February 17th~ 99 days...........

February 17th 2012

99 days... I miss you sweet boy.

Last few days have been very hard. I miss Tommy so very much. I long for him……….

No joke major breakdown in the carwash… like a crazy person, it was as if the door to the carwash shut, I was alone and could just let it out.. I feel awful saying it but if the gas station attendant saw me, he would have been scared… I don't know why I miss Tommy so intensely right now (well duh, I know why but it is stronger than before) it is down right soul shaking.. I feel like I have hit some sort of true acceptance, somewhere between picking up the shattered pieces and beginning to move forward~ truly move, not thru the motions but beginning to take those first steps into this new life. It isn't easier but just a different phase.. it is sad but somehow relieving… it is hard but easy… probably doesn't make a ton of sense.. but I feel like I am close to letting go of some of the pain, but it is hard because it feels like that last tie I have to Tommy.. I know things can change on a dime, you take 2 steps forward but then 4 back..  Someone asked what triggers me to miss Tommy… I said a simple "everything"… because who really wants to hear… ahh… I miss him with every breath. every heartbeat. the absence of his cry. looking back in my car and he isn't there. not having him in my arms. every blink of my eye. a song. but in short… just the absence of Tommy. It isn't something that is cured, especially not with time.. The pain ebbs and flows like a wave from a vast ocean, if you look you can see no land out before you…day in and day out the sorrow seems to come and go as it pleases… and I pray that some day my pain will be like the sun at sunset~you know.. out in the distance where the sun disappears into the water as if it was swallowed up whole. That is how I picture what God is slowly doing to my heartache… little by little, drawing it into himself… until… one day… it is gone… you can still tell the sun is there because you can see a little illumination… but the sun itself is gone. 

I cannot imagine doing it without God. With Him I can face the mornings, endure the days and fall in surrender to the night… 

Love B