December 5th~ 25 days

December 5th 2011

So.. I officially dislike Monday's. To me it marks the count down to Thursday's~ and that means yet another week with out Tommy has passed. I am beyond surprised and scared, I looked counted and re-counted the number of days he has been absent from my arms.. 25 days. I was literally SHOCKED. It seems like he has been gone for months.. I struggled for a few moments, then realized~ when you have kids, especially a baby,  and say you leave to go have dinner with friends (sans kids) it can feel like you have been away from them for longer than you actually have (or at least for me it is like that). I honestly truly heartaching feel like it has been a lifetime since I have held him, kissed him and … well everything. 

Answered Prayer… Ask and You shall receive.. Last night I kept saying to God, just ONE word. Why? no specific attachment to it, no follow up details..just Why. Loong story, well short, Jack freaked out a little bc he has some mold (sounds gross but it is bc they tiled incorrectly by the shower in one little area) in his bathroom.. he began thinking, maybe the mold had something to do with Tommy's passing, I assured him No, they would have found spores in his lungs etc… So to ease Jacks mind we called the medical examiner this morning, spoke with him for a little while and then was transferred to a dr who solely checked out our sweet Tommy's heart. What had initially been deemed "healthy" was in fact NOT. We have not received the official "report" but what was told to us by this doctor was… it was "the perfect storm" of things.. he had a number (3?) of things wrong with it, with his aortas or major arteries, closed valve, poor function when the oxygenated blood traveled back to the heart… I am not a medical professional, but I guess from what they were saying the gist of it is, it is amazing that he lived 10mos inside my body, it is amazing that he survived birth with his 2 knots in his cord, it is amazing that he was able to bless us with 2mos and 6days… During this long phone call with the cardiologist I went over all the things I felt or noticed with Tommy, certain things that didn't sit easy with me… the doctor confirmed that of the 4 things I had "noticed" were in fact related to one or more of his heart issues.. she was quick to confirm that there was no way for me to know or to put the "puzzle" pieces together, that obviously the pediatricians didn't even feel like there was any sort of issue. The only "possible" way to detect some of these issues are through dye contrast and a mri or cat scan.. Now is the hard part, well who am I kidding this is all hard.. they suggested that Estella JUST for precaution have an echo-cardiogram done.. 

My life seems to troll on, every day awaking to the same nightmare.. to which I have deemed 'My Truth'… My heart aches, emotions ebb and flow, in the quietness of my thoughts alternating praying and trying to recall all of my memories of Tommy.. only to be snapped quickly out by Estella's little voice saying "Hey mom!" yah?? "I love you!!!!"~ 

Ask and you shall receive 

Seek and you shall find

Knock and the door will be opened…

Love B