November 22nd 2011
Last night and today have been rough. Slowly my mind is emerging from the fog and being hit with the stark reality that Tommy is gone… I feel like I keep saying that but I don't think it is going to really be real to me. I read somewhere that losing a child is like losing a part of yourself~ I truly believe that.. because my body my soul (not yet my mind) feels a big chunk missing. It is hard to explain, but I am not whole. Tommy was such a blessing and I loved him so much that it has and will leave a gaping hole in my heart. I was crying last night, talking to Jack about how much I TRULY love Tommy, that is was so crazy because I didn't feel like that with Estella (maybe bc she was a tougher baby?) and I just am having a hard time working thru loving someone so much and then he was gone…
I also feel like my "logic" side of my brain is trying to reconcile the fact that I won't see Tommy again until I get to heaven and my "heart/soul" side is screaming NO I want him now and I can wait. Also I am having difficulty even thinking about that night bc it was so traumatic for me. I just can't handle it. The sheer thought of that night, makes me sick to my stomach. Literally sick. I want him back sooooo bad it hurts physically. Makes me feel hot, sick to my stomach, I get abdominal cramps and weak.
Love B
Brita, I wish there was something, ANYTHING I could say or do that ease the pain even just a little. I find myself reading your Blog and holding my breath, almost waiting for you to say it was all just a dream. I pray for you, Jack, and Estella, for your strength which might be hard to see and feel but IS there, for your Faith in God and knowing that He has a strange but incredible way of showing us His plan when He is ready and on His terms, and for your relationship with each other, that this might bond you together tighter than ever before, that Estella always know that she and Tommy will have a special bond forever and memories she will always hold dear. Hang in there, you're tougher than you think and with God all things are possible! Sending you as many Hugs and Prayers as I can!!l
ReplyDelete