March 21st 2012~ 132 days

March 21st 2012

I feel as though I have lived a lifetime in these few short months…. Today was to date one of the hardest yet. I sat in the sunroom and cried for a good portion of the morning. Sitting there, thinking of Tommy and missing him beyond words~ I have looked in the thesaurus to see if there was a word that encompasses how deep this pain is… the english language does not have one~ a combo of words but not one singular word. I ran across a word (not in the thesaurus) it is greek, perilupos… it means severely grieved, exceedingly sorrowful and overcome with sorrow so much so to cause one's death (well I know my pain will not kill me but sometimes whoa it feels like it :) ) 

We are just starting on this journey, knowing it truly will last a lifetime. My acceptance of Tommy not being here I have faced head on, I have not shied away from remembering that night nor the searing pain that has followed… and knowing there is so much more to endure, so many more moments to get through and what I can only imagine more heartbreak to come. In speaking to other bereaved parents of children of all ages, including some whom babies were born asleep, I have realized what we (all) have experienced is a vast amount of trauma. Trauma that is at times relentless, exhausting and challenging in every area of your life. There also seems to be a theme that others feel if it has been 3mos, 6mos or a year that we are ok because "time heals"~ trust me when I say "time" doesn't heal, it steals… it steals your heart because you think of that last time you were able to hold you precious little one, it steals your thoughts as memories begin to slowly recede, it steals the present because you aren't always "present" in the moment, and it steals the future because you look ahead about missing them for a lifetime…. I feel all those of varying degrees at any given moment. I trust God to give it all to Him, I rely on His healing not times, on His strength because my own is never going to be enough and His promises that all is done for good, thru trials He sifts out the bad keeping only the good~ and uses it to His glory….. I rest in His peace. 

When I have those moments of tenderness I stop and pray. I give thanks for Tommy, I spill out my deepest hurts on Him.. knowing with everything I cannot bear on my shoulders gently falls on His. There is a certain reverence I give God that previously I have not given Him… Although I am brokenhearted about Tommy not being here, he was a gift from God and I am ever grateful for that gift. 

Sweet Tommy, I miss you so very much, love you with every fiber of my being……… 

Love B