing" something and just constantly searching… each time waking with the same feeling of disappointment that I have failed and that whatever I was looking for I could not find. It takes me a good 20+mins to get back to sleep, falling asleep all the while praying for God to take the pain away for at least just a little while.

It near kills me to think that it has been 18days. Feels like forever and yet just yesterday.. I love you Tommy, I miss you Tommy….

Love B