June 28th 2017

When does the pain stop she asked…. that is the first thing that sweet mama asked… a few months ago I was matched up with a woman who lost her son. I know it is difficult to initially feel comfortable enough to just unload the emotional baggage you suddenly are carrying to a complete stranger..or it was for me.. now I make sure when I chat with these moms that all is kept between them and myself (I did ask said mom if I could tell this short story).. because we are talking about our deepest and rawest of feelings, most times even those closest to them do not know… So She says again…when will the pain stop.. I responded, I don't know..mine is still going..BUT it is not as raw as it once was. It won't consume you the way it does now and that although it is hard to imagine..you will laugh again smile again enjoy life again..but give yourself grace and time. She says to me "i can't even imagine laughing, in fact I can even smile!!!"… it brought me back to the first REAL laugh I had after Tommy passed away.

About 12 days after Tommy died, our sweet dog Bishop (my first "baby") was vigorously shaking his head… as he has done for years before, I swear that dog had some sort of nervous tick..anyway, all of a sudden, his ear swells up, like massively..all that flooded my mind was 'oh no no no..he better be fine, we can withstand loosing that crazy dog too..'.  After a loss you (or rather I) was on constant death patrol~ if someone wasn't feeling well I'd have to fight the crazy out of my mind and remind myself I was being a little trigger happy by jumping to the conclusion that someone or something may die…. So in our various states of mess and grief and no makeup (questionable if I had even tackled brushing my hair) and sweats and general dishevelment we take him to the vet… Well he's got a hematoma and if he doesn't shake his head or itch it and rock the cone until it is reabsorbed… so we get home, a giant cone for our giant dog- that is when the laughing began… Bishop CONTINUALLY ran into stuff, walls, every single piece of furniture.. ran into people..always came in from outside with it filled completely with snow…you name it he ran into it..but the best part was he'd groan, this belly groan as if he was so disappointed in himself for running into something… maybe it wasn't really that funny, or maybe you had to be there.. but it was my first hard laugh..and it felt so good. To know that through the tears and heartbreak there was a glimmer of hope that joy would creep in… Joy in Suffering..

There is such restoration in God. Trusting Him with all that you are.. trusting that He will hold you up when you cannot stand on your own… Trusting Him that He knows what is best for you…
As I say all the time….That sometimes when we are faced with something that requires us to make the decision as to if we are going to fight through the hardest of times or allow them to swallow us up whole.. Time after time my decision has been to fight, to find joy, to enjoy the trial as a blessing and to love the trial I face because it is a gift…a gift from God. Treasuring it as I know how it will shape and mold my character. It isn't easy per say BUT i will say it always ensures that the trial becomes a blessing, the tears become hope and the heartache becomes a testimony to my deep faith.

June 26th 2017

When a person prays for courage…does God just give him courage?

When a person prays for patience…does God just give him patience or gives him what he wants?

When a person prays for their family to feel close..does God just give the family warm fuzzy feelings of closeness?

When a spouse prays for the mending of a relationship..does God just take away every wrong that was done and make it perfect?

When a person prays for mending or healing or change or happiness…does God immediately mend…does He take away the thing that hurt us? does He immediately change our circumstances to make us happy?

No…When a person prays for something, God gives them the opportunity for it…the opportunity for courage, a opportunity for growth..opportunity for healing..the opportunity for change..the opportunity for happiness.. God doesn’t give us exactly what we ask for, He gives us a way to find those things…He wants us to find it all through Him and with Him… He does it all to make us better equip to serve Him. So that His light shines through us that others see His light and come to Him! And in the end He gives us far more than we deserve, far more than we asked for…far more than we could ever imagine for ourselves.

Every trial, every stumble..every rock bottom we have in life is not to crush us and leave us broken…but rather to have us reach for Him~ He arcs us from who we are to who He designed us to be all along. Every trial is a blessing in disguise…it is God’s way of speaking to us, molding us, growing us.. My greatest trial was my greatest loss but it was also my greatest blessing… I know God in a way many do not, I’ve physically felt His peace filled embrace.. I’ve heard Him speak to me in the depths of my despair.. He has heaved me out of fierce waters to save me…and He has shown me miracles that could only point to Him.. 

