March 6th 2012
The last two days have I have seemed to be a reprieve from the sea of sorrow…. As if God has lifted me out of the uncertain waters, most likely only for a brief period of time.. But none the less it has been such a enjoyable few days. I have felt as though my breath is no longer squelched by pain and the lightness in my spirit is beyond words. This moment of unexplainable and immeasurable peace is welcomed and at the same time I am beginning to be able to once again look at pictures of Tommy with the joy I felt looking upon him when he was in my arms.
I heard a song that spoke of how that the last touch was so painful. Now although it was in reference to saying goodbye to someones boyfriend/girlfriend… it resinated with me… It shot me right back to that fate-filled night when Tommy left this trouble earth and joined in his heavenly home… That last time I held him, although his sweet and perfect spirit had gone.. Looking back my arms stretched out for my mother to place him in mine one last time.. the feeling of not wanting to hold him as he was and yet not wanting to let him go.. the feeling of how painful it was to hold this perfect son of mine who just a few hours ago laid so peacefully in my arms, his sweet soft eyes fixed on mine… I couldn't nor can I still tell you how painful it was knowing that the moment I let him out of my arms was the last time I would touch him…. Most moments from that night can take my breath away~ and not in the good way… But knowing with utter certainty that I would never hold my son on earth again is one of compete agony. An agony that I am slowly becoming "adjusted" to and pray about a lot.
I am so grateful for every moment in my life, good or bad. I know with a beautiful certainty that my life is bettered in so many ways because of this trial.. Every moment waiting in obedience to what God desires me to do… I miss you sweet Tommy, Love you with all of my heart, and blessed by your being my son.
Love B
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