February 10th~ 92 Days

February 10th 2012

Yesterday Tommy would have been 5mos. WOW 5mos. I truly cannot believe it. I don't even go there as to the "what if's, what would he look like etc…".. Rather I try and concentrate on how much I love him, how beautiful he is (yes is, as in current…) and I think about how blessed and honored I feel to have been gifted him from God. Today marks 3mos since Tommy went to Heaven. The last few days have been hard to say the least… As night approaches, as the day business has slowed down… and as the evening grows more and more silent with every minute, my heart aches for Tommy. It is in the silence of the night that a baby's cry should be present, ringing throughout the room like a alarm alerting you to the fact someone starving ;) .. It is that silence where my heart aches. It is hard to wrap your mind around how this beautiful baby who brought such joy has now gone to Heaven and now resides pain, heartache and a deep sense of longing. It is hard to not allow my earthly selfish wants for my sweet Tommy to be here, in my arms… As much as I want him here I am so happy he is in Heaven.. I slip into bed, lay my head down and begin to pray.. it isn't long before the tears arrive, almost as if God is opening my heart for a little mending, pressing on me to tell Him every thing.. For me to give Him my hurt, sadness, longing and every other thing I cannot rest on my shoulders. It is in these quiet moments that I know God is taking time for healing, for building me up and for reassurance that it is part of His plan and to continue to trust Him. 

We had dinner with wonderful friends on Thursday night…. Jane began to tell me about a woman she had known, she too lost a son. The woman wasn't doing well, she was battling cancer, she was faithful and wasn't afraid of passing, she knew where she was going and had a air of peace about it. She was excited to be able to be reunited with her son.. Jane said that this woman envisioned passing, arriving in Heaven and also who greeted her… It wasn't her son whom she envisioned, it was Mary (yep that mary!) and she envisioned Mary taking her hand and saying "lets go find our sons…"~ It immediately brought a beautiful comfort to me, I love the idea of arriving home, in Heaven, and Mary taking my hand and saying "brita, lets go find our sons.."…   

Estella talks about Tommy every day many many times throughout the day… She has wondered if Tommy had a great day in Heaven, wondered if God was changing his poopy diapers.. she has talked about how Tommy is in the arms of God and he is safe. She prays for him every night. Estella is wise beyond her mere 4yrs, she is quick to announce "mom… I miss Tommy." or "mom… when you going to have another baby?"… lately my sweet girl has had a heart for God. Now I am not talking about she just "knows" him, or she is just reciting stuff… she gets it. When reading a story to her before bed she could hardly contain herself and had to interrupt saying "MOM… did you know we drink from God's well!!!?" my response "yes" and again with a TON of excitement "Mom… did you know that we wont be thirsty anymore????" again I replied a little more shocked "yes…" and then (as if I didn't get the full picture of what she was sooo excited about) "MOM, do you know that we will never be thirsty again!!… to which I replied "yes you are right"… I later asked what she thought that meant… her response was this.. See Mom, God gives me what I need to be happy… when I need something.. like when I am thirsty at night and I ask for my jug (of water) and you get it for me with the ice cubes and it is perfect (ps it happens EVERY NIGHT)  that is what He does… I thought wow, nicely done. I was expecting her to say He gets me water when I am thirsty.. but she actually knew what she was speaking about. again she ceases to amaze me. She can be a lighthouse to a dark moment, her smile or her hug can take me from sadness to knowing it was as if God had just walked her over to me to give me a hug from Him. 

It probably sounds odd to some, my faith. But before I would say I "knew" God and now I would say I have SEEN God, His work and His grace. Not a day has gone by where i am ungrateful for my circumstance. Yes it sounds bizarre, but it is just that I am grateful for every moment, event, blessing and trial in my life. For these trials have shown me more about myself, God and what you can do if you choose Him. My heart has grown, I love deeper than before and seem to have abounding love that penetrates all whom I seem to come in contact with.. 

I thank each and every person who has been there for us, it is by your prayers, thoughts and love we have been blessed. 

Love B