I’ve lived in full trust with Him.. Nothing absolutely nothing in our lives happens with out passing through the fingertips of God..Time and time again~ I’ve prayed for so many things and God’s answer was no…not now or at times He has been silent…when there was silence I knew what He was asking of me.. PATIENCE. He was taking one of my weakest and shortest attributes and growing it into one of my strongest. The Bible is peppered with stories about prayer and requests..and each one speaks of prayer, patience and trust in God… all of those put together is our life breath, it quenches our thirst and feeds our soul…

Ask and you shall receive… seek and you shall find… knock and the door will be opened for you… sometimes you can’t save everything, you lose a lot, and you can’t make everything perfect the way you want it…because God has prepared and planned for us things far better than we could plan for ourselves…. its like God allows things to pass by us so that when what He has prepared for us comes by… we are perfectly prepared for it.

Blessings.

June 20th 2017

From out of the fire…you will come forth more refined than gold. 

(But He knows the way I take, when He has tested me, I shall come forth as pure as gold. Job 23:10)

It has been nearly 6 years since Tommy passed away. That makes my heart sink…SIX years… So much has changed.. I used to count the days..and now I count the years in which I have walked through life without my sweet son. If someone had asked me all those years ago…in the very beginning, when loss was raw, emotions were weary, sleep was elusive and my part of my soul was so newly shattered…. So in 5 years what will your grief look like? what will it feel like? will you walk it alone? will your marriage survive? will you ever find peace? will there be joy? love? laughter? will there be life again? 

I would have said I cannot imagine what it will look like or feel like….I was so scared to think of the “future” and far too afraid to review the past.. the stagnant lingering of the present is all I had back then. Holding on moment to moment… Now life looks a lot different, time surely doesn't heal, God does…I was blessed with another daughter.. Not many people know why I was so hell bent on naming her Elizabeth..I knew it was Her, Elizabeth.. from the moment I found out I was pregnant….it is a name that was softly whispered into my soul. The name Elizabeth is Hebrew, meaning oath of God or God in satisfaction… her middle name is the same as mine…Esther.. also Hebrew, meaning Star.. Both names hail from the Bible, two strong women… one in old age bore a son, John the Baptist that paved the way for Jesus and the other was a Queen that faced her King and saved the Jew’s from death. Both women revered for their strength and their dedication to their faith… So this sweet daughter of mine, strong in name and strong in wilI embodies both of those women.. It is not lost on me..I know every day, every kiss, every hug and every Mama I love you is never taken for granted… Elizabeth by the grace of God is healthy, perfect in all the ways she is intended to be…she is precious. 

I’ve not written (on the blog) for years… been busy soaking up life, healing…and learning. When you hear about grief most people mention the “stages” of grief… some of that may be true, there is a natural progression to grief but it is most definitely not uniform, it is unique just like the loss~ it varies person to person.. And honestly I think it sets people up for not succeeding at life after loss. Grief isn’t something you strategically go thru, completing stage after stage until you are done…because in my opinion one is never done grieving the person they love. I’ve heard more and more about how someone feels like their not “getting thru” the stages.. I assure them it doesn’t mean they are failing or not working thru their loss…I make sure to emphasize that we are all unique, that a couple can lose a child and grieve soooo differently.. I’m a open book when it comes to all I experienced and that I didn’t go thru all the “stages of grief” because I’m pretty sure there’s no stage of grief included desperately crying in the shower, falling to my knees and saying “GOD i surrender, I surrender every inch of me, of my life to you… have it, take it.. I’m done pressing thru life on my own…I need you, I trust your plan…” and I’m sure there is no “stage” for being a parent to a child who’s lost their brother and having to comfort them and explain to them why it will be ok… it simple isn’t found in a book… It is ok to grieve how you need to, on whatever timeline…. 

