December 22nd 2011
Dear Tommy,
It has been 6 weeks since you left to go to Heaven. 6 weeks since I have been able to kiss you, hold you, tell you I love you.. 6 weeks since our lives changed, 6 weeks since your sweet smile lit up our lives with joy… 6 weeks of strength I did not know I could ever possess (thru God!).. 6 weeks since I have been graced by God, shown that there are miracles happening all around us… And 6 weeks since you took a piece of my heart with you and my heart has not been whole. You came into the world as PURE joy to us. You were so beautiful, I have not seen a more serene, sweet and truly perfect baby until I had you. I coined you my little blessing, you still are and forever will be. You changed me, really you did! I was at peace with you in my arms, no longer having worries or 'wants' in life it is as if you truly filled me up. I don't know how you did it but, by having you I found myself. You made me better in every way~ but especially as a mother, you made me feel like I excelled in ways not previously known. My heart grew in bounds, I honestly had NO idea how much I could love until I loved you. There is not a moment that goes by that I don't miss you. Sometimes I feel like you were a dream, so beautiful and perfect~ I cannot believe how blessed I was to be your mom, to be able to take care of you and to love you.. I miss waking up and you being the first thing I see every morning, I miss waking up at night having quiet moments with you, I miss everything about being you Mommy…. I miss watching you in your little gym with Estella next to you and you guys batting at the toys! I miss seeing you..your beautiful face... feeling you in my arms… My heart literally wrenches at the thought of you not here, my eyes fill with tears and there is a lump in my throat that near chokes me… Estella misses her sweet baby brother~ she has told me in full assurance that YOU were an angel, not a baby but a angel.. sounds like she knew more that we did (or do!). She talks about you often and when she misses you she asks to hear your song… she twirls around and smiles. You have made all of us better, I promise we will never forget you. You will always be my second child, my first boy and my beautiful angel. I will miss you all the days of my life, I will hold you in my heart because I cannot hold you in my arms, I will continue to love you just as if you were here with me… It is hard because I know you are in a better place, but ohhh such a bid part of me still wishes you were in my arms. It isn't easy to say goodbye to someone you love, but having to say goodbye to you has been…. impossible~ difficult just doesn't fully embody how I feel. I am sorry you suffered that horrible night, I am sorry I didn't know you were sick. All I can say is God had a plan for you, for us and everyone in our lives…even though I don't understand fully I have to trust Him. I cannot wait to see you again, I pray that You are the first one I see in Heaven… (well first one after Jesus).. I wonder if you are going to be a baby or a little boy or ?… In my silent prayers I pray you are a baby, so I can finish what I began and that my heart will be restored to the completeness that it was when you were here… Estella told me a few nights ago that "God told me Tommy is going to be a baby for you when you get to Heaven" so ?? in her infinite wisdom I am inclined to take her word on it.. One thing I am at peace about is where you are and the benefits of being in Heaven. You are healed & healthy, You are with God, Jesus, my other angel babies I get to meet when I get there, Pop (daddy's dad), my Grandma & Grandpa.. the list goes on.. In heaven you are not scared or bored or have another wants because God fills you. You do not miss me, you will have no heart ache.. for that I am also thankful for. I know that this life is a blink of an eye how fast this time on earth goes, thank God for that. (literally THANK God!).. I used to be petrified of dying, literally scared silly of leaving all that I know, I am no longer fearful for the moment I am called home. It will be some time before I am able to be with you, but I am truly looking forward to it! Please know my tears are because I miss you, God will store them up and make joy of them.
I love you Tommy and miss you every day… Love Mommy
No comments:
Post a Comment