April 3rd 2012
This journey.. is hard. So many things that you uncover or maybe a better word discover about yourself that you were not privy to prior.. at some moments it is as though a thin veil has been lifted and you see yourself in all its clarity, as you have been this whole time~ you find strengths that you didn't know you possessed, weakness you've tried to hide and for me at least a contentment in life I could have never imagined.
Like learning to walk on a tight rope suspended high in the air far about the steady comfort of gravity… life now is a balancing act. Some days my balance is off, every muscle tense bracing for a fall...some days my balance is the most precise it has ever been, moving with the grace of a beautiful ballerina. I have found I have to be conscious of how to spend time, allocating time for grief… for laughter… for resting… for living. I am ever amazed at how God has provided for me.
Our little family has a love of the gentle giants known as Elephants… beginning with me finding a picture online and being "taken" by the painting… then asking Carl to paint a picture for Tommy's nursery of the night sky and a dozing elephant.. then Tommy passed. Carl feverishly worked at painting and framing the Elephant painting for Tommy's memorial service… bitter sweet~ a loss of no longer able to hang it in his room, for him to grow up looking at~ that sweet peaceful Elephant… to the painting becoming a major part of our blessings.. Tommy's balloon stationed next to it for days on end… then the balloon moving around our bedroom and then Tommy's nursery.. It has become a kind of peace in our home. A soft reminder of what my hopes were for Tommy, the future I had wanted for him…for us and how we are not always gifted our dreams but that we can still feel blessed. Last week while buying some summer clothes for Naples, I was checking out Jcrew's website… there I stumbled upon something that sent chills throughout my spirit… there laid a picture of a necklace, a lil gray elephant… alone on a gold chain.. I cried and immediately pressed "add to cart"… On Saturday, while we had my mom's birthday celebration… one of her friends had bought Estella a little gift, it was 4 knitted finger puppets, one of a little girl, one of a monkey with a baby monkey on its back, one of a lion and one of a elephant… yep elephant.. Estella cried out "hey mom its an elephant!!!" and Jack and I just stunned… Then while buying Estella some clothes for Naples yesterday, there it was a long sleeve tee-shirt of a pink elephant…. This morning… Estella and I were watching Shrek the Third~ in it is a song, a duet that is slow and rather beautiful.. I have loved it since I first heard it years ago (we watch shrek 3 all the time!). Today I finally went to go and see (iTunes) if I could find it. After repeated and failed attempts, I searched google and found it was called '9'… went back onto iTunes to download. Upon finding it, it brought me to the album with a list of songs. The song under it was called Elephant. Yep.. Elephant. I hung my head in disbelief, in humbled silence I gave thanks. These small, odd, amazing little signs bring me a peace that is immeasurable… as Jack says it is our insurance… I love that to me it is a sweet payment we are blessed to bring to the spiritual bank… to deposit. And on those hard and rainy days, to go back… to look… to feel… to know. That Tommy is in Heaven, we have sweet angels around us, we are held tight by God and our love continues to grow for our sweet baby boy...
I sit still.. very quiet. In complete reverence to God. To his plan. Ever thankful for his love, his angels, his son… and for my son.
Love B
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