In all these years my grief has not subsided..but rather evolved..just like the ocean, it ebbs and flows…sometimes the water is placid, glass like..and other times it is fierce, a force to be reckoned with.. I know it will never swallow me whole, God ensures me of that..but I’d be remiss if i didn’t say there were moments where I wandered too deep being sucked into the rhythm of life because it was easier to do that than to sit and miss Tommy. It is also hard being a parent of a child who’s lost a sibling… Estella old enough to remember all that happened, the fear in my eyes, me rushing him into the ambulance..and the frantic movements of all the adults around her~ sheltering her until the morning..when I sat and told her, after her pleading to me as to where Tommy was…those words leaking out of my lips..that Tommy was in Heaven..I still remember her little body, on the bed, me kneeling down to utter those words which were still so foreign to me.. He passed away. I think it is one thing to shoulder your own grief, but to feel weight of your childs grief is something else. Estella talks about that night..I listen and what I see is a kid…who is constantly digesting all that happened and her own grief..it’s as if the older she gets the more she grieves because it changes for her…she understands things deeper than she did at the time..it evolves. She also likes to bring up the olive story, when I told her we’d be burying Tommy’s body~ she was so confused..”how can you put him in the ground if he’s in heaven!!”…… by the grace of the Holy Spirit, who literally put the words into my mouth…. I said~ you know how you love olives, we are like olives… the green ones where we need to eat around the pit is like us, our pit is intact, just like our soul.. the black olives have the hole where the pit was, but it was removed..like when we go to heaven, God removes the pit, just like the pit our soul is the seed of life and God brings it to heaven when He whispers our name.

Estella and Elizabeth.. my little loves. One has seen so much and the other seeks to see. They are the before and after. I daily surrender to God and His plan for me..for us. Some days it is easy to do that…other days, with clinched teeth to I say I TRUST YOU. I trust in your promises your hope your love your truth…He never lets me down, I get distracted and wander but always return…eager for His presence…thirsty for His peace. 

There is no road map to grief, no google maps to avoid the traffic or hard times… the only way is through. If you surrender and allow God to help, if you give yourself grace and time… the loss becomes a blessing, the healing becomes a journey, the pain gives way to joy and the hope is that one day, whatever your trial, tragedy, loss can be used to help another person… we were never meant to experience life selfishly, every thing we learn is meant to be passed on. When we endure life’s hardships it is never just meant for us to learn from, sometimes we are chosen to endure a loss so that someone else chooses God…that His light shines through us and changes another life.. The lesson is never just for us. 

All in all, God has tested me…and with HIS help.. He refined me and I came out not scorched or burned..but rather healed saved and grateful. 

Blessings Always. 

Brie

September 9th 2014

Happy Birthday my dearest son... I can hardly believe you would be 3.....3yrs old!!! It boggles my mind, it truly seems it was just a few moments ago we welcomed you into the world. Your life was short but it has absolutely no bearing on how you have impacted so many people. I don't think every little baby is given such a beautiful gift like that from God~ through you He has given love, strength, trust, understanding, grace, forgiveness, patience, endurance and eternal life.... You came into this world tiny but God gave you such a might testimony....

There have been so many changes, BIG changes in our family~ along with each and every one I find myself smiling and thinking what would it be like if you were able to remain with us... what would it be like to see you playing with Estella... and what would you be like as a big brother to little Elizabeth.... I see sooooo much of your sweet spirit shine thru her.. her personality is pure joy and contentment...she does so many lil things that you used to do- how you like to be cuddled at my side, how you like to sleep, she smiles ALL the time just as you did...

Estella still talks about you daily. Truly everyday. Her love for you..if love could have healed you and tethered you to this earth it could have been done on her love for you alone. She misses you, longs for you... it is hard to see and hear sometimes because I cannot make it better. She did a project for Student of the Week- where she had to write what she wished for she wrote to go to Heaven and to hug, kiss and play with you....while most kids would have said go to disney or valley fair...she wanted you. It fills my heart with such joy and such sadness.

