January 10th~ 61 Days... in the writing mood.

January 10th 2012

I sit in the dimly lit living room.. crying quietly.. the sweet scent of white peach and bergamot fill the air. I quietly think "(deep sigh) I miss Tommy. God? Do you hear me? I miss my son. God, I know you know my pain.. I know you know how hard this is… Please please please answer me… God I know you know my pain, you once lost your son… You willing gave him to us, to change our world to bring us blessings for our salvation and also to suffer… God You know I need you. I know I need You. Help. Please help… For it is Your embrace I long for.. It is for Your Comfort… Your Peace. I don't need to know "why" but I pray You grant me patience and strength until You reveal it to me." ……  I feel like You keep imprinting on my heart "For I know the plans I have for you my dear Brita… they are plans to prosper you, strengthen you, bless you… It may not seem like it now, but I have something beautiful in store for you sweet daughter. Be patient… Trust ME.. 

Many people may think by surrendering to God, I am taking the "easy" way… as if casting all of my hurt all of my pain all of my heartache on the only one who can help is easy.. Nope no part of this is easy. No missing your baby is easy…No moment of silence when all you want is to hear your baby cry for you is easy.. Or slowly gathering all the tiny pieces of my shattered life is easy.. No becoming comfortable with the "new" me the "new" life is easy. Many days it is exhausting. But I think I smile, authentically smile more and more each day. 

I as though I have surfaced from being submerged underwater, God breathed new life into me…. I am weak from my struggle, my pain and my body my mind my spirit and slowly my heart are being revived.. little by little I am learning how to do all that was previously done with effortless ease. 

My one of my prayers is that we get blessed with another child (well actually a few more).. Oddly I have little fear about having another child, all be it I am not pregnant so that may change.. I can't wait to fill my arms with another baby. I waited nearly 2yrs for Tommy… Nothing can replace my "perfect baby" my Tommy or the spot that was left when he went to Heaven… but (as many say) it will fill my arms. 

Pray Continuously Trust Feverishly and Love Endlessly

Love B