December 15th 2011
A few days ago I received ALL the pictures of Tommy.. all 493 pictures.. which is pretty good for his short time here. I hesitated opening the box and then again when rifling thru them.. I wasn't sure if it was going to be hard or easy, a teary enjoyment or complete sadness… But I was met with a soft smile and a happy heart to see him.. Oh beautiful Tommy, I miss you.. I do wish we had done more videos of him.. but I cannot go back, I can only look forward. Night has become my favorite part of the day (these days).. I lay in bed close my eyes and try to remember Tommy.. searching my mind for just a glimpse of him.. knowing he is in there somewhere. I don't really have many memories of Tommy, for as many hours I stared at his sweet face I can't remember him. I remember the way he made my heart feel, how soft his hair was when it brushed against my chin when he was curled up on my chest, and then fragments of him… his ears, his little lips, eyebrows, hairline, belly and chin….but I am unable to 'see' him all put together in my mind.. I am oddly becoming 'ok' with not remembering for now.. Looking at pictures of him no longer bring 'crazy' tears (the ones that pool in your eyes, blur your vision and like a tidal wave come crashing down your face) but rather the ones that softly and slowly trickle down your face, usually one by one. I also no longer look at pictures of Tommy with heart wrenching sadness, I now look at him with a brush of joy and a overwhelming amount of gratitude in my heart for God, I look at Tommy as a PURE blessing. It is amazing when you begin to have a heart filled with gratitude. It changes you, it opens your heart and frees you from everything that previously held you back.. I don't just feel like I lost my baby boy, but that I gained a deeper relationship with God and have been blessed by Tommy in so many ways… I miss Tommy so very much..
I still struggle when someone asks "oh is she your only one?" or "how many kids do you have?"~ each time sending me a ping of pain in my heart and deep confusion on how to answer… A beautiful mama friend suggested that I say "I have 2" and if estella is with then "i have 2, my little boy is home…" I love that response! Because I do have 2 children and Tommy is home, just not his home on earth but rather his home in heaven. I love to acknowledge Tommy as my son.. just because he is no longer here doesn't mean he has to be 'gone'. All in all I am slowly being healed, I literally can feel it… in times of great sadness I feel as though my heart is being mended one stitch at a time. Smiling & laughing is becoming less stressed and more authentic, praise GOD! It truly is amazing what smiling and laughing can do for your heart and soul….
Slowly my life is beginning to take shape once again, learning to live with missing my beautiful Tommy and looking forward to what new path has been laid before me, again I walked away from that night a different person.. Silent prayers and a tear soaked pillow give way to sleep…. another day without Tommy has come and gone. I miss him, more than words can say but know he is in a better place…
For who knows that you have been put here for such a time as this.........
Love B
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