Having Elizabeth has been such pure joy....but also at times has been hard. Having to shelve those pop up thoughts of all the milestones she surpasses and that you did not....but when it does it is a odd conundrum~ joy for Elizabeth and sorrow for what I've miss with you.... I know with out a doubt you are always shining down on us, there are times when I feel you- there are times when those rays of light hit in such a precise way that it is almost as if you are saying "I am here..." I see that your life has changed our family for a lifetime, your spirit will be one that lives on far beyond just our little family... Estella will most likely speak of her little brother who was called home too soon... she says she wants the balloon (that roamed around the nursery & is STILL inflated!!!) in her home as a reminder of a miracle.... and her little brother whom she loves so very dearly.

I have realized so much about life is such a short time.... my BIGGEST most amazing realization... is to trust.. Trust God. in everything... absolutely everything... good. bad. amazing...awful... Trust Him, He has planned and planned and planned for your life, every detail... to trust Him is to let go of alllllll the worries about how what when why~ and replace it with peace that no matter the storm, trial or absolute glorious highs He has got it. Life will always work out for good~ Take it from me, who has lost a son, had numerous pregnancies lost~ He works all things for GOOD, my joy is greater than my joy prior to all my pain... and now its time to sign off here because one of my lovely joys is now awake and needing her mommy...............

Love,
Brita

August 18, 2013

August 18, 2013

I had to share..... This beautiful and somewhat awing moment for us this morning........

This morning we enjoyed coffee and some bagels while relaxing and watching church  (wooddale church) via live feed on the patio in our backyard... Estella wanted to use the ipod to listen to some music, earbuds in toe she begins marching around the backyard singing softly. She stops at the top of the hill and says "hey! Tommy's here shining down on me! Do you see the glimmers?? Do you see how the cloud has a hole in it and its he's shining his glimmers on me!!!" and "he is singing the SAME SONG as me in Heaven right now!!!!"

Jack and I sit dumbfounded.....and very quiet.... looking at each other and then up to the sky~ back at each other as if we were saying "ummmm you see that right?"........  See right now there is NOT one single cloud in the sky.... no hole in 'the cloud', we see no 'glimmer' or even a ray of light???? 

She points again as if we are simply not getting it... Finally we walk up the hill~ she stands there pointing to up the sky at the "cloud" and the "glimmer"..... Jack and I stand still and in complete silence~ totally baffled and a little uneasy bc where she is pointing there is no cloud, we see no glimmer... What we do see is clear blue sky. After a few moments of her pointing again and again at the location of the glimmer and cloud, we say to her 'ooooh yes we see'~  and yes fully lying to her bc it seems that we'd crush her little spirit if we told her "hunny nothing is there, we see no cloud/glimmer, we see nothing".........

I can say that she was blessed to see what she saw. I have learned not to doubt in these circumstances....... Finding more and more every day that it really is true, as we age we become more calloused~ able to less and less of what is truly out there....what is in plain view to little ones is hidden from us.....

Love & Blessings,

B 

Goodbye BerryPatch...

May 23rd 2013

Today was a day filled with tears…For all of us… It was the last day of preschool for Estella. Oh wow… it was heartbreaking to look at the faces of all those who've been there every morning, the teachers, mom's and dad's who have walked with us during every loss I've (we've) endured…they are a beautiful bunch of people who probably do not know how much they have helped us survive the loss of our son. There truly are no words for how treasured they are, how often Jack and I (even Estella) think of them… 

A year and a half ago, Jack, Estella and I each deeply heartbroken, walked into Colonial to bring Estella to school, it had been less than a week since Tommy had passed. Walking down the hall hand in hand, my tear stained face and our somberness was met with smiles and gentle nods. BerryPatch did what I can only describe as a AMAZING job at allowing their little school to be a place of ease, fun and stability for Estella.. She was loved up, hugged, held and prayed for daily… For that there are no words of gratitude that I could find to convey how much that aided in Estella's healing as well as ours. This year Estella was BLESSED to meet a little friend who truly is her other half. This little girl also has a sibling in Heaven, little Hannah. Estella and Jane speak often about their siblings~ they talk about what they are doing in Heaven, if they play together… soooo often after school they go to this little pond and "pray and talk to Tommy and Hannah". For Estella this friendship has helped her healing in a way Jack nor I could. She found something that each and every person desires, she found that she was not alone that there was another kid who has a sibling in Heaven… It didn't really occur to me how important that was and when she found it how much it would change her life.... if you think about it kids talk about their siblings all the time, it was only now that Estella found a little friend who she relate to on this level.. 

