December 7th 2011
Not a day or hour or moment really goes by with out me thinking of Tommy. It seems like an eternity without my sweet boy.. Truly an eternity..
I silently praying to God, all morning. On the way to the medical examiners office to pick up the results of Tommy passing (crying while I walk into the place where my sweet sons body was, why it was there and how much I miss him). I pray silently for our sweet daughter Estella, pleading with God to make her heart perfect, to let the echo go amazing, that there are clear pictures and we get the best results. We arrive at Children's Heart Clinic, I know that we are in the best place imaginal.. Swallowing has taken on a new and yet horrible reflex, never did I know the amount of saliva of a normal adult could be such a small quantity yet feel like slamming a glass of water, nearly choking,. I walk up, check in and then have to ask "who do I give this to" the receptionist looks and says "what is it?" (not in a mean way at all) I surprise myself, I muster up the strength to say "it is my son's autopsy report"~ I cannot believe I have to HAND over my sons report!? ah. horrible….I am still silently praying to God as I fill out paperwork, question: siblings_________________.age______________. Yes, well no? i answer yes and continue to write younger brother, 2mos 6day~ passed away 11/10/11. (my heart..thud) next questions refer to immediate family who has heart related issues, (another thud) our sweet son.. (silently praying still) next question who referred you and why________.. ah.. pediatrician and because our son passed away.. Meanwhile I watch this SWEET little girl, Skylar, she was probably 14mos. Skylar looked like a little angel (who loves to run!) fair skin, blond hair and blue eyes.. Her parents are sitting in the waiting room filling out the same paper work.. my heart breaks for them.
We were brought to another exam room, I ran to the bathroom, praying and this time saying "jesus, please intercede on our behalfs, please let us get the best results, that Estellas heart is perfect and there is nothing wrong with her, please Jesus, please.." Finally we get called back into a room, they do a EKG on Estella (who was so amazing!) while the nurse is placing the "stickers"on Estellas tiny body (i am still praying to God).. We then go to another room and wait… what seems like an eternity. We are brought back for the echocardiogram, which Estella wanted pictures of her heart.. We get done and then more waiting…. I hear in the hallway "hey guys we're ready for ya! Hi Skylar! how you doing!! come on back guys!"~ I say a prayer for strength for Skylar's parents, for a amazing outcome for what ever ails their sweet little girl.. The Dr comes in, I feverishly try and read her face for a expression, heck any expression that could tell me if it was good or bad news we were about to receive! She introduces herself and that she studied in Boston at the BEST heart hospital. She sat with us and told us Estella is perfect. Thank YOU GOD! Then started going over all that was wrong with Tommy. She begins to unfold all these things that were wrong (heart and lungs wise) with him.. starts off saying, during her fellowship she knows of a doctor who was "trying" to figure out why and how to cure this disease Partial Anomolous Veinous Stenosis disease (i think that is the official name) and they cant. It presents itself between 6wks and 12wks, it is a progressive disease and is 100% fatal. She also said that we were very lucky because we were able to have 2mos with him, in our home, by all means "healthy" (aka no one knew he was sick, he didn't present any signs of being super ill) we were able to hold him, feed him, love on him vs being in hospital pumping him full of drugs that only would fail him in the near future, we didn't have to watch him and wait for him to pass…. She again stresses "there is nothing you could have done, nothing that doctors could have done.." I waiver between tears and thankfulness~ we were a few of the lucky, we had him for 2mos 6day not in the hospital unable to hold him and basically waiting for him to pass away. I miss him so very much. She also told us how both sides of his heart had issues, saying how that is sooo severely uncommon and she actually has never know anyone to have issues on both sides. She went thru all the medical terminology and said these things are all sooooo rare. Our question to her is what about other children? she said our chances are 1-3%, (i silently think in my mind "so you're saying theres a chance") she in detail explains that it is such a small chance and not to worry… but then says when you do become pregnant again, I'd go to MN perinatal physicians, they are very very good.. they do the best 20wk scans and then she would follow up right after the baby is born and again before we are discharged from the hospital… She said it will help me to know that they are great at what they do and can rest assured that I would be taken care of and wouldn't need to worry…. that set my mind at ease, knowing we can have more kids, that they would take care of us… a hour later we walk out from the room.. say our goodbyes.
Driving away from Childrens is hard. That is the last place I held Tommy, granted he had gone to heaven but the memory of holding his sweet little body seared thru my brain like a hot sword. Having the answers as to why he is gone, knowing our silly stelli is healthy, that we can have more kids and not worry~ were all amazing, but my heart still just aches for my baby, my little Tommy. As we are getting ready to pull onto the highway (under an overpass) Jack and I talk about the appointment and how we had our prayers answered, Jack notices the older gold Osomobile right in front of us~ with the bumper sticker saying "Jesus is the answer"… chills come over me, ah?? I usually pray to "God" or "lord" (bc of how I grew up, just used to doing it?!) rarely to I directly pray to JESUS, so rarely that I shocked myself in doing so in the bathroom… I felt like Jesus was saying yep, hello I am here, I AM the answer…
Though you have made me see troubles many and bitter
from will restore my life again
from the depths of the earth you will bring me up…
Love B
No comments:
Post a Comment