Tommy's 1st Birthday........

September 9th 2012

Happy Birthday Tommy.

Happy Birthday sweet Thomas… our sweet son Tommy, little brother to Estella and treasured member of our little family. I cannot believe that you would be a year old! One Yr old.. I think of you every day and constantly throughout each and every day. You burst open our hearts, filled our life with love and blessed us in a way only your sweet spirit could. Not a day goes by where I wish you were here, I supposed that is how it will always be. I miss your amazing smile and yes you shot us a smile not long after you were born… Almost as if God granted you that ability, so we would never have to wonder what your smile would look like… Speaking of smiling.. I am now able to look at pictures of you and SMILE, my heart fills with overflowing joy at your sweet face.. Estella talks about you ALL the time, I knew that your bond was strong even when you were curled up inside me…You would dance around at the sound of her voice and it didn't stop there~ once you made your arrival your love for her was so clear, I don't know if it is normal for 2 day old babies to be able to move their heads in the desired direction, but you did…you loved to look at her, to stare at her… Estella loves you dearly sweet Tommy, she misses you so very much. You brought our family so much joy in your life here as well as joy in your return to Heaven~ you taught us joy in suffering (and still do). Although your entrance into this world was scary for us, it was truly a miracle… When the doctor showed us your umbilical cord and how it was in 2 true knots…how you had survived a rough labor…how I was at the hospital safe and monitored while your heart rate dropped to such low levels…how you were able to stay as long as you did while having undiagnosed fatal heart condition…how you were so strong, showing no signs of being sick and in turn giving us such precious moments with you.. You were a fighter, a survivor, a miracle and most of all a blessing… I am so thankful for your love, for your time here, for how you have helped us grow, how you showed us that God is here alive and active… I am so excited to get to Heaven, to be reunited with you! I cannot wait until I am able to learn the why's and understand everything… But for now I wait, solid in what answers I do have, grounded in my love for you, knowing that you sweet Tommy were here for a purpose… WE continue to love you just as if you were here~ for one of my greatest lessons learned has been, NOTHING absolutely nothing can break the bonds of love, that just because you are not "here" with us does not mean that our love stops growing rather it multiplies and grows stronger with each passing day…. We are so grateful for you, for your love and for God's grace…  

Although I have missed all those amazing moments that go along with watching a baby transform into a 1 yr old.. I try not to think about what I have "missed" while watching Tommy grow but rather focus on what we were able to give him…a feverish love, so so so many kisses, constant hugs, countless I love you's and hopefully enough love to last eternity…I do not feel sorry for myself, I don't ask 'why me?',  I do say what can I learn? where is the lesson? I am so blessed to have had each and every moment that I had with Tommy. Sometimes it is hard to believe that this is my path, our family's path… How could we endure such devastation and be so blessed?? What have we done to be given such grace from God?? See we believe that Tommy's passing is a blessing. Not because of the pain of losing a child, but rather how God came down swooped us up and wrapped us in his love…how God continues to bless us with His peace. I never understood in the bible when it says joy in suffering~ it seems so contradictory to the natural ways of this world. But then again, it was a beautiful lesson we have learned. Amidst our suffering, we were able to find the blessings tucked under each tear, blessings hidden in every breath taking moment of Tommy's departure from this world, the blessing to of EVERY morning we were given the ability to meet the day… blessings have become a way of life for us. It has kept us close to God, it has strengthened our faith and is healing our hearts. I am not trying to diminish the pain that walks alongside a parent who has lost a child, it is a brutal pain BUT it is a pain that (at least for us) was soothed by God's grace.  

Tommy…. We love you dearly, words cannot fully express our love for you… We miss you every moment of our lives… We are so thankful for your love, for your sweet spirit, for giving us 2 beautiful months with you….We look forward to the day we are reunited with you, completing what was halted that night you left this world~ joining again as a family… Again, we LOVE you… 

Happy 1st Birthday sweet Tommy….. 

This is a long journey, riddled with speed bumps and pot holes, has slippery when wet signs and winding roads, and wracked with pain as well as joy~  It is my journey, hard as it may be, I can only hold on to the hope and promises God has for me. He has taught me to be at peace in each and every circumstance that arrives in my life no matter how devastating they may be… We are NOT our circumstances, we are not defined by a tragedy or subject to our traumas…. I am bettered by my tragedies, strengthened by my circumstances and a warrior in Christ that overcomes my traumas…. 

Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. 

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trials, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him….. 

Love B

September 8th 2012

A year ago today, I was scheduled for an induction… The little baby inside was a week late and showed NO signs of wanting out. As I packed up for the hospital a year ago today, my mind raced with excitement on being able to meet and hold this sweet lil baby.. Today also marks the last day of my innocence or more so my naivete on birth, life and everything in-between. 

As we arrived at the hospital around 5pm I felt a calm as if God had just wash it over me. I checked in, the nurse taking my vitals, checking baby and explaining what the plan was… As she hooked up the monitors, she looked at the readout from the monitor~ she asked "did you feel that?" I said "ya, just a little bit" She informed me that I actually was in labor.. I was OVERJOYED!! I had such an easy and quick labor with Estella I envisioned a similar labor with this little baby. Things progressed nicely…until I hit a wall with the pain.. I asked for an epidural around 10pm and promptly received it (thank goodness!) the anesthesiologist and I joked about the fact once again the epidural only worked on my left side- as he exited he said (which I will NEVER forget) "at least you don't have to have a c-section" in reference to the fact that I could deal with only being numbed on one side.. With the beautiful epidural the downside is being bed bound~ it turned out to save our baby's life. I labored for a 30 mins or so, but it seemed that the sweet baby just didn't want out! It just didn't move down if ya know what I mean… Hooked up to all those monitors, bed bound I labored for no more than a hour, until a fleet of nurses came bursting in shouting "get on your side get on your side!"… It was the beginning of my loss of naivete.. The baby's heart rate had dropped dangerously low, not one time but 4.. At 3am September 9th we were rushed into the OR for an emergency c-section, oddly I wasn't nervous or scared again I was at such peace… I was at peace even when the anesthesiologist said I have a membrane between the left & right space where they admit the epidural & it doesn't allow it to numb both sides- he informed me that he was going to try something, if it doesn't work they would have to put me under general.. I feverishly prayed as he prodded me with what felt like a 2 x 4 and ahhhhh I was numbed on both sides!! After a few (long) minutes I hear him.. a quivering cry, that I AM HERE cry.. accompanied by a joyous "It's a boy!"~ a quick clean up and look over by the nurses and dr.'s, all swaddled up they brought him to me and that is when we fell in love. 

I have a abundance of emotions as tomorrow approaches. It will be Tommy's first birthday. I can't help but think of how a year ago today held such joy, anticipation and love for us. I remember being beyond overjoyed to have Estella meet her new little sibling, how excited she was to be a big sister.. I remember a feeling, a strong feeling of "finally" after 2 miscarriages I finally am able to have my sweet baby.  