Today marks the end of a 3yr journey with BerryPatch… of our loss and a community filled with encouragement, love, kindness…. We are so sad to leave, but have been so blessed by each and every person, big and small, from BerryPatch… A thousand thank you… 

Love and Blessings,

B 

My God.

May 21st 2013

I read something today that brought tears to my eyes… I never need a reminder as to what I have lost, to who is missing in my life- in our lives… I also never need a reminder as to WHO brought me through the fire.. the most difficult and heart wrenching moments of my life….. 

"Your most profound and intimate experiences of worship will likely be in your darkest of days~ when your heart is broken, when you feel abandoned, when your out of options, when the pain is great….. And you turn to God alone." (by Rick Warren)

I could not have stated it better… For some not understanding the 'worship' part of his statement~ to me... worship is prayer, deep seeking of God and asking HIM to hold you up when your legs cannot bear the weight of your pain… There are so many mommy's who know this feeling… so many of us, hearts broken and in those most painful of moments~ we who reach UP, end up receiving a profound amount of love and strength from the ONLY one who can provide permanent comfort to the pain. 

"As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you." isaiah 66:13

Love and Blessings,

B

May 9th 2013

This time of year has been hard.. for some reason it just makes me think of Tommy. The beautiful weather.. being outside.. it is spring and spring is all about new life and new beginnings… I watch Estella run around, laughing and squealing with joy… I don't often allow myself to do the "what if" game… but I find myself thinking of that frequently… The what if Tommy was here~ I can only (obviously) imagine how they would run and giggle with each other, playing outside and long walks up to sebastian joes… I am constantly fortified with the peace that only can come from God.. a peace that goes beyond the normal and into the divine.. It still isn't easy…but I am just more used to it.

A friend asked how I do it? how I hang out with my friends with children who are the same age as Tommy would be… how I can handle being around my friends who are pregnant… I just said "because I don't want their babies or children, I want Tommy. I am not envious of them being given a gift, I am excited for them" and that I also know God is preparing something for me, for us… I don't know what (it better be good!!!) but I just feel like He is getting things in place so that His plan is as it always is… Perfectly Timed. 

I usually rest on God's words… but tonight… 

As Christopher Robin said to Pooh

"Promise me you'll always remember…… You're BRAVER than you believe, and STRONGER than you seem, and SMARTER than you think"…… 

every time I read that I think of Tommy saying that to me… 

Love and Blessings,

B

March 1st, 2013

March 1st, 2013

There are seasons in life in which it seems that the trials never cease… They roll in one after the other, crashing into you with no avail. It seems just as you catch your breath from one another strikes you. There will also be moments in life…where you look back and ask yourself 'wow, did I get through that?!' Those hard moments that seemed so bleak and filled with such pain and heartbreak… The moments in which you are able to look back are actually gifts. They are something to treasure, because you are able to see with such clarity the fingerprints of God…you see how He comforted you when you could not comfort yourself… He blurred life's other strifes and made them so small you could not see them.. He sent you peace and joy when you least expected it… He whispered to your heart "I will carry you through this child, do not worry I am bigger than this…." 

