November 25th 2011
God is Good. Against all odds I should be curled up in my bed, hugging his blanket (which I still wear daily) and crippled by what I feel inside. God has given me such crazy peace, I just feel a sense of him holding me up (bc I am literally dead weight) and allowing me to really find small nuggets of joy. Between the weird quiet crying I seem to have an affinity towards and the sweet moments I have with Estella~ esp her little smiles I get at moments of internal sadness.. there is a grace that has been given to me by Him. SO THANKFUL for that..
Yesterday I had a number of breakdowns. Just sitting watching the Parade and waves of sadness of "what could have beens" and "what ifs".. It was also the first time I sat on the couch and realized I will never see him crawl, sitting there was thinking about what he would have looked like, me or jack or estella… Thump (heart palpitation) another reminder that my grief is physical. Just can't stop thinking of Tommy and the fact that yesterday was when we were going to introduce him to my extended family.. I realized this is just one of many days that I will really miss him.
I haven't dreamed since Tommy's passing… I finally had one~ it was of my cleaning (more picking up the house than cleaning) with Tommy in my arms or rather in my arms but holding him upright on my chest, I can still feel the weight of his little body, I bend over to grab something off the floor and I am just pressing him a little tighter (as to not let him drop), the feel of him in my arms, softness of his hair under my chin.. I had done that so many times it was amazing to have that dream, it was short but I'll take any wonderful memory or dream of my sweet boy.
During one of my many breakdowns yesterday, one was in the shower~ I couldn't even figure out for a while if I was crying or if it was water from the shower sliding down my face… I keep telling myself, he is gone and to stop saying I want him here or I want him back~ neither one of those are going to happen and I should start to try and think POSITIVE (even though I am super mad at my circumstance).. so anytime I have those HORRIFIC thoughts about how he passed and the very vivid memories of that night to immediately scour my memory for those amazing memories of Tommy… or even (which usually is better) I focus on remembering how he made my heart feel… it is amazing I close my eyes and remember the JOY (crazy love joy!) he brought me.. that feeling of love can truly warm my spirit.
It is hard to wake up, get out of bed and carry on with my day.. but I do it. I do all of it by the strength of God, it is the only explanation I have for this. I putter thru my day missing Tommy and being INCREDIBLY grateful for the time I was able to have with him and everything else in my life. I have found a new appreciation and understanding of life, we are only given a set number of days and we don't know when we will be called.. it is not up to us when we leave we cannot beg barter or plead our way out of it, we cannot think that just by doing good deeds to others will give us more time… I want to look at every day, no matter how good or bad as a blessing and it should be treated as a great gift from God that I get another one.
Love B
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