November 21st 2011
Tommy, my life was changed by you. In so many ways, for one I never knew love like that before~ absolute unconditional feverish love. I kid you not, you made my heart grow so big at some times I thought it was going to burst with joy. Secondly, you made me calm, relaxed and confident as a mom.. Thirdly, you got dad (jack) to help nearly every night for every diaper change for nearly 4wks! Those are just a few I thought of right away… As for the reason as to why you went to Heaven so soon, I truly believe one was to save me. To bind me to Jack, to make me take Gods hand in mine and know I cannot afford to let go, to soften my heart and ultimately save my soul.
I looked inside "the bag", yes… the bag that Childrens prepared for us.. A lock of Tommy's sweet soft hair… Tommy's hand and footprints both on paper as well as in a few molds. HARD, heart wrenching and it was another dose of reality that I didn't want to take. I stood there in the nursery, peering between my tears at my little Tommy's foot and hand prints that are so small, it truly breaks my heart. The lock of his hair, the hair I smelled, caressed, the hair attached to his sweet head, that sweet head that rested continuously on my shoulder, on my chest, in my arms or at my breast.. I miss him more than words can say, more than I can begin to understand and more than my heart can bear.
I waiver between silently praying, or at times screaming at God… to trying to provide a smile and some happiness for Estella. At times I fade away into the literal abyss of my mind desperately scouring my memory for stolen moments of Tommy… I don't want to forget him but I feel like I had such little time with him to stockpile memories. I do remember rather vividly the joy he brought my soul~ someone said "you loved him enough for a lifetime" I couldn't have said it better myself. For the love I had for him went beyond his mere months here on earth, I am truly thankful for that…
Love B
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