Noveber 19th 2011
It's been a long 9 days. Seems weird it has only been 9 days without my baby boy. My Tommy. I have not comprehended what has occurred. I know that I no longer have to get up at night to feed a baby. I know that I miss something but not sure what it is exactly.. I know that my heart is broken. I feel as though he was never here yet there is a HUGE void in my soul that seems to be hurting beyond my capacity to understand (literally)~ I know that I am numb and at some point that will give way to unbearable pain. I am scared and know that the depths of this will rock me to my core, I know that I am beyond talented with putting pain in a box and storing it inside for no one to look at, know about, not even myself. I feel like I have been hit by a tidal wave, it has washed across my being, I am underwater holding my breath… i know that eventually I have to take a breath and I know it will draw in the water, that it will consume me I just have to pray I get rescued. Also knowing that when I do surface, life, my life will never be the same…..
What little memories I do have of Tommy are shrouded in the events of that night, maybe that is why I cannot "remember" him. My brain and God are protecting me bc I am not ready to process what has occurred. I truly cannot bear thinking about that evening. To have such a joy ripped from my arms never to him again, at least here on earth. I am SCARED.
I feel like I am stuck in a castle, looking down from a tower… I see a HUGE stone wall surrounding my castle….. and I know he is coming.. The air changes into a physical sense of presence. I can feel the thunderous stomp of a dark horse on which the devil is riding, he paces around the wall looking, waiting and staring at me… anticipating just the right time to strike. He is patient, diligent and craves what is left of my broken soul. HE CANNOT HAVE IT.
I am mad at God, furious with him. WHY. Why Tommy. Why take him?? He was perfect, I love him.. we love him. Why take him from a family who loves him? A sister that adores him? Jack and I who waited for him.. I WANT HIM BACK. I want to hold him, kiss him, love on him, feed him, change him, snuggle with him…. I want to finish my JOB, I want to be a loving mother to him. Why have you taken him from me… Dear God, why, I need a answer, I need to know why you have done this to me, to jack to estella!? I know God has a plan, I know it is for good… but I want Tommy back.
I have tasted one moment of true grief, where reality set in and took a hold of me. It was on Wednesday night (nov. 16th).. it scared me, the nausea and weakness was overwhelming~ so much so I literally thought I'd have to go get medical attention.. it was beyond scary and I do NOT want to experience that again… but know I will.
How do I go on…. with life. Everyone at Tommy's memorial service (and after) keeps saying " your so strong" part of me feels it is God who is holding me up, the other part is denial. I do know one thing I want Tommy's life to have profound meaning. I want everyone to know about him, know that he is with Jesus and know that although we are breaking (and will be broken) it is through God we are put together again.. kinda like a broken bone, it gets x-rayed, then reset, cast and eventually over time becomes stronger because it was broken. I want God to do that to me, to my heart, soul, spirit, body… I want him to help me fall apart and then put me together strong than before. I also have this weird thought of, in life you make these choices that take you one way or another… and maybe God "allows" things to happen, a profound event, to "reset" you, to break you fully so that he can put you together again stronger than before…..
I feel better writing this, getting some of the thoughts out of my mind….
Love B
No comments:
Post a Comment