Love B

July 20th 2012

It has been an overwhelming month…. it seems just as soon as I take one step forward I just as quickly take one step back…. Tonight though has been by far the MOST heart wrenching night in quite a while.

After spending the afternoon/evening with dear friends.. and as I was tucking Estella in bed… she softly says with a true sound of heartbreak ringing with every word… she says "mom, why does Gia get to keep Drew? why does she get to have her little brother? at this point she is crying, curled up in my arms, she was sobbing in my arms…there in the dark room and only a soft whisper as she continues to say "I don't understand mommy, why do other big sisters get to have their brothers? (again pleading with me) Why do other sisters get to have brothers… I miss Tommy, mommy I miss Tommy! I want him back… all the while my heart is breaking more than words can or could even describe….Estella continues to say  "Mom! Tommy is in Heaven and I want him to be here!!!"  If you can imagine, sitting there listening to you child plead with you for your other child who is in Heaven…….It is beyond soul breaking….  Estella finishes the 45 min conversation with "mommy, I wish Tommy wasn't special…. that way He could still be here and not in Heaven"

It rings through me like a wildly banging gong ringing in my head…. I get it. I too wish beyond wishes that Tommy could be here...

Love B

  

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord

plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future…… 

June 20th~ 223 Days

June 20th 2012

Sometimes I have to ask myself if it was all a dream. Being pregnant with Tommy, having him here….and losing him. It seems just as quickly he arrived, he had to leave. The tears and the pain let me know this was no dream. Sometimes I wonder why God allowed me to love Tommy with such fervor, I felt as though God lead me and my heart to such heights… only to allow me to dive into such depths. I know there is a purpose, a reason but it doesn't soothe an aching heart. I watched the video of Estella when she was on her way to come meet her new sibling…. In it she is on a hurried walk down the hospital hall, filled to the measure with excitement and chattering away.. it shows her entering the room running over to my bedside begging to see her new lil brother or sister~ Jack brings her over to the bassinet and she squeals and says "I knew IT! Its a baby brother!!!" we asked her if she could guess his name and she states with such assurance "Tommy!!!"… We had bought her a Kit doll, wrapped up all nice, we asked if she'd like to open her gift from Tommy and she replies with a stern "NO! I want to hold my lil Tommy"…. We lay him on her lap, she begins to sing to him….. I am immediately sickened. She too was brought to such heights only to have her dreams dashed as well~ I can nearly feel my heart crack a little more. 

I have so many questions for God. None of which is "why me"… I know that with Tommy's broken heart, he cracked open so many others… he brought love to so many people, he opened up so many hearts to kindness and love and thoughtfulness… those are some of the beautiful things I get to see…. I waiver back and forth on wanting to know the answers now and being able to wait until I enter the gates of Heaven…. 

Not many people have the faith I do. Not many understand how I can be faithful to a god who allow this tragedy in our lives. I feel like I can only go and live my life to show them that it isn't what happens or doesn't happen in life that makes my god a good and loving god… it is after, after the trial or storm in life that will show how good and amazing my god is. It is true he allowed this to happen in my life, but he also picked me up… holds me daily… breathes new life into me… and ultimately will guide me through these tough times…. 

Love B

June 19th 2012~ 222 Days....

June 19th 2012

Life never ceases to amaze me. I had to go to the dr because I have a bladder infection (yes yes tmi and no not pregnant) but it is the only accurate way to tell this story.. I went in this morning,  to the doctor… my obgyn.. I have not stepped foot there since my 6 wk check up and with Tommy in toe. Oh! I remember I was SO proud of him and it was somewhat of a lil success story especially because all of the wonderful nurses and doctors and even the receptionists had been thru 2 miscarriages with me, they were so so happy to see Tommy and I that last time… The contrast between that last time and this time couldn't be more different... This time walking into the building and through those doors took my breath away. It reminded me of my pregnancy with Tommy and of his absence. I saw the look of pain in some of their eyes while others looked as though they were just trying to keep it together, wanting to say something and reading me to see if it was ok to hug me, to ask how I am doing… for the most part there is the look of sheer sadness with regards to my circumstance.. I am ushered into the bathroom, I find myself praying begging God to not let me breakdown and to not let tears come leaping from my eyes, not because of pride or wanting to 'seem' ok, but rather to not freak out the herd of women in there with swollen bellies. I can't think of anything I'd like to hear less when pregnant is about a woman who had a healthy pregnancy and a seemingly healthy baby who after a little over 2mos suddenly passed away. It made me realize how badly I desired to be pregnant again, how scared I am and how every fiber of my being wants to have Tommy here with me. The raw acceptance of to life after you lose a child is a fickle one~ I wonder what the day will be like when thinking about Tommy won't be met with a internal physical wincing from him not being here and each and every memory of him, that my daily pain will be soothed a little and when the missing is turned to anticipation of seeing Tommy again… For now, I do life differently.. taking it moment by moment, day by day.. all the while allowing my heart to cry out for Tommy… knowing he is looking out for me and that I will someday see him again. Resting on the promise of God.  

Love B

May 21st~ 193 days...

WOW..... Six Months.

We have surpassed another one of my "milestones".. it has been a little over 6months since Tommy went back to Heaven. These last 6 months have been the trial of a lifetime. I am still fill to the brim with grief, but also filled with joy, love, laughter and a hope of a fearless mom.

Confessions Of A Grieving Mother.....

I have yet to meet a day with the inability to get out of bed, walk down the hallway past pictures of sweet Tommy and go about my day.... I think that is solely because of Gods grace.

I cry daily.

My heart is still broken, I know I will not ever be the same... rather like a broken bone the scar remains, the bone becomes stronger (like my hope, my faith, my love and me).

Sometimes I have to lie, when someone asks how I am doing sometimes I, for me, need to say 'good'.. sometimes I need a moment of normal in my day, I need someone to crack a joke or just hear about them and not talk about me.

I still do not have a reign on my emotions. Some days are harder to hold back tears... while other I can't and they come fiercely stinging out of my eyes... and then there are those days, when I can talk with ease with no choking sadness boiling just under the surface.

I love to hear Tommy's name.... I love to say his name...

I blow him a kiss good night... every night.

I still am not sure as to why God has allowed this in my life... but it must be for a BIG purpose-filled reason and for that I am eternally grateful for.

I need to write, journal every day or I am weighed down..

It has not torn Jack and I apart, but rather bound us together for a lifetime and I am ever amazed at Jacks love and strength.

I KNOW Tommy is in Heaven.... I KNOW he looks out for me, Elephants...

