December 4th
I am actually sitting in the sunroom.. I truly do NOT like it anymore. We spent hours debating which exact rocking chair/glider to get to put in here, we didn't want just any chair. We looked for one that would be comfortable for long nights with our new baby, for one that looked cool not your typical glider… for one that didn't scream ROCKER or GLIDER!! We finally had found it, a big soft deep brown suck you in glider that also is a recliner.. after waiting for nearly 6wks we got the call that it was in!! I was closing in on my due date and was beyond excited.. we began creating the sunroom into a calm, relaxing place to be. The reasoning behind putting the chair in the sunroom was because I knew I was probably going to do lots of feedings in the chair and wanted to still be able to be available to Estella… not stuck in the nursery. Awaiting Tommy's arrival I had some severely bizarre sleep habits, went (fell asleep) to bed around 11pm and would awaken at (no joke) around 4:30am. I could never fall back asleep.. ever. So I'd go into the living room and read or watch a show on my ipad.. when we got the rocker (about 2wks before he was born) I would go in the sunroom, snuggle up in the rocker (reading or watching a show). It was pretty much the only time of day where I was able to focus solely on what this little baby was doing inside me. Because I am a insane planner I was a little peeved that we didn't know the gender of this sweet little person inside me. But in the silence of those mornings (well every morning from nearly 30wks on) I would try an imagine what it was going to look like, how it was going to be (calm baby or crazy baby) and if it was a boy or girl. I had made up my mind mid-way thru my pregnancy that I indeed wanted a boy. In fact I was so looking forward to the possibility of it being a boy that the thought of it being a girl disappointed me!! (very shocking bc at first I ONLY wanted another little lady!!).. So as I was saying I was up wayyy early every morning, again it was just this little baby and my time, for me to just dream about holding he or she in my arms, nursing, calming it (if it was like estella no amount of rocking, walking or soothing ever helped), and just being so thankful that I was blessed with another. It was at these times I would feel Tommy so elegantly move, almost as if he never wanted to jab or kick me. I used to joke with him while he was in my belly that he obviously was so comfortable in there he didn't want to come out~ looking back perhaps God was just giving Tommy and I stolen moments to just enjoy each other.. uninterrupted and cherished moments.
I have a hard time sitting in the chair let alone passing thru the sunroom. So many moments in that chair.. me pregnant with Tommy and then after Tommy was born he and I spent a lot of time in there.. especially on the day he passed. All those thoughts send little pings of pain into my heart. At sometimes Tommy seems as though he wasn't even here, I have pictures of him up, on my phone, in my bible…but at the same time (if that can even make sense) my heart misses him so much that I truly don't know if I even can conceptualize how deep the soul wrenching pain is… There are moments during the day where I "roam" around the house, trying to figure out 'what to do', it almost is as if my body is going thru the motions and trying to reconcile what it was used to doing for 2mos non-stop and what is supposed to do now.
I heard a lady, a mom, she was saying how annoyed she was with her daughter, complaining and not speaking very nicely about her daughter… you could just tell she was "brewing" inside. So much of me wanted to walk over to her and say~ I apologize for doing this, but I recently lost my son. Tommy was 2mos 6days old… I will never get to hold him, feel the weight of him in my arms, feel the softness of his hair, the smell of his skin, adore his face, feed him, change him, rocking him and I will never be able to tell him I LOVE HIM. You do not know when your number will be called. Every moment is a gift, good or bad, it is up to you to either squander it or cherish it. I kept my mouth shut, shot her a smile.. a soft loving smile..
EVERY night I fall asleep praying, remembering Tommy and quietly crying.. Each morning I wake up (like an 'emotional' groundhogs day~ ie. groundhogs day with bill murry) steeped immediately in emotional pain, I pray before my feet hit the ground~ I ask God to give me just enough to make it thru today, I ask for forgiveness because as soon as I get out of bed I know at some point during the day I am going curse the bee-geezers out of him, I will be so upset at my circumstance that I will once again teeter on asking WHY me? and I know I will call on him many times and plead for him to take this pain… I feel soft whispers on my heart saying "trust me, i am here, be patient with me for the plans i have for you are greater than the pain you feel right now…"
Love
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