January 7th~ 58 days

January 7th 2012

I am shocked that it has been so long since I held Tommy. I have thought about how sweet he would be.. how beautiful he would be… how his love for Estella would have grown, how her love for him would have as well. She talks about him.. It makes me soooo happy! I love to hear her sweet voice say his name~ it is beautiful. 

I sometimes wonder what Tommy's passing did to her sweet little heart, I am jolted back to that next morning when Estella walked into our house, "where is Tommy?!" and again "where is Tommy?" and again and again… each time her little voice becoming more and more concerned. I brought her back into our bedroom, Jack sitting on the bed..  I kneeled on the ground while she sat on the edge of our bed…I had to speak those words to my dearest daughter… honey, listen… Tommy isn't here… Tommy is gone, he went to Heaven. God needed his little angel back home.. home in Heaven.. I am so sorry sweetheart.. if there was any one thing I could do to bring him back I would.. I can't. He is gone, (then realizing I needed to say those words aloud) Tommy died hunny… He isn't here on earth anymore… Tommy is in Heaven. Do you understand what I am telling you? Do you have any questions??  Her reaction was beyond heart breaking.. sitting there on our bed, she moved away from me.. away from jack.. and asked to be alone.  Seeing the pain in her eyes. Hearing the sound of hurt in her voice.. I just kept thinking am I really telling my daughter she just lost her little baby brother? God really?? How strong do you think I am God? Well He was pretty sure I could do this, I am doing this! I wake up every day with a longing heart, for Tommy to be in my arms.. I am quick to pray, quick to get out of bed, quick to be thankful for every moment.. and then it happens I move on with my day… knowing with every step, every breath, every beat of my heart is on God's time.. so I better have a grateful heart.. for that next beat next breath is NOT promised to us.. it is by grace that we are given each day each moment each person each and every thing! 

It is amazing in times like this times in which we are not meant to understand… the resilience the strength the peace and the love.. all become like a lighthouse to your soul.. allowing you to find your way, allowing you to be comforted. Even in the darkness, even in the questions, even when the hardest times of life are at hand… even in the heartbreak I trust God. 

Love B