I now have the perspective and clarity as to my pregnancy, delivery and Tommy's life here. it is PERFECT if I was to remove one tiny key from any of the occurrences Tommy would have not been with us for the time he was gift to be here.

I dream about Tommy, as far as I can tell he is in a dream every night~ his age varies, his involvement varies but he is always there... I had a dream about a positive pregnancy test and Tommy was there telling me it would be ok and not to worry....

I still have very little memories of Tommy... I cannot picture him in my mind..

When asked how many children I have I say 2, a little girl who is 4yrs old and a sweet little boy who is in Heaven....

My love for Tommy has grown, just as though he were right here snuggling on me.

It does NOT make me sad to see other babies, if for some reason I well up it isn't because of Tommy it is because I know that it is a gift we are given, entrusted with by God to be mommy's... I am happy for that mom to have such a gift.

God heals when time cannot.

I have found a strength that I never could have imagined... a hope I never thought possible...

I want to have another baby.  Actually many more babies... and they will all know about their big brother Tommy.

I have not been debilitated by my grief... to that the list of thank you's is so very long so I will say dearest friends... thank you.. for calls, voicemails, emails, text msg... and even the drop in visits.. as well as for knowing I can't give a lot and you all accept that and still think about me, love me and pray for me..... I appreciate every one of those more than words can possibly express..

After all is said and done, I have found a peace unlike any other. To that I humbly thank God.

God Bless...

Love B

April 12th~ 154 days..... my heart still longs for you sweet Tommy

April 12th 2012

One Hundred and Fifty Four Days……. My breath completely taken away by that number. I pray that God scoops up each and every tear of mine… every time I hold my breath so I can take on the pain.. I hope He turns them into hugs and gives them to Tommy. I pray that He tells Tommy about me, allows Tommy to know how much we love him and how our love is not stunted or stopped just because we are separated.. As Estella and I were talking yesterday, that Tommy while in my tummy loved Estella so much, it is just like that now a barrier separates them, that Tommy is in heaven and loves Estella so very much.. When Estella came to meet Tommy at the hospital that very first time, she walked over to the bassinet peeked in and with a huge smile showed her love for him… I picked Tommy up placed him next to Estella and I on the bed~ Estella (out of the blue) began to sing to Tommy.. "Tommy I adore you and I lay my life before you… how I love you.. how I love you" (to the tune of jesus i adore you)~ Yes yes we did in fact get it on video.. She sang that to him MULTIPLE times a day.. every day. It was so very tender and sweet, it showed how pure love can be. I believe Tommy is now singing that to Estella.. multiple times a day….

"He delights in nothing more than our choice to believe Him over what we see and feel." 

"God exerts an incomparable power in the lives of those who continue believing Him. Nothing on earth compares to the strength God is willing to interject into lives caught in the act of believing."

So I am a reader and knowledge seeker by nature.. I have a vast amount of books on everything from christianity to psychology on marriage to child rearing on ballet to agatha christie not to mention encyclopedias, thesauruses, healthy and wellness, a crazy amount of grief books and roughly 8 bibles… Now Jack is not a "reader" it would be the last thing he would choose to do. In fact he thinks it is down right odd that I sit there while we watch a show and I am nose deep into a book or face lit by the ipad (oh the books!!)… I love to take a large net cast it out and see what I can acquire about a subject. Now if that means buying analytical concordances on one subject or another well… I will do it! 

I have not always been a strong christian, I have always known or resided in the fact that everything happens for a reason. Now I am not talking about this season of life… I am talking as far back as I can remember. I have countless journals dating back to when I was 10yrs old. There is a running theme.. now matter what happens I know I will be ok~ not just "ok" but really taken care of… not by my parents but something bigger… that everything that has ever happened is a part of my life story.. written before I was ever conceived. I eluded to the fact that I knew I would be ok, taken care of and everything would somehow turn out good. I have not had a easy life, there are childhood pains, adolescent hurts, growing pains in my twenties and well… now. Each and every experience has fortified my ability to handle life as I now know it.. but it doesn't end there, rather I feel as though it is just the beginning of my story. Almost as though all that has happened before was the prologue and chapter one is "The Moment Life Stood Still: when Tommy passed".  I feel a overwhelming amount of light filled force encouraging me to "get up and go, this is your time". It is as though I am egnighted. I feel like God is asking me to do things I formerly would be uncomfortable doing, it feels like every nook and cranny that previously was shadowed by darkness has been filled with light and I know myself more than ever before. I know why God had me go through things in life that were painful, it was all to mold my character, to give me strength that when the moment happened I could use it as fuel to His fire.. yes I am crediting God for my hard times.. as I have feverishly studied the bible He allows us hardships to grow us up so that we can glorify Him.. There is no greater contrast in life when someone overcomes what would be a crippling experience, season of life, accident or loss… I have now thanked God for those hard times.

I wonder where He will take me, what I will be called to do.. I know that what ever it is… It's going to be amazing, glorifying to Him and what He had planned for me all along. You can't get much more secure in life than that… I bow in reverence to Him. 

Love B

April 10th~ 152 days

April 10th 2012

In our bible study we are currently studying James. There are so many sweet verses, many about the trials we experience in life. I obviously cannot help but think about Tommy. To date losing him has been my (duh!) hardest trial~ living my life without my sweet son. Daily… moment by moment I miss him. In the book of James there is a lot of talk about finding joy in sorrow, now joy isn't "happiness" it is a soft contentment and appreciation of life… joy is what we find when amidst a trial when we find a moment… a second of peace and a surprise smile or laugh… I can say I have joy. At times I even posses a decent amount of happiness. I know that no matter what God allows me to endure in my life, it is always for good, always for his glory… there is no greater contrast in life when you see someone who should be (by human standards) curled up in bed, filled to the measure with grief and yet God gets to "show off" a little by giving that person joy, peace, strength and the ability to get up and out~ it is by these contrasts God gets to reap some of his biggest glories… I am appreciative that He has chosen me. I get a little nervous as to why, because I feel as though I do not deserve it~ the truth is I don't no body does… we all fall short of the glory of God. … but then again God graces whom he choses to and I am so very happy he chose me. 

I am ever thankful. Jesus…. thank you for giving me and others the amazing gift of eternal life with you and the ones who have gone before us…. some people say that it is a gift we get to "cash in on" when we are called home. I don't look at it like that~ see to me it is a gift for me daily, to think about and know I get to see Tommy again…

Love B

April 4th 2012~ 146

April 3rd 2012

This journey.. is hard. So many things that you uncover or maybe a better word discover about yourself that you were not privy to prior.. at some moments it is as though a thin veil has been lifted and you see yourself in all its clarity, as you have been this whole time~ you find strengths that you didn't know you possessed, weakness you've tried to hide and for me at least a contentment in life I could have never imagined. 

