December 8th 2011
4 weeks today… wow. 4 weeks!? feels like a lifetime. no feels longer than a lifetime… Sounds silly but I'd give anything to have him in my arms for just more one night. Knowing now that he had major heart issues, breaks my heart~ I want to say I am so sorry to him, sorry that I didn't know he wasn't well, he acted healthy and happy.. I would love to tell him just one more time how much I love him. To kiss his sweet soft cheeks~ ah that would be like heaven to me.
Exactly 4wks ago, around 12am, I was walking out of Childrens Hospital... with out my sweet boy. Leaving something I had grown to love more than words can say. Leaving what I had brought there hoping for his life to be saved. I walked out not understanding what had just occurred and questioning everything I had ever known.... only knowing one thing for certain, I would NEVER be the same person I walked in as.
I was right. I am not the same person. Nearly everything is different about me. I have been rocked to the foundation and am still standing... How that is possible two word GOD & JESUS. I feel like I am living every parents worst nightmare... my heart truly breaks for any parent who has suffered a loss...
I woke up late, scramble to get Estella to school.. we literally hustle to get into the car, hop in and BAM! it hits me like a ton of bricks and when I say that I am not joking in the slightest.. I fight back tears. Tommy isn't in the back seat. Immediately Estella asks if she can hear "Tommy's Song" (aka Rejoice by Nick Nagurski), I oblige her knowing that clearly that is her "therapy"~ seems like every time she misses him she requests Tommy's Song and it cheers her up. I fight back tears all the way to her school, drop her off and as quick as I can rush back to the car bc I can feel them coming.. tears and I know they are not the 'welling up tears' they are the FULL ON TEARS…… I drive away still longing to just peek in the rearview mirror and see Tommy just chillin in his carseat… I have to make a quick stop at Target, aaaah I have dreaded and yet successful avoided Target for 4 wks and 1 day.. Last time I was there was the day before Tommy passed. How can I walk into Target empty handed?? YA empty handed.. No little Tommy to shield from the cold, no need to pick up sweet little tiny diapers… A few memories flash through my mind of my little buddy in his carseat in the cart… he would just sit and check me out… I am one of those moms who constantly talks to her kids, telling about what I am buying, that I love them, how excited I am for them to grow up…probably looking a little coo coo because no matter how old or young, I just talk to them.. I just picture being a kid, having to run errands and how boring it would be to not have someone tell me about what their buying, what we're doing next or "when you get older…" just talking.. Ok so writing that actually sounds a little cooky. But it's what I do. I have an empty arm where my sweet boy should be, I can't even bring myself to get a cart~ no joke, I would rather carry 12 baskets and look like a freaky Target sherpa than roll around an empty cart right now. Needless to say I bought like 3 items and skedaddled out of there. Today was also "busy" day… due to Tommy's reason for passing I need to go to the doctor (ah… again?!? enough already!) now need to get a echocardiogram ("just precautionary").. the reason being IF we want to have more kids (yes please!!) I need to get my ducks in a row.. By ducks in a row, I mean getting a referral from the dr we saw yesterday, then I have to sign releases for my obgyn and family doctor medical records, as well as get Tommy's medical records from the pediatrician, Fairview Southdale medical records, Children's medical records.. ONLY then can the MN Perinatal peeps make a appointment.. First of all it is beyond hard to call fairview and childrens, I need to talk to them to tell them the reason I need a "asap/rush" is because my son passed away and I need it for future appointments… there is always this dead silence that is near ringing in your ear~ trying to figure out if all that waiting and searching for a actual person to talk to was a waste because they may have just hung up. NO ONE knows what to say, I get that!!! heck I don't even know what to say or think a good portion of the time, but even a grunt would be appreciated!! When it is all said and done, it felt good to be finished.
I also realized how awkward I am now. After Estella's concert we all went to grab something to eat.. sitting there next to Estella as the guy is asking what we'd like to eat/drink… he comments on how cute Estella is~ and says "so she's your only one?"… how do you field those questions, yes? (all the while thinking only one living)… or no? we had a little boy, he passed away… I wish I knew what to say, I just sit there in a weird silence as though I am frantically searching my mind for the right answer.... HELLO there is no right answer...
I pray continuously.. I don't really ask God why anymore, not why Tommy at least, I think I know why Tommy, he was an angel, sent only for a few months to changes a few lives… I know he will reveal why eventually. I pray for strength, comfort, for God to help me fall apart and put me back together a stronger person than before, I pray for healing for our family and I pray for a future… Tommy has brought a light to our lives, he has brought a love to our hearts and Tommy has brought hope to our future. He truly made it here against so many odds, God chose Jack and Estella and I to love Tommy for the time he was here… we are so blessed.
Love B
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