December 27th~ 47 Days

December 27th 2011

Christmas.. the days leading up to the 25th were hard.. very hard. From dropping off Tommy's wreath at his grave, to driving away feeling like I have been stripped of my job as his mommy (here on earth) and to listening to Estella saying she wishes Tommy didn't die and that she misses him. Christmas Day was filled with sadness and abounding joy. If it weren't for Estella we'd be in a different place, one overwhelmed by grief… I caught a glimpse of what the future will hold for me. This was supposed to be Tommy's first Christmas, there will be a "second" a "third" so on and so on. 10 years from now it will 10yrs with out him.. no stocking hung above the fireplace for Tommy, no presents under the tree for him, no surprised look on Tommy's face at what lies inside those wrapped gifts, no sheer excitement when santa comes… I think of what it will be like when I get older, going through all those milestone moments of Tommy's life but with out him here… how can I remember my sweet Tommy, keeping him alive in my heart and mind and still be happy, healthy and full of life. I know I can do it with God... I feel like I have been stripped of my sons life experiences, all that I wanted for him… I feel somewhat selfish saying that because it makes me sounds unappreciative of Gods plan for our lives.. But it is how I feel. I read like a maniac, everything I can get my hands on when it comes to loss of a child and grief.. All the books say to do things to commemorate his sweet life, celebrating birthdays, giving a Christmas present to a child from Tommy.. and also celebrating the day Tommy went to Heaven. I imagine myself 65yrs old, a small little cake, I blow out the candle, release a light blue balloon and blow a kiss up to the heavens for Tommy… once again asking my brother to paint yet another elephant painting to give a parent who has lost their child… And on the day Tommy went to Heaven go to his grave and release another blue balloon.. I try and imagine where the pictures of my sweet little boy will be in our house, will they be peppered in with my other children's (probably)? or kept in a scared spot.. How will I explain to our other children that they have a older brother which they cannot see or touch? Will they be ok with us honoring Tommy? Will they love him like we do?? I know I probably sound insane, but these are my crazy thoughts… after I have exhausted my mind with the will's, when's, how's… I pray that God guides me, to hold me and heal me.  I have been having these "flashes" of memories... of walking around in our house, holding Tommy, going about my day and just enjoying  being his mommy.. rocking him in the sunroom and loving the peace he brought me.. most of those moments feel like a dream. It almost as though Tommy was here long enough to make a lasting impression on my heart, but not fully rip it out when he left. 

On Christmas I spoke with my aunt, she said she could just tell Tommy was wise beyond his years and an angel here on earth. I believe she was right. I gaze at pictures of Tommy off and on all day. I just don't want to ever forget him, his sweet face and the love I have for him.. I miss him terribly. We have been so busy, holiday gatherings pretty much non-stop until yesterday (11 days straight)… I am so glad to have a few days of down time.. it is often exhausting to get ready, meet people and try to allow myself a few moments of joy, it is hard when you have a heavy heart… Seems like towards the end of conversations I end up answering the questions "are you going to have more? when would you try again?" oddly this question seems to bother other people more than me, in that I mean others seem to have a opinion on whether or not we should try again and when.. Yes Yes Yes we are going to (god willing) have more kids.. I thought and said I was done after Tommy, but now I would like at least 2 possibly 3 more.. and as to the when, as soon as we can. Due to the c-section we can't for a few more months.. I don't know if people totally understand, when you lose a child (especially one you tried to have for 2yrs) you want to have more because that was the whole reason~ wanting more children. No other child can replace the one you lost, no other child can fill that hole in your heart.. I don't think people fully understand the concept of we are NOT, CANNOT in any way replace Tommy, nor do we want to.. 

I am excited for the new year. To see what God has planned for Jack and I. I am hopeful for healing, blessings and everything else that comes our way.

Love B