Like learning to walk on a tight rope suspended high in the air far about the steady comfort of gravity… life now is a balancing act. Some days my balance is off, every muscle tense bracing for a fall...some days my balance is the most precise it has ever been, moving with the grace of a beautiful ballerina. I have found I have to be conscious of how to spend time, allocating time for grief… for laughter… for resting… for living. I am ever amazed at how God has provided for me. 

Our little family has a love of the gentle giants known as Elephants… beginning with me finding a picture online and being "taken" by the painting… then asking Carl to paint a picture for Tommy's nursery of the night sky and a dozing elephant.. then Tommy passed. Carl feverishly worked at painting and framing the Elephant painting for Tommy's memorial service… bitter sweet~ a loss of no longer able to hang it in his room, for him to grow up looking at~ that sweet peaceful Elephant… to the painting becoming a major part of our blessings.. Tommy's balloon stationed next to it for days on end… then the balloon moving around our bedroom and then Tommy's nursery.. It has become a kind of peace in our home. A soft reminder of what my hopes were for Tommy, the future I had wanted for him…for us and how we are not always gifted our dreams but that we can still feel blessed. Last week while buying some summer clothes for Naples, I was checking out Jcrew's website… there I stumbled upon something that sent chills throughout my spirit… there laid a picture of a necklace, a lil gray elephant… alone on a gold chain.. I cried and immediately pressed "add to cart"… On Saturday, while we had my mom's birthday celebration… one of her friends had bought Estella a little gift, it was 4 knitted finger puppets, one of a little girl, one of a monkey with a baby monkey on its back, one of a lion and one of a elephant… yep elephant.. Estella cried out "hey mom its an elephant!!!" and Jack and I just stunned… Then while buying Estella some clothes for Naples yesterday, there it was a long sleeve tee-shirt of a pink elephant…. This morning… Estella and I were watching Shrek the Third~ in it is a song, a duet that is slow and rather beautiful.. I have loved it since I first heard it years ago (we watch shrek 3 all the time!). Today I finally went to go and see (iTunes) if I could find it. After repeated and failed attempts, I searched google and found it was called '9'… went back onto iTunes to download. Upon finding it, it brought me to the album with a list of songs. The song under it was called Elephant. Yep.. Elephant. I hung my head in disbelief, in humbled silence I gave thanks. These small, odd, amazing little signs bring me a peace that is immeasurable… as Jack says it is our insurance… I love that to me it is a sweet payment we are blessed to bring to the spiritual bank… to deposit. And on those hard and rainy days, to go back… to look… to feel… to know. That Tommy is in Heaven, we have sweet angels around us, we are held tight by God and our love continues to grow for our sweet baby boy...

I sit still.. very quiet. In complete reverence to God. To his plan. Ever thankful for his love, his angels, his son… and for my son.

Love B

March 22nd 2012~ 133 days

March 22nd 2012

I have many in my life whom do not have the same beliefs as I do.. Since Tommy's passing we have seen so many signs of God's grace…. one we shared with people, Tommy's Balloon.. but there have been so many others. One was so very powerful, it brought to light what I had in my mind. After Tommy's memorial service…. we received so many sweet and beautiful cards. It took a few days to open them as it was very hard to see other physical reminders of our sweet Tommy's departure from this life to his heavenly eternal life. Jack opened one that was in such a beautiful envelope, inside containing a card… this card above all others was particularly joyful, hopeful, beautiful and truly a gift from Jesus to us. It was a custom card, soft vanilla in color, a sheet of paper folded over… with a sketch of Jesus holding a baby… See the person whom sent the card had not met Tommy, hadn't seen how I held Tommy~ in his favorite position… I was completely dumbfounded as to the resemblance of this tiny baby that was held in Jesus's arms. It was Tommy. No no it wasn't grief that made it look like him…. here is the story…………

I wrote this to her~ 

Hello there! Hope all is well with you.. I just had to write and tell you about your parents card to Jack and I. I am not sure if you had seen it or not, but (obviously) your mom made it. The sketch of Jesus and a baby. I have hardly been able to look at it without crying. In the sketch Jesus is holding a baby the EXACT way I held Tommy.. in fact the baby has a soft open mouth as if it were sleeping... which is what Tommy used to do... The card hit me so hard because it is what I needed to see~ Tommy in Jesus' arms... It has brought me such comfort because it put a picture to what I know is true. 

This is her response~

I have tears running down my cheeks. I know exactly what you are talking about because I woke up oddly early the morning of the memorial service and my mom was sitting at her computer crying. I asked her what she was doing and she told me God woke her up during the night and told her to go to her computer. She said He told her exactly what to do and she just listened. He was obviously trying to send you a little squeeze. I'm picturing you snuggling your little love just like that now. Hugs!

As I said yesterday was a hard day… while at home, I passed our front door… I saw a package sitting there. It was wrapped in beautiful paper~ I read the card and it was a gift from my friend and her family… I opened it and there in a beautiful frame… it is the sketch of Jesus and that sweet baby.. Jesus and Tommy. I don't think it was any coincidence that she dropped it off yesterday, that I was having such a tough time… The hardest morning yet… Jesus had a special delivery for me… reminding me that even though I miss Tommy so very much…. that he is in the arms of Jesus… The picture brings peace, hope, a reminder, love and joy…. If I could bottle up God's love, I would. I'd give it to all… If anyone has ever had doubts about faith, I would say talk to Jack and I~ we have been given so many precious gifts since our sweet Tommy was conceived… yes conceived~ these gifts He has blessed us daily, even in the hardest of days He tugs at the heartstrings of others to bless us. 

Love B

March 21st 2012~ 132 days

March 21st 2012

I feel as though I have lived a lifetime in these few short months…. Today was to date one of the hardest yet. I sat in the sunroom and cried for a good portion of the morning. Sitting there, thinking of Tommy and missing him beyond words~ I have looked in the thesaurus to see if there was a word that encompasses how deep this pain is… the english language does not have one~ a combo of words but not one singular word. I ran across a word (not in the thesaurus) it is greek, perilupos… it means severely grieved, exceedingly sorrowful and overcome with sorrow so much so to cause one's death (well I know my pain will not kill me but sometimes whoa it feels like it :) ) 

We are just starting on this journey, knowing it truly will last a lifetime. My acceptance of Tommy not being here I have faced head on, I have not shied away from remembering that night nor the searing pain that has followed… and knowing there is so much more to endure, so many more moments to get through and what I can only imagine more heartbreak to come. In speaking to other bereaved parents of children of all ages, including some whom babies were born asleep, I have realized what we (all) have experienced is a vast amount of trauma. Trauma that is at times relentless, exhausting and challenging in every area of your life. There also seems to be a theme that others feel if it has been 3mos, 6mos or a year that we are ok because "time heals"~ trust me when I say "time" doesn't heal, it steals… it steals your heart because you think of that last time you were able to hold you precious little one, it steals your thoughts as memories begin to slowly recede, it steals the present because you aren't always "present" in the moment, and it steals the future because you look ahead about missing them for a lifetime…. I feel all those of varying degrees at any given moment. I trust God to give it all to Him, I rely on His healing not times, on His strength because my own is never going to be enough and His promises that all is done for good, thru trials He sifts out the bad keeping only the good~ and uses it to His glory….. I rest in His peace. 