There is a part of me that is oddly not shocked.. and a part of me that is saying "again"? with such a pain in my heart. After what was over 13wks of a closely watched pregnancy, a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby…. Ultrasound after ultrasound, test after test, bloodwork after bloodwork the result was always the same everything looks great…. That Monday, after a night of being awake from 3am to 5am I decided I was going to call the dr…on a gut feeling that something was 'off' (not physical but a gut feeling) I went to my high risk clinic for a quick ease of mind appointment~ only to find out it would do just the opposite. There laying with the ultrasound probe on my newly swelling belly I knew…. I knew that the small little inkling of something being off was no longer a feeling but a reality. On the monitor I saw, a once squirming little baby filled with life~ still… The first of many many thoughts was holy cow, I was right? how did I know? we were JUST here watching a ultrasound of our little baby a week earlier… Then with a pause… we are here again. Again, really? how can this be… have we not endured enough loss?? the last miscarriage that occurred 2 days prior to Tommy's first bday nearly broke me, now this. 

They scheduled me for a d&c Wednesday at 11:30am at the hospital. I went to bed Tuesday night feverishly praying for God to make this easy, to make sure everything went smoothly…. He did just that. I awoke at 2:15am with cramps, by 2:30am I felt a pop and gush of fluid~ I knew I was going into labor…  Because we needed to do testing on our sweet little baby I knew we had to make sure it was a very sterile environment & we could pass off our lil babe to have testing done asap… We rushed to the hospital, was there for less than 10mins~ I deliver our sleeping baby… Because of how far along I was they admitted me to the hospital for observation (to ensure I didn't have uncontrollable bleeding or hemorrhaging)… I can say this, which I think is very very rare, EVERY person that attended to us was like a angel. Truly, every person, so nice and kind…. Their hearts were so evident and their sadness for us was evident in their eyes… Once I got to my room for observation, the nurse Peggy introduced herself… she was probably mid to late 60's and her tender heart showed me she had some sort of pain in which allowed her understand mine.. She and I began to talk, she ensured me it would get better… I told her this was number 4.. and I pray every day it does… She asked how many children we had, I answered a daughter here and a son in Heaven… That is when she teared up and said in a soft voice "me too"… We talked about how painful it is, how it does ease up but is always there..she shared how she still cries often about her son's absence but knows he's in Heaven and having  the best time.. We spoke for sometime, I knew just knew that she was divinely placed in my life for that moment to bear a little of my pain for a moment and soften the blow of losing another baby. 

I imagined Jesus taking Tommy's hand, quietly leading him to the entrance of Heaven and saying to Tommy "I have someone I know you are eager to meet... this is your sibling..".. I also imagine Tommy telling his sister/brother about their big sister Estella, about their daddy and about me.. I know it is just a thought but it is a sweet one to me....... 

Faith in God is like a lit candle…. If you sit in a dark room, with only a small candle lit~ everything around you is illuminated… That small little flame casts light where ever you shine it.. Imagine the candle is God~ it doesn't take much for Him to lite what was once dark and scary, He takes the unknown and makes it known… You are able to see the truth and cast out what is not…..

I pray that this trial builds me up, us up.. closer to God and deeper in faith…..

Love B

Tommy's 1st Birthday........

September 9th 2012

Happy Birthday Tommy.

Happy Birthday sweet Thomas… our sweet son Tommy, little brother to Estella and treasured member of our little family. I cannot believe that you would be a year old! One Yr old.. I think of you every day and constantly throughout each and every day. You burst open our hearts, filled our life with love and blessed us in a way only your sweet spirit could. Not a day goes by where I wish you were here, I supposed that is how it will always be. I miss your amazing smile and yes you shot us a smile not long after you were born… Almost as if God granted you that ability, so we would never have to wonder what your smile would look like… Speaking of smiling.. I am now able to look at pictures of you and SMILE, my heart fills with overflowing joy at your sweet face.. Estella talks about you ALL the time, I knew that your bond was strong even when you were curled up inside me…You would dance around at the sound of her voice and it didn't stop there~ once you made your arrival your love for her was so clear, I don't know if it is normal for 2 day old babies to be able to move their heads in the desired direction, but you did…you loved to look at her, to stare at her… Estella loves you dearly sweet Tommy, she misses you so very much. You brought our family so much joy in your life here as well as joy in your return to Heaven~ you taught us joy in suffering (and still do). Although your entrance into this world was scary for us, it was truly a miracle… When the doctor showed us your umbilical cord and how it was in 2 true knots…how you had survived a rough labor…how I was at the hospital safe and monitored while your heart rate dropped to such low levels…how you were able to stay as long as you did while having undiagnosed fatal heart condition…how you were so strong, showing no signs of being sick and in turn giving us such precious moments with you.. You were a fighter, a survivor, a miracle and most of all a blessing… I am so thankful for your love, for your time here, for how you have helped us grow, how you showed us that God is here alive and active… I am so excited to get to Heaven, to be reunited with you! I cannot wait until I am able to learn the why's and understand everything… But for now I wait, solid in what answers I do have, grounded in my love for you, knowing that you sweet Tommy were here for a purpose… WE continue to love you just as if you were here~ for one of my greatest lessons learned has been, NOTHING absolutely nothing can break the bonds of love, that just because you are not "here" with us does not mean that our love stops growing rather it multiplies and grows stronger with each passing day…. We are so grateful for you, for your love and for God's grace…  

