December 12th 2011
Today I got up, sucked down about 4 cups of coffee, did my bible study and went to "work" on the house… Laundry, cleaning, picking up things… sounds meaningless but it is a big step. During all this I am praying to God, giving him thanks today for a happier heart… all the while thinking of sweet Tommy. Today there is a certain serenity at our house, to which I am immensely thankful for! For some reason I feel lighter. Physically and emotionally a little lighter.. I still get choked up when I become deep in thought about Tommy.. but I know that aspect will be apart of my life for some time, if not forever~ I have a few pictures hanging on the wall of our hallway, each and every time I walk past them I look at how beautiful Tommy is, it even has been bringing a soft smile to my face.. The hole in my heart cannot be filled until he and I are reunited but what time cannot heal, God can. I still have not put away Tommy's pacifiers, his bottles (which he so strongly disliked), or any of his clothes or nursery stuff. I know I am not ready to put all his things away, to pack up his teeny onises, blankets, carseat, swing and toys.. I know he isn't coming back that isn't why I can't put them away.. it is just that it brings me a little reminder that he was really here. It also brings me great comfort that Jack lets me really go at my own pace~ I don't know what I would do if he wanted me to pack Tommy's stuff up right now… Today I went into Tommy's nursery, sat in the rocking chair and held one of his tiny sleep sacks to my chest where he used to rest.. I cried, how tiny he was, so sweet and so beautiful… how deeply I miss him, how blessed to have been able to love him, how the hole in my heart longs to be filled by him when I see him in heaven and how I know how much God loves me.. For some reason He has 'found favor' in me, I praise him in this storm….
I feel there is a change beginning to take root in me, I am no longer angry at God for taking Tommy home, for taking him away from me and leaving me with a hole in my heart… rather now I just feel blessed that I was able to be Tommy's mommy for any amount of time… I read in a book that we "borrow" our children from God and we should feel very blessed that He loves us enough to entrust them to us.. being heartbroken that Tommy isn't here is normal, but finding joy in life again has to be normal too~ there is not a moment where I am not thinking of Tommy, missing him but laughing this past Saturday was the best medicine for my soul. It is amazing where God can take you if you are willing to go.. I feel ready for what He has in store for me, I feel a sense of serenity in the midst of a storm of sadness for what I have and will continue to go thru… I know not every day is going to be easy, but God willing every day I do not have to go it alone… I have Him, wonderful family, beautiful friends and a unwavering faith that I will become stronger, braver and smarter than the day before…
Love B
I am so happy to hear you had a better day. I can tell you are healing a little bit more from this post. I can't image what emotions you are still going through, but we are still praying for you all.
ReplyDelete