When I have those moments of tenderness I stop and pray. I give thanks for Tommy, I spill out my deepest hurts on Him.. knowing with everything I cannot bear on my shoulders gently falls on His. There is a certain reverence I give God that previously I have not given Him… Although I am brokenhearted about Tommy not being here, he was a gift from God and I am ever grateful for that gift. 

Sweet Tommy, I miss you so very much, love you with every fiber of my being……… 

Love B

March 6th 2012~ 117 days...

March 6th 2012

The last two days have I have seemed to be a reprieve from the sea of sorrow…. As if God has lifted me out of the uncertain waters, most likely only for a brief period of time.. But none the less it has been such a enjoyable few days. I have felt as though my breath is no longer squelched by pain and the lightness in my spirit is beyond words. This moment of unexplainable and immeasurable peace is welcomed and at the same time I am beginning to be able to once again look at pictures of Tommy with the joy I felt looking upon him when he was in my arms. 

I heard a song that spoke of how that the last touch was so painful. Now although it was in reference to saying goodbye to someones boyfriend/girlfriend… it resinated with me… It shot me right back to that fate-filled night when Tommy left this trouble earth and joined in his heavenly home… That last time I held him, although his sweet and perfect spirit had gone.. Looking back my arms stretched out for my mother to place him in mine one last time.. the feeling of not wanting to hold him as he was and yet not wanting to let him go.. the feeling of how painful it was to hold this perfect son of mine who just a few hours ago laid so peacefully in my arms, his sweet soft eyes fixed on mine… I couldn't nor can I still tell you how painful it was knowing that the moment I let him out of my arms was the last time I would touch him…. Most moments from that night can take my breath away~ and not in the good way… But knowing with utter certainty that I would never hold my son on earth again is one of compete agony. An agony that I am slowly becoming "adjusted" to and pray about a lot.

I am so grateful for every moment in my life, good or bad. I know with a beautiful certainty that my life is bettered in so many ways because of this trial.. Every moment waiting in obedience to what God desires me to do… I miss you sweet Tommy, Love you with all of my heart, and blessed by your being my son.

Love B

March 1st, 2012~ 112 Days......

March 1st 2012

One Hundred and Twelve days…… 

I can hardly believe it.. 112 days. In 9days Tommy would have been 6 mos old… 6 months… I just am flabbergasted at how long it has been since I have seen sweet Tommy…since I have held and kiss his sweet face… I feel like it has been a lifetime with out him…and yet it has only been 112days. I can't remember/imagine my life with Tommy when he was here~ and yet I can't imagine my life without him, surviving without him.. I can't look into my future and see how I am going to be…. Sometimes I feel like I am in a holding pattern… unable to land… unable to take off to a different destination. I am comfortable with the idea moving forward.. having another baby… And yet I am weary.. weary of another heartbreak. I had 2 miscarriages before conceiving Tommy…. I put all my energy, hopes, dreams into him.. He was going to be my rainbow baby… the baby that bridges the loss to happiness of a new baby… a baby conceived after a loss (usually miscarriage)… Tommy turned out to be my blessing baby.. my angel baby.. my sweet perfect baby… He will be my baby that will never grow up or grow old, I won't worry about where he is if he missed curfew or wonder if he is happy… he will always remain in my heart and the BEST is Tommy will be the first to greet me when I arrive home in Heaven~ for that I am beyond excited with bated breath await that moment I get to hold hug and tell him I love him once again… 

Sweet Tommy… I miss you. Much Love, Mommy...

Love B

February 22nd~ 104 days.....

February 22nd

My heart hurts.. like a ache that won't go away... a heartbreak that will last for a lifetime. I sit and endure the pain, knowing that it is no longer a stranger in my life... it is something I am slowly "getting familiar" with. At first this missing, this pain, this unrelenting longing for Tommy was scary, unfamiliar and oddly I couldn't make sense of it~ not in the non accepting way just in the figuring out and almost reconciling everything that happened birth to death.  I believe that God has a beautiful plan for me... it is a plan that has bumps and potholes but also moments filled with joy, laughter, love... I realize I do not discriminate between the hard moments in life and the joyous ones. I found that both allow you to learn, allow you to grow, allow you to become the person you were intended to be... I miss Tommy with every fiber of my being, I long for him each and everyday... I have found that my love for him has not been halted by all this but rather it grows, just like how my love for Estella grows... Truly love has no boundaries... for that I am blessed.

Love B

February 17th~ 99 days...........

February 17th 2012

99 days... I miss you sweet boy.

Last few days have been very hard. I miss Tommy so very much. I long for him……….

No joke major breakdown in the carwash… like a crazy person, it was as if the door to the carwash shut, I was alone and could just let it out.. I feel awful saying it but if the gas station attendant saw me, he would have been scared… I don't know why I miss Tommy so intensely right now (well duh, I know why but it is stronger than before) it is down right soul shaking.. I feel like I have hit some sort of true acceptance, somewhere between picking up the shattered pieces and beginning to move forward~ truly move, not thru the motions but beginning to take those first steps into this new life. It isn't easier but just a different phase.. it is sad but somehow relieving… it is hard but easy… probably doesn't make a ton of sense.. but I feel like I am close to letting go of some of the pain, but it is hard because it feels like that last tie I have to Tommy.. I know things can change on a dime, you take 2 steps forward but then 4 back..  Someone asked what triggers me to miss Tommy… I said a simple "everything"… because who really wants to hear… ahh… I miss him with every breath. every heartbeat. the absence of his cry. looking back in my car and he isn't there. not having him in my arms. every blink of my eye. a song. but in short… just the absence of Tommy. It isn't something that is cured, especially not with time.. The pain ebbs and flows like a wave from a vast ocean, if you look you can see no land out before you…day in and day out the sorrow seems to come and go as it pleases… and I pray that some day my pain will be like the sun at sunset~you know.. out in the distance where the sun disappears into the water as if it was swallowed up whole. That is how I picture what God is slowly doing to my heartache… little by little, drawing it into himself… until… one day… it is gone… you can still tell the sun is there because you can see a little illumination… but the sun itself is gone. 

