February 1st~ 83 days

February 1st 2012

Tommy's last day here was a Thursday, November 10th 2011.. Unlike most mornings after Tommy's 4am feeding he just didn't want to go to sleep, he wasn't crying or fussy, he just wasn't going to sleep…. for some reason I asked Jack to go and rock Tommy to see if that may help. One of the only mornings in Tommy short life, Jack and he rocked… Jack cuddled him while rocking for over an hour, see it is so weird because it was the last time Jack held Tommy… It was one of the only mornings he had sat up and rocked him… enjoyed him. My morning started off with Tommy waking up at around 7:30am.. I nursed him, however he was not as interested in nursing as he was in staring at me and smiling. Sitting up I had him cradled in my hands and arms stretched out in front of me.. OH he was just so beautiful I kept thinking, I am so lucky he is such a sweet baby.. as usual I leaned my head into his, foreheads touching, noses touching too~ he would slowly closes his eyes as if peace had just washed over him, I could smell his sweet baby breath… Then I laid down and brought him to my tummy, he was sitting up facing me just smiling, I talked to him about how much I loved him, how beautiful he was… we spent quite some time just staring at one another that morning…. truly enjoying every moment. Little did I know that that would be the last morning I would wake up to my beautiful boy. I dropped Estella off at school, ran to target and then home.. Tommy and I sat in the sunroom nursing and rocking.. After picking up Estella at school, we took a roundabout way home, I remember looking in the mirror at Tommy, he was just amazing.. sitting quietly gazing out the window. That was the last time he was in his carseat.. After arriving home I made lunch for Estella and then she went to have quiet time in her room… Tommy and I settled in again in the sunroom, I spent the next 2.5hrs holding him, looking at him, telling him I loved him… I nursed him, he could hardly nurse he just was staring at me smiling and that is when he started to coo, I was talking to him and he just started to coo... like music to a mothers ears... He eventually fell asleep in my arms as he so often did. It was a peaceful time with him….. I could never had imagined the events that were to take place, that later that night we would have to return home without our sweet boy…..  

See Jack and I were both given a gift that last morning.. looking back we were given the gift of saying goodbye to our sweet baby boy. We were each given time with Tommy, quiet unrushed cherished time. Without knowing he would pass before the day was through, we cherished our time with him. I think of so many mornings I have rushed around, so many times I hadn't just taken in the moment.. I know God gave us that morning to have no regrets, no "i wishes", and just beautiful time with our Tommy. 

I have a heart of gratitude for all things in life now. I try and not walk through a day, not rush because really what is time~ if i am 5mins late who cares, I try to find a smile to give to a stranger, I try to look at people and see a person not someone who is driving slow or not flying down a aisle as fast I am…. I try and give my best to my friends, family and strangers. 

I miss Tommy everyday, every moment.. somedays I fight through the day… while others seem to allow me to move through them with ease.. Estella has been talking about Tommy quite a bit lately. There is not a day that goes by that she doesn't talk about him… Sick and sniffly nosed she tells me about how EXCITED she is to get to Heaven, that when she gets there she is going to hold Tommy and tell him she loves him.. That she is going to feed him and play with him and tell him how much she has missed him… She told me, that she would like to go to Heaven first (PLEASE NO!) because she just can't wait. Bless her sweet heart. She also has been praying for me to have another baby in my belly, that it would be ok if it were a boy or a girl "but i kinda want a girl God" she says… We also do a kiss at night, she kisses her fingers and blows a kiss to Heaven for Tommy. I am so happy that Estella loves someone so much that she cannot see and has not seen for 83days….. She truly has the SWEETEST spirit. 

Love B