Although I have missed all those amazing moments that go along with watching a baby transform into a 1 yr old.. I try not to think about what I have "missed" while watching Tommy grow but rather focus on what we were able to give him…a feverish love, so so so many kisses, constant hugs, countless I love you's and hopefully enough love to last eternity…I do not feel sorry for myself, I don't ask 'why me?',  I do say what can I learn? where is the lesson? I am so blessed to have had each and every moment that I had with Tommy. Sometimes it is hard to believe that this is my path, our family's path… How could we endure such devastation and be so blessed?? What have we done to be given such grace from God?? See we believe that Tommy's passing is a blessing. Not because of the pain of losing a child, but rather how God came down swooped us up and wrapped us in his love…how God continues to bless us with His peace. I never understood in the bible when it says joy in suffering~ it seems so contradictory to the natural ways of this world. But then again, it was a beautiful lesson we have learned. Amidst our suffering, we were able to find the blessings tucked under each tear, blessings hidden in every breath taking moment of Tommy's departure from this world, the blessing to of EVERY morning we were given the ability to meet the day… blessings have become a way of life for us. It has kept us close to God, it has strengthened our faith and is healing our hearts. I am not trying to diminish the pain that walks alongside a parent who has lost a child, it is a brutal pain BUT it is a pain that (at least for us) was soothed by God's grace.  

Tommy…. We love you dearly, words cannot fully express our love for you… We miss you every moment of our lives… We are so thankful for your love, for your sweet spirit, for giving us 2 beautiful months with you….We look forward to the day we are reunited with you, completing what was halted that night you left this world~ joining again as a family… Again, we LOVE you… 

Happy 1st Birthday sweet Tommy….. 

This is a long journey, riddled with speed bumps and pot holes, has slippery when wet signs and winding roads, and wracked with pain as well as joy~  It is my journey, hard as it may be, I can only hold on to the hope and promises God has for me. He has taught me to be at peace in each and every circumstance that arrives in my life no matter how devastating they may be… We are NOT our circumstances, we are not defined by a tragedy or subject to our traumas…. I am bettered by my tragedies, strengthened by my circumstances and a warrior in Christ that overcomes my traumas…. 

Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. 

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trials, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him….. 

Love B

September 8th 2012

A year ago today, I was scheduled for an induction… The little baby inside was a week late and showed NO signs of wanting out. As I packed up for the hospital a year ago today, my mind raced with excitement on being able to meet and hold this sweet lil baby.. Today also marks the last day of my innocence or more so my naivete on birth, life and everything in-between. 