I cannot imagine doing it without God. With Him I can face the mornings, endure the days and fall in surrender to the night… 

Love B

February 10th~ 92 Days

February 10th 2012

Yesterday Tommy would have been 5mos. WOW 5mos. I truly cannot believe it. I don't even go there as to the "what if's, what would he look like etc…".. Rather I try and concentrate on how much I love him, how beautiful he is (yes is, as in current…) and I think about how blessed and honored I feel to have been gifted him from God. Today marks 3mos since Tommy went to Heaven. The last few days have been hard to say the least… As night approaches, as the day business has slowed down… and as the evening grows more and more silent with every minute, my heart aches for Tommy. It is in the silence of the night that a baby's cry should be present, ringing throughout the room like a alarm alerting you to the fact someone starving ;) .. It is that silence where my heart aches. It is hard to wrap your mind around how this beautiful baby who brought such joy has now gone to Heaven and now resides pain, heartache and a deep sense of longing. It is hard to not allow my earthly selfish wants for my sweet Tommy to be here, in my arms… As much as I want him here I am so happy he is in Heaven.. I slip into bed, lay my head down and begin to pray.. it isn't long before the tears arrive, almost as if God is opening my heart for a little mending, pressing on me to tell Him every thing.. For me to give Him my hurt, sadness, longing and every other thing I cannot rest on my shoulders. It is in these quiet moments that I know God is taking time for healing, for building me up and for reassurance that it is part of His plan and to continue to trust Him. 

We had dinner with wonderful friends on Thursday night…. Jane began to tell me about a woman she had known, she too lost a son. The woman wasn't doing well, she was battling cancer, she was faithful and wasn't afraid of passing, she knew where she was going and had a air of peace about it. She was excited to be able to be reunited with her son.. Jane said that this woman envisioned passing, arriving in Heaven and also who greeted her… It wasn't her son whom she envisioned, it was Mary (yep that mary!) and she envisioned Mary taking her hand and saying "lets go find our sons…"~ It immediately brought a beautiful comfort to me, I love the idea of arriving home, in Heaven, and Mary taking my hand and saying "brita, lets go find our sons.."…   

Estella talks about Tommy every day many many times throughout the day… She has wondered if Tommy had a great day in Heaven, wondered if God was changing his poopy diapers.. she has talked about how Tommy is in the arms of God and he is safe. She prays for him every night. Estella is wise beyond her mere 4yrs, she is quick to announce "mom… I miss Tommy." or "mom… when you going to have another baby?"… lately my sweet girl has had a heart for God. Now I am not talking about she just "knows" him, or she is just reciting stuff… she gets it. When reading a story to her before bed she could hardly contain herself and had to interrupt saying "MOM… did you know we drink from God's well!!!?" my response "yes" and again with a TON of excitement "Mom… did you know that we wont be thirsty anymore????" again I replied a little more shocked "yes…" and then (as if I didn't get the full picture of what she was sooo excited about) "MOM, do you know that we will never be thirsty again!!… to which I replied "yes you are right"… I later asked what she thought that meant… her response was this.. See Mom, God gives me what I need to be happy… when I need something.. like when I am thirsty at night and I ask for my jug (of water) and you get it for me with the ice cubes and it is perfect (ps it happens EVERY NIGHT)  that is what He does… I thought wow, nicely done. I was expecting her to say He gets me water when I am thirsty.. but she actually knew what she was speaking about. again she ceases to amaze me. She can be a lighthouse to a dark moment, her smile or her hug can take me from sadness to knowing it was as if God had just walked her over to me to give me a hug from Him. 

It probably sounds odd to some, my faith. But before I would say I "knew" God and now I would say I have SEEN God, His work and His grace. Not a day has gone by where i am ungrateful for my circumstance. Yes it sounds bizarre, but it is just that I am grateful for every moment, event, blessing and trial in my life. For these trials have shown me more about myself, God and what you can do if you choose Him. My heart has grown, I love deeper than before and seem to have abounding love that penetrates all whom I seem to come in contact with.. 

I thank each and every person who has been there for us, it is by your prayers, thoughts and love we have been blessed. 

Love B

February 2nd~ 84days

Follow Me one step at a time. That is all I require of you. In fact, that is the only way to move through this space/time world. You see huge mountains looming, and you start to wondering how you're going to scale those heights. Meanwhile, because you're not looking where you're going, you stumble on the easy path where I am leading you now. As I help you get back on your feet, you tell Me how worried you are about the cliffs up ahead. But you don't know what will happen today, much less tomorrow. Our path may take an abrupt turn, leading you away from those mountians. There may be an easier way up the mountains than visible from this distance. If I do lead you up the cliffs, I will equip you thoroughly for that strenuous climb. I will even give My angels charge over you, to preserve you in all your ways.
Keep you mind on the present journey, enjoying My presence, WALK BY FAITH not by sight, trusting Me to open up the way before you.............

February 1st~ 83 days

February 1st 2012

Tommy's last day here was a Thursday, November 10th 2011.. Unlike most mornings after Tommy's 4am feeding he just didn't want to go to sleep, he wasn't crying or fussy, he just wasn't going to sleep…. for some reason I asked Jack to go and rock Tommy to see if that may help. One of the only mornings in Tommy short life, Jack and he rocked… Jack cuddled him while rocking for over an hour, see it is so weird because it was the last time Jack held Tommy… It was one of the only mornings he had sat up and rocked him… enjoyed him. My morning started off with Tommy waking up at around 7:30am.. I nursed him, however he was not as interested in nursing as he was in staring at me and smiling. Sitting up I had him cradled in my hands and arms stretched out in front of me.. OH he was just so beautiful I kept thinking, I am so lucky he is such a sweet baby.. as usual I leaned my head into his, foreheads touching, noses touching too~ he would slowly closes his eyes as if peace had just washed over him, I could smell his sweet baby breath… Then I laid down and brought him to my tummy, he was sitting up facing me just smiling, I talked to him about how much I loved him, how beautiful he was… we spent quite some time just staring at one another that morning…. truly enjoying every moment. Little did I know that that would be the last morning I would wake up to my beautiful boy. I dropped Estella off at school, ran to target and then home.. Tommy and I sat in the sunroom nursing and rocking.. After picking up Estella at school, we took a roundabout way home, I remember looking in the mirror at Tommy, he was just amazing.. sitting quietly gazing out the window. That was the last time he was in his carseat.. After arriving home I made lunch for Estella and then she went to have quiet time in her room… Tommy and I settled in again in the sunroom, I spent the next 2.5hrs holding him, looking at him, telling him I loved him… I nursed him, he could hardly nurse he just was staring at me smiling and that is when he started to coo, I was talking to him and he just started to coo... like music to a mothers ears... He eventually fell asleep in my arms as he so often did. It was a peaceful time with him….. I could never had imagined the events that were to take place, that later that night we would have to return home without our sweet boy…..  

