December 30th~ 50 Days...

December 30th 2011

Somber day.. thinking a lot about Tommy.. We went to see Tin Tin, I kept thinking that Tommy would have LOVED that movie~ sweet face Tin Tin is kind smart adventurous… I imagined in a year or so renting the movie, all snuggled up in our bedroom popcorn in hand and Tommy sweet face enthralled with Tin Tin and his adventurous spirit. I know its kinda sad to sit and think about the "would be's"… but sometimes I can't help but go there. I think it is only natural.. After the movie we ran some errands, my LOVE of buying toys especially at Creative Kidstuff, walking in nearly took my breath away. Linden Hills CKS (creative kidstuff) nearly knocked me straight on my fanny. Last time I was in there I ogled at the baby stuff, Tommy only being around 4wks old.. I made a mental note of what I wanted to buy for my little Tommy.. Walking past all those baby accessories, toys, gadgets… thump thump thump (heart is beating nearly out of my chest) a wave (ha! tidal wave) of sadness threatens to overtake me…. I look at the 3+mos toys thinking I WISH I could buy those for Tommy… almost in tears walking aimlessly throughout the store~ why… oh why Tommy… I want to buy him little things, I want to see him play, I want I want I want… Him. There it is. I want Tommy, I know where he is, I know it is the BEST place… I know.. but I still want… Tommy. 

Today Jack and I both agitated and sad… holding it in until it burst.. I go inward, Jack goes outward.. we bicker about soup.. ya soup! ha! It came and went in a blink of an eye.. Why was it so hard today… actually it wasn't hard, more sad. really sad. 

I know I was blessed, very very blessed to have 2mos with Tommy.. sometimes it is easier other times it is hard… Losing Tommy has taught me that nothing is for certain and that in a blink of an eye your entire world can change, we always assume that everything will go as "planned" (as we planned)… Not the case. Not for us. I read in a book something that completely is Me, I could have written it! 

Silent Cries…

There are times in my life when my heart cries out soooo loud for you that I cringe,

Wondering what others might think

Then I realize that ONLY I can hear the screams. 

They are apart of me,

Like the blood rushing thru my veins

And the breath leaving my lungs…

I am not the same person I was before Tommy passed. Sometimes I am dull… very dull, I am even bored by myself now… sometimes when talking to people I am just plain awkward. I can't help it I am getting used to the "new" me. I have to try and figure out this person I am now…. just a little fyi it isn't easy for me. I am just forewarning that it will probably take some time.. It took a while to become the "old" me, it is going to take a while for me to be comfortable with the "new" me…The night I saw my sweet son, my Tommy die, a pain tore through my heart and spirit, it ripped out a chunk of my heart, attacking my spirit with such a rage it scares me to even think about it and after it left my old self for dead.. A amazing friend, who I swear God tries to speak thru her to me… she described how she looks at what has happened as… I could NOT explain it better myself… That I was on this path, well worn, my past lies there, old habits, memories and looking ahead I knew what MY plans are, our family milestones are set as well as expectations (aka assumptions).. I got thrown from that path onto a new one where I am blind, all I can do is trust God, hold his hand tight bc I have NO IDEA where I am headed… All the while glancing at my old path, desiring to be on it, it was so comfortable, I knew where I was headed.. it is a path where Tommy's "future" was, where ALL of my hopes and dreams are!! I want to be there.. I cannot bear to look at it for long bc it just plain kills me. This new path is hard, but you add the fact I am a different person makes is just annoyingly difficult!  I feel like there is this mystique when it comes to grief… somewhere along the lines of you should be the same person, have the same hopes and dreams, and that you'll eventually "get over it"~ sad to say NOT the case. You completely change as a person, you do NOT have the same hopes and dreams, and you never get over it (if that were a possibility I would do it in a heart beat)….  I also believe you can use grief to positively affect your life or as others do steep in the grief, allowing it to permeate every aspect of their lives… (ahh..no thank you).  I want to grow, be strengthened, to be bettered, to help others, to do something great~ I want to honor what God gave me, I want to honor Tommy.. When my time comes, I want to get to Heaven and have Tommy say "Mommy! Your HERE!!! I am so proud of you, I saw you in pain, I saw you cry and scream out upon missing me…I prayed with Jesus and he answered your prayers, he gave you peace, strength, comfort, signs and his love!! You kept going, kept loving… I saw you in the depths of pain and climb out a more amazing person.. I loved how you loved me every day of your life.. I was sent to you to change you, dad, and those around you… I have waited with great anticipation of your arrival here in Heaven. Oh I am so glad you are here! I love you"…. That is what I hope for, that is what I desire in my heart of hearts… I am beyond excited to see my sweet boy again, I am equally excited for what God has in store for us…… 

when I am afraid, I will trust in you.

in God whose word I praise, in God I trust.

I will not be afraid. 

Love B