As we arrived at the hospital around 5pm I felt a calm as if God had just wash it over me. I checked in, the nurse taking my vitals, checking baby and explaining what the plan was… As she hooked up the monitors, she looked at the readout from the monitor~ she asked "did you feel that?" I said "ya, just a little bit" She informed me that I actually was in labor.. I was OVERJOYED!! I had such an easy and quick labor with Estella I envisioned a similar labor with this little baby. Things progressed nicely…until I hit a wall with the pain.. I asked for an epidural around 10pm and promptly received it (thank goodness!) the anesthesiologist and I joked about the fact once again the epidural only worked on my left side- as he exited he said (which I will NEVER forget) "at least you don't have to have a c-section" in reference to the fact that I could deal with only being numbed on one side.. With the beautiful epidural the downside is being bed bound~ it turned out to save our baby's life. I labored for a 30 mins or so, but it seemed that the sweet baby just didn't want out! It just didn't move down if ya know what I mean… Hooked up to all those monitors, bed bound I labored for no more than a hour, until a fleet of nurses came bursting in shouting "get on your side get on your side!"… It was the beginning of my loss of naivete.. The baby's heart rate had dropped dangerously low, not one time but 4.. At 3am September 9th we were rushed into the OR for an emergency c-section, oddly I wasn't nervous or scared again I was at such peace… I was at peace even when the anesthesiologist said I have a membrane between the left & right space where they admit the epidural & it doesn't allow it to numb both sides- he informed me that he was going to try something, if it doesn't work they would have to put me under general.. I feverishly prayed as he prodded me with what felt like a 2 x 4 and ahhhhh I was numbed on both sides!! After a few (long) minutes I hear him.. a quivering cry, that I AM HERE cry.. accompanied by a joyous "It's a boy!"~ a quick clean up and look over by the nurses and dr.'s, all swaddled up they brought him to me and that is when we fell in love. 

I have a abundance of emotions as tomorrow approaches. It will be Tommy's first birthday. I can't help but think of how a year ago today held such joy, anticipation and love for us. I remember being beyond overjoyed to have Estella meet her new little sibling, how excited she was to be a big sister.. I remember a feeling, a strong feeling of "finally" after 2 miscarriages I finally am able to have my sweet baby.  

Love B

July 20th 2012

It has been an overwhelming month…. it seems just as soon as I take one step forward I just as quickly take one step back…. Tonight though has been by far the MOST heart wrenching night in quite a while.

After spending the afternoon/evening with dear friends.. and as I was tucking Estella in bed… she softly says with a true sound of heartbreak ringing with every word… she says "mom, why does Gia get to keep Drew? why does she get to have her little brother? at this point she is crying, curled up in my arms, she was sobbing in my arms…there in the dark room and only a soft whisper as she continues to say "I don't understand mommy, why do other big sisters get to have their brothers? (again pleading with me) Why do other sisters get to have brothers… I miss Tommy, mommy I miss Tommy! I want him back… all the while my heart is breaking more than words can or could even describe….Estella continues to say  "Mom! Tommy is in Heaven and I want him to be here!!!"  If you can imagine, sitting there listening to you child plead with you for your other child who is in Heaven…….It is beyond soul breaking….  Estella finishes the 45 min conversation with "mommy, I wish Tommy wasn't special…. that way He could still be here and not in Heaven"

It rings through me like a wildly banging gong ringing in my head…. I get it. I too wish beyond wishes that Tommy could be here...

Love B

  

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord

plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future…… 

June 20th~ 223 Days

June 20th 2012

Sometimes I have to ask myself if it was all a dream. Being pregnant with Tommy, having him here….and losing him. It seems just as quickly he arrived, he had to leave. The tears and the pain let me know this was no dream. Sometimes I wonder why God allowed me to love Tommy with such fervor, I felt as though God lead me and my heart to such heights… only to allow me to dive into such depths. I know there is a purpose, a reason but it doesn't soothe an aching heart. I watched the video of Estella when she was on her way to come meet her new sibling…. In it she is on a hurried walk down the hospital hall, filled to the measure with excitement and chattering away.. it shows her entering the room running over to my bedside begging to see her new lil brother or sister~ Jack brings her over to the bassinet and she squeals and says "I knew IT! Its a baby brother!!!" we asked her if she could guess his name and she states with such assurance "Tommy!!!"… We had bought her a Kit doll, wrapped up all nice, we asked if she'd like to open her gift from Tommy and she replies with a stern "NO! I want to hold my lil Tommy"…. We lay him on her lap, she begins to sing to him….. I am immediately sickened. She too was brought to such