January 19th~ 70 Days

January 19th 2012

70 Days… wow. The last few days have been incredibly difficult. Thanksgiving, Christmas and NYE all put together were less difficult than these last few days.. We have surpassed my "mental milestone" (i have only one.. this one) of Tommy being gone longer than he was here. It is heart wrenching. Simply sad. There are no words in the english language that accurately describe how much I miss Tommy, that feeling of missing him, and how badly I just wish for things to be different…I long for the day when I am able to hold him again… I feel like I am wrestling with the fact of knowing he is truly in a better place and wanting him here… The sadness doesn't consume me, thank God, but it is nonetheless very hard, it weighs on me like a lead jacket… I am having to fight the horrific memories of Tommy's passing.. I no longer ask "why" but what am I suppose to take from this/ what is the purpose God has for me through this…. I know this is God's plan, I trust His plan. I know I will get to see Tommy again… 

There are people in my life who don't understand, why would they~ if I hadn't lost Tommy I wouldn't understand.. Missing someone for the rest of your life, living with a hole in your heart and having to relearn how to live again~~ it is hard and going to take time (a lot of time).. I feel like I need to say that when I don't return a call, text msg, or email it isn't because I am ignoring you, it is because I need quiet time, time to regroup, time to sit with estella and just hang… it takes a LOT of energy to have a conversation sometimes, to get ready and go out… I am sorry, I don't know when that is going to change… I ask only one thing, please be patient.. :)

There is something that happens with time, it continues on.. no matter how much we want to rewind, pause, stop or fast forward… it continues to move forward at a pace all its own. Time also does not make things easier, or at least for me. It shows me the space between the last day I spent with Tommy to today. It shows me that time cannot heal (only God can). It shows me that as it continues on, I must as well.. In my daily devotional I read something that has helped me a little….

'Come to Me and rest in My loving Presence… You know that this day will bring difficulties and you are trying to think your way through those trials… As you anticipate what is ahead of you, you forget that I am with you…now and always. Rehearsing you troubles results in experiencing them many times, whereas you are meant to go through them ONLY when they actually occur. Do not multiply your suffering in this way! Instead come to Me and relax in My Peace. I will strengthen you and prepare you for this day, transforming your fear into confident trust…'

~ see I think that we are only supposed to experience things ONCE…. Reliving events (esp horrific ones) only brings more and more trauma. Replaying events truly makes you emotionally go through the entire experience all over again. I can't believe that going over and over such things are healthy or a healthy way of dealing with tragic events. 

As life unfolds, as time goes on, as my perspective becomes a little more acute… I realize that I am apart of a story, God's story.. I feel privileged to have this "role" and even more privileged that Tommy has (in my life) taken a "starring role".. I cannot count how many times I hear "Tommy's short life here has changed My life" from friends, family and strangers. I feel privileged that God entrusted little Tommy with me, knowing I would Praise Him through this..  

I pour out my complaint before Him, before Him I tell my troubles. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is You who know my way…..

Love B