November 23rd 2011
Today has been hard. Very hard. My heart is aching, literally aching. I miss Tommy so very much, my memories are so painful~ the thought of knowing that he is not coming back, that I will not see him again and I will miss him for all the days of my life here on earth is so overwhelming and saddening. Night time seems to be my most difficult, probably because that is when time slowed down for us (Tommy and I) we were able to just relax, hang, feed, enjoy and love on him. I just do not know how to go on from here. I can hardly look back at that night, the night my life was forever changed. I have reality staring at me and I hate this new reality. This reality is painful, it is going to drain me, it is going to take everything I have not to be ruined.. I miss Tommy. I have endured painful situations in my life, always feeling like I can "rebound" but this is much different, this is not a test this is a trial of epic proportion.
I just sit here typing and praying to God that he will help me. Continuously praying. I just want to have him take my heart ache, to shield me from all of this. I truly don't want to have to hurt like this. It is scary and not to sound like a broken record but I miss Tommy and it has only been 13days and my heart hurts more and more each and every day. I don't know how to navigate thru missing my baby boy for a lifetime. I know I have to pray, take it minute by minute…. I sit here choking back tears… doing 2 of the only things that make me feel better, writing and praying. I am sometimes unable to look at pictures of him, it sends a earth shattering feeling throughout my whole body. I silently cry chest heaving, seeing his sweet face just breaks me that I can no long touch his sweet cheeks, pepper him with kisses, press my forehead against his staring at him eye to eye nose to nose smelling his sweet breath. God, if you can hear me, I MISS TOMMY, please help heal my heart!!!!
I am summoning all that is left in me to ensure Estella feels love, the same love she felt from me before Tommy went back to heaven. I don't want her to be scarred by this, she told me that "she and tommy are my angels and I shouldn't be sad because Tommy is making God smile in heaven~" She needs me healthy happy and whole… she deserves a mommy to find joy in her smile, a mommy that doesn't break down and cries all the time, she deserves the best I can be… I pray for the day I don't count days by the number of Tommy not being here, the days where I can look at a picture of him with JOY instead of complete sorrow, the days where I can genuinely smile at the thought of having been blessed with a wonderful little boy who is now my angel...
Love B
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