December 18th~ 38 Days..

December 18th 2011

Today was beginning to be a hard day.. I could just feel it in the marrow of my bones. Jack is at the Vikings game with Estella. It isn't hard because I am alone, I actually enjoy it~ time to think, remember and have some quiet time. But I just really miss Tommy. I miss taking care of him. I miss holding him. I miss kissing him. AH! I miss everything. I know with every fiber of my being he is in a TRULY better place, but it is my heart that just longs to be whole once again. My daily heartache comes and goes sometimes with such intensity, at times it can feel as thought it could crush me, I usually sit~ allowing the moment to wash over me knowing that like a wave it will recede and I can breathe again.. I sit here listening to Tommy's song it sends a sense of comfort through my mind and heart. It is as though the person is singing it to me, knowing every moment that I am enduring and encouraging me through this.  It is amazing how God made us, with a soul that can miss another, a love that cannot be separated by death, a heart that can be bounding in love but broken, a sadness that someone is no longer here but happy that they are somewhere else and just when you think you cannot bear it anymore, He gives you something that you cannot find within yourself… strength.

On Friday Estella told me that "Tommy was just a beautiful angel", it brought tears to my eyes when she said it~ she talks about Tommy in a way that both warms my heart and puts my soul at ease… She is wise beyond her mere 4yrs, after we pray she started saying "will you tell Tommy we love him and give him a kiss goodnight for us"~ we asked who she was asking to do that? simply stated "Jesus and God"… ok, I asked maybe we could ask an angel to do that too?? to which she sternly snapped back at us (well ok at me)  "No, Angels give US messages from God, we can't ask angels to give messages to God!" I asked how she knew that, because that (obviously) isn't something I am well versed in.. she softly says "mom, I know because God tells me, we pray to Him when we need to give him a message" ~ clearly God is giving Jack and I peace, strength, comfort, healing, abounding love, grace- list goes on… but He is giving something to Estella, wisdom.  

Sometimes I get lost in wonder… I sometimes cannot figure out why God has placed his grace on us.. We weren't the every sunday church goers, we grew up christians, we are faithful, we have a belief in God, I've done bible studies etc… The only thing I can come up with, God allowed this "trial" in our lives to see what we would do… would we be wracked with anger, spite and fall away from Him~ or would we praise Him, rely on Him and cling to Him…. We clearly did the latter. I trust God and know 100% that His plan is far better that anything I could come up with on my own, just because I believe in him doesn't mean I am immune to trials, heartache, and well, life… Some people do NOT understand why Jack and I have clung to God. Some people do not understand why we are different now, how we can be SO sure of our faith, why we are not just destroyed by this~ and we explain it is ONLY through God we can endure such a time as this and He has SHOWN us He is here~ it sometimes is met with a weary disbelief. I try and explain I have struggled with doubts in my life… Until I was faced with losing my beloved baby boy….  

Not everyone knows exactly what happened, some think Tommy passed in his sleep, some think it was breathing and he just passed… but few know that we watched our PRECIOUS son struggle, be worked on, alone with out his mommy and daddy by his side for hours (3 at fairview southdale). That I was FILLED with Hope at Tommy holding my finger so very tight, feeling him squeeze 3 times and then watching life literally slip away, his perfect pink skin turn to white, knowing his sweet soul had left… it was the hardest thing to witness, that I watched life slip away from his body, that I saw the nurse and ambulance guy feverishly work on him, injecting him with drugs to get his tiny heart beating again, the nurse rhythmically with 2 fingers pressing on the chest that I used to pepper with kisses just to try and keep a steady heartbeat…all the while in transit to Children's.. To hear the panic in their voices, to hear my own voice screaming at Tommy NOT to go, to stay with ME, yelling to him YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HERE WITH OUT YOU! For Jack sitting in the front of the ambulance, to hear the lady who was driving radio in that our sweet son was coding, the searing sound of the sirens… to hear me screaming at Tommy, unsure of what I am witnessing. To watch them rush Tommy into the ER at Childrens and work for another 3hrs.. to wait.. and wait.. holding out for hope but eventually having to make the decision to have no further work on him.. That is the shortened version, I cannot write every detail yet~ I am strong, but not yet strong enough to do that.. I cannot write this without tears streaming down my face… How can we endure losing our son in such a horrific way?? With God we can do anything. I had God. I had and still have Him imprinting on my heart "I am here.. cling to Me for I am strong enough to hold you up.. I WILL get you through this. I WILL keep my promises to you. BELIEVE Me."… so I did… I do… For probably the first time in my life, I really listened…  and I feel Him, His grace… Sometimes I want to say to people who are maybe unbelievers or weary, what would you do? who would you cling to in a time like this? if God can help me through this, imagine what He could help you through!  

I am blessed, I had 2 WONDERFUL months with Tommy. He made it here, beating all odds.. He is my blessing, Our blessing…. I miss him, everything about him… I cannot wait to see my sweet son again, to hold him and tell him I love him… to spend eternity with him.  

Love B

* these come straight from my journal, I write in there then copy and paste..