November 20th 2011
Today has been a flurry of memories, the bad ones. They slowly seep into my mind and I try like heck to get them out. I pray that they leave, silently shouting at God to take them for just a bit longer because I am not sure if I am strong enough to actually process… truly process the fact I saw my son die before my very eyes, unable to do anything but shout aloud "Tommy don't leave me, I NEED you, you stay here for me stay, Tommy don't' you dare leave me, TOMMY I NEED YOU!!!"~ I don't want to remember that night. I feel like my reality is slowing fusing together in my mind and I am going to soon realize the gravity of it. That my beautiful boy is gone…. never to be held again, kissed again, touched again… Like a thunderous storm it is coming, I can feel it brewing from the pit of my being… I don't think it will be long before reality hits and a new flood begins. I feel moments of strength, which only God can provide.
Looking back, only briefly bc that is about all I can handle, I feel like that night God slowly took Tommy from me. Little by little trying to allow me pauses in the horrific night to grasp that he was going to take my sweet son. To get enough moments between each phase of that night, first at home, then in the ambulance, then at Fairview, then in the ambulance and the final at Childrens. I feel like he was taking these pauses for me to understand that he was going to take Tommy, to finally get everyone around us for when he finally went to Heaven. I again silently sit here shouting at God, because I AM MAD, HURT, FRUSTRATED at him. As mad as I am at him, I need him. God is the only one who can take away the pain, to make this right and for good. A mother should not have to say goodbye to her son, to lay him to rest, to be left with the unimaginable pain that goes along with losing a child. I don't want this to be my reality.
We went to church this morning.. it was hard, not in the sense of going back to where we had his memorial service but rather because I wanted to shout into the congregation "I LOST MY SON. HE DIED and I AM DYING INSIDE!!!! and then GOD GIVE ME MY SON"~ I know it sounds insane, I have those moments where I just cant take it anymore…I want to hear someone say his name "tommy"… I just want to curl up and cry out every tear I have, just to get it out of me. I miss him so much, words cannot even begin to describe how much.
In the ambulance on the way to Childrens, he held my finger soo tight, squeezed 3 times and then our nightmare went on hyperdrive………………………………. I feel like he said goodbye to me at that moment. It was the first time I had been able to touch him, really touch him for longer than a few seconds in over 2hrs, he held my finger so tight I literally thought OH MY GOSH HE'S GONNA MAKE IT!! WHAT STRENGTH!! WHAT A GREAT SIGN!!! little did I know, he was going to make it… make it to heaven, what strength… what strength he held on long enough to say goodbye, what a great sign… great sign of a love between mother and son, son and Jesus, Jesus and God. As I am writing this tears flow (like they seem to when purging out my thoughts to text) I keep thinking God, why? Why leave this pit, this open wound in my heart?? doesn't God know me by now, I internalize EVERYTHING…and not necessarily the "healthy" internalizing, more the somewhat "destructive" internalizing. Why deliver the hardest thing to get through the worst grief to me?? doesn't he know I have enough issues?? why in the world would he think I could handle this!!? I wait, just sit and wait for God to reveal himself to me, what he wants me to do with myself.. for answers he will hopefully provide me.. for hope.. for joy.. for healing.. for my NEW future.
Love B
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