See Jack and I were both given a gift that last morning.. looking back we were given the gift of saying goodbye to our sweet baby boy. We were each given time with Tommy, quiet unrushed cherished time. Without knowing he would pass before the day was through, we cherished our time with him. I think of so many mornings I have rushed around, so many times I hadn't just taken in the moment.. I know God gave us that morning to have no regrets, no "i wishes", and just beautiful time with our Tommy. 

I have a heart of gratitude for all things in life now. I try and not walk through a day, not rush because really what is time~ if i am 5mins late who cares, I try to find a smile to give to a stranger, I try to look at people and see a person not someone who is driving slow or not flying down a aisle as fast I am…. I try and give my best to my friends, family and strangers. 

I miss Tommy everyday, every moment.. somedays I fight through the day… while others seem to allow me to move through them with ease.. Estella has been talking about Tommy quite a bit lately. There is not a day that goes by that she doesn't talk about him… Sick and sniffly nosed she tells me about how EXCITED she is to get to Heaven, that when she gets there she is going to hold Tommy and tell him she loves him.. That she is going to feed him and play with him and tell him how much she has missed him… She told me, that she would like to go to Heaven first (PLEASE NO!) because she just can't wait. Bless her sweet heart. She also has been praying for me to have another baby in my belly, that it would be ok if it were a boy or a girl "but i kinda want a girl God" she says… We also do a kiss at night, she kisses her fingers and blows a kiss to Heaven for Tommy. I am so happy that Estella loves someone so much that she cannot see and has not seen for 83days….. She truly has the SWEETEST spirit. 

Love B

January 27th~ 78 Days

January 27th 2012

This last week has been met with challenges.. Today finally feeling like I have a renewed sense of spirit. I miss Tommy more and more every day :).. I walk past Tommy's pictures and my heart just drops to the floor with such force it honestly can take my breath away. I am just so sad he is gone...

A few days ago, Jack and I were talking and he was struggling a bit with missing Tommy... grief is so unpredictable, it ebbs and flows so viciously.. We talked about how I have (obviously) a different daily dealing with Tommy and his passing.. I have moms and teachers asking about How I am doing, How are we coping, sometimes met with tears and other times I cry.. I am constantly talking about Tommy, how I miss him. I have opportunities to respond to people when asked how many kids to you have? I say 2, a 4yrs old daughter Estella and a 2mos old son Tommy who is in Heaven.. (thank you heather lange!).. Jack mentioned that he doesn't have those moments of talking to people about Tommy, work is work~ it made me sad because we BOTH love to talk about Tommy, we love to hear his name! we love to tell people about how we miss Tommy but are so happy he is in Heaven. I wish I could take Jacks pain away....

Today my devotional was this....

Trust is a golden pathway to Heaven... When you walk on this path you live above your circumstances. My glorious light shines more brightly on those who follow this path of life. Dare to walk on the high road with me, for it is the most direct route to heaven. The low road is circuitous: twisting and turning in agonizing knots. There the air hangs heavy, and dark, ominous clouds predominate. Relying on your own understanding will weigh you down. Trust in me absolutely and I will make your path straight....

It is perfect. That is what I hang my heart on daily... So today, I will pray for everyone, no not just friends and family.. but everyone, that they could also have peace amidst storm (however big or small the storm is)... Since Tommy, no not since passing but since he blessed us with his sweet face at birth, my heart has grown by leaps and bounds. Truly my capacity to love has just increased.. That is my blessing I choose to look at today...

Love B

January 19th~ 70 Days

January 19th 2012

70 Days… wow. The last few days have been incredibly difficult. Thanksgiving, Christmas and NYE all put together were less difficult than these last few days.. We have surpassed my "mental milestone" (i have only one.. this one) of Tommy being gone longer than he was here. It is heart wrenching. Simply sad. There are no words in the english language that accurately describe how much I miss Tommy, that feeling of missing him, and how badly I just wish for things to be different…I long for the day when I am able to hold him again… I feel like I am wrestling with the fact of knowing he is truly in a better place and wanting him here… The sadness doesn't consume me, thank God, but it is nonetheless very hard, it weighs on me like a lead jacket… I am having to fight the horrific memories of Tommy's passing.. I no longer ask "why" but what am I suppose to take from this/ what is the purpose God has for me through this…. I know this is God's plan, I trust His plan. I know I will get to see Tommy again… 

There are people in my life who don't understand, why would they~ if I hadn't lost Tommy I wouldn't understand.. Missing someone for the rest of your life, living with a hole in your heart and having to relearn how to live again~~ it is hard and going to take time (a lot of time).. I feel like I need to say that when I don't return a call, text msg, or email it isn't because I am ignoring you, it is because I need quiet time, time to regroup, time to sit with estella and just hang… it takes a LOT of energy to have a conversation sometimes, to get ready and go out… I am sorry, I don't know when that is going to change… I ask only one thing, please be patient.. :)

There is something that happens with time, it continues on.. no matter how much we want to rewind, pause, stop or fast forward… it continues to move forward at a pace all its own. Time also does not make things easier, or at least for me. It shows me the space between the last day I spent with Tommy to today. It shows me that time cannot heal (only God can). It shows me that as it continues on, I must as well.. In my daily devotional I read something that has helped me a little….

'Come to Me and rest in My loving Presence… You know that this day will bring difficulties and you are trying to think your way through those trials… As you anticipate what is ahead of you, you forget that I am with you…now and always. Rehearsing you troubles results in experiencing them many times, whereas you are meant to go through them ONLY when they actually occur. Do not multiply your suffering in this way! Instead come to Me and relax in My Peace. I will strengthen you and prepare you for this day, transforming your fear into confident trust…'

~ see I think that we are only supposed to experience things ONCE…. Reliving events (esp horrific ones) only brings more and more trauma. Replaying events truly makes you emotionally go through the entire experience all over again. I can't believe that going over and over such things are healthy or a healthy way of dealing with tragic events. 

As life unfolds, as time goes on, as my perspective becomes a little more acute… I realize that I am apart of a story, God's story.. I feel privileged to have this "role" and even more privileged that Tommy has (in my life) taken a "starring role".. I cannot count how many times I hear "Tommy's short life here has changed My life" from friends, family and strangers. I feel privileged that God entrusted little Tommy with me, knowing I would Praise Him through this..  

I pour out my complaint before Him, before Him I tell my troubles. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is You who know my way…..

Love B

January 10th~ 61 Days... in the writing mood.

January 10th 2012

I sit in the dimly lit living room.. crying quietly.. the sweet scent of white peach and bergamot fill the air. I quietly think "(deep sigh) I miss Tommy. God? Do you hear me? I miss my son. God, I know you know my pain.. I know you know how hard this is… Please please please answer me… God I know you know my pain, you once lost your son… You willing gave him to us, to change our world to bring us blessings for our salvation and also to suffer… God You know I need you. I know I need You. Help. Please help… For it is Your embrace I long for.. It is for Your Comfort… Your Peace. I don't need to know "why" but I pray You grant me patience and strength until You reveal it to me." ……  I feel like You keep imprinting on my heart "For I know the plans I have for you my dear Brita… they are plans to prosper you, strengthen you, bless you… It may not seem like it now, but I have something beautiful in store for you sweet daughter. Be patient… Trust ME.. 

Many people may think by surrendering to God, I am taking the "easy" way… as if casting all of my hurt all of my pain all of my heartache on the only one who can help is easy.. Nope no part of this is easy. No missing your baby is easy…No moment of silence when all you want is to hear your baby cry for you is easy.. Or slowly gathering all the tiny pieces of my shattered life is easy.. No becoming comfortable with the "new" me the "new" life is easy. Many days it is exhausting. But I think I smile, authentically smile more and more each day. 

I as though I have surfaced from being submerged underwater, God breathed new life into me…. I am weak from my struggle, my pain and my body my mind my spirit and slowly my heart are being revived.. little by little I am learning how to do all that was previously done with effortless ease. 

My one of my prayers is that we get blessed with another child (well actually a few more).. Oddly I have little fear about having another child, all be it I am not pregnant so that may change.. I can't wait to fill my arms with another baby. I waited nearly 2yrs for Tommy… Nothing can replace my "perfect baby" my Tommy or the spot that was left when he went to Heaven… but (as many say) it will fill my arms. 

Pray Continuously Trust Feverishly and Love Endlessly

Love B

January 10th~ 61 Days

January 10th 2012

61 days.. Today Estella accompanied me to BSF (bible study fellowship) for the first time~ they have a great kids program… After BSF we went to Target, I am a BIG fan to talking to my kids while shopping (at any age~ from babies to well so far 4yr olds).. Very rarely do parents get the opportunity to have a great dialog with little kids.. by that I mean Estella sits in the cart, I talk about what we need to get, then I get to ask questions, listen, laugh and enjoy her.. it is amazing being at nearly eye level with your child.. As we walk up and down the aisles we begin to weave a conversation.. I am ever amazed at how she begins to open up, talking about any and everything on her little mind! Today she just blurted out "mom, I told the kids at bible study about Tommy." I asked how she felt about it, if the kids had any questions… she then began to talk about how she missed Tommy and how "cool" it is that he is in Heaven. It reminded me of how I explained to Estella how Tommy is in Heaven and his little body is here….

Estella's favorite thing to eat are black olives.. go figure any olive will do, but black is her fav!

The Olive.

We were preparing to bury Tommy.. Estella asked "If Tommy is in Heaven, why is he (his body) still here?"~ clear out of the blue (aka God's divine words put into my mouth so I didn't mess it up) I said "Well… Tommy's spirit is in Heaven and his body remains here" with a quasi puzzled look on her face… I said you know we are like olives.. you know how some olives have pits? like those deep purple ones and some of the green ones.. well our bodies are like olives, when we are here alive on earth we have a body and a soul~ now our body is the yummy part of the olive the part you eat and our soul is the pit! Now when we die, God removes the pit from our olive and takes it to Heaven and our body stays here.. like the black olives the pit is removed and all that remains is the yummy eatable part of the olive.. 

She took to that idea like a fish to water! She still talks about how she is a FULL olive, pit and all.. Estella fully understands that Tommy isn't coming back, that he died and is in Heaven… I read in a grief pamphlet about children grief that most 3-5yr olds think that the brother/sister will come back, that it isn't a permeant thing, that it is just an absence. I thank God Estella understands, understands Tommy will not return, BUT that she will get to see him in Heaven.. Often when she talks to me about her idea of Heaven, about Tommy there is an air of excitement~ I love that. I love the fact she is so carefree with her love for Tommy that it transcends "location"… 

My Blessing for today~ Estella's love for her brother, for Tommy. For her sweet little spirit!

Love B

January 7th~ 58 days

January 7th 2012

I am shocked that it has been so long since I held Tommy. I have thought about how sweet he would be.. how beautiful he would be… how his love for Estella would have grown, how her love for him would have as well. She talks about him.. It makes me soooo happy! I love to hear her sweet voice say his name~ it is beautiful. 

I sometimes wonder what Tommy's passing did to her sweet little heart, I am jolted back to that next morning when Estella walked into our house, "where is Tommy?!" and again "where is Tommy?" and again and again… each time her little voice becoming more and more concerned. I brought her back into our bedroom, Jack sitting on the bed..  I kneeled on the ground while she sat on the edge of our bed…I had to speak those words to my dearest daughter… honey, listen… Tommy isn't here… Tommy is gone, he went to Heaven. God needed his little angel back home.. home in Heaven.. I am so sorry sweetheart.. if there was any one thing I could do to bring him back I would.. I can't. He is gone, (then realizing I needed to say those words aloud) Tommy died hunny… He isn't here on earth anymore… Tommy is in Heaven. Do you understand what I am telling you? Do you have any questions??  Her reaction was beyond heart breaking.. sitting there on our bed, she moved away from me.. away from jack.. and asked to be alone.  Seeing the pain in her eyes. Hearing the sound of hurt in her voice.. I just kept thinking am I really telling my daughter she just lost her little baby brother? God really?? How strong do you think I am God? Well He was pretty sure I could do this, I am doing this! I wake up every day with a longing heart, for Tommy to be in my arms.. I am quick to pray, quick to get out of bed, quick to be thankful for every moment.. and then it happens I move on with my day… knowing with every step, every breath, every beat of my heart is on God's time.. so I better have a grateful heart.. for that next beat next breath is NOT promised to us.. it is by grace that we are given each day each moment each person each and every thing! 

It is amazing in times like this times in which we are not meant to understand… the resilience the strength the peace and the love.. all become like a lighthouse to your soul.. allowing you to find your way, allowing you to be comforted. Even in the darkness, even in the questions, even when the hardest times of life are at hand… even in the heartbreak I trust God. 

Love B

January 4th~ 55 Days...

Jaunary 4th 2012

2012. Good bye 2011, thank you for your blessings and for your heartbreak. For 2011 I say………….

We have been hand picked by God…. Chosen..

Been given a gift. We received a beautiful baby boy, to love him, to enjoy him and eventually to lose him…

He knew we would love Tommy enough for a lifetime. He knew our patience in being able to wait until we are able to reunite with him in Heaven…

God knew we wouldn't be held back by anger or sadness…

But would become like warriors…  forging though the heartache and becoming the people He had intended us to be this whole time…

He knew we would look at Tommy's short life as a blessing and honor it as such….

All the while giving thanks and praise to Him.. Trusting Him and His plan for us....

What beautiful examples He would mold us to be and what a beautiful life He has paved for us…

We do not know what the future holds but I can only imagine if God can trust us enough to love Him through the pain of our loss…. He will bless us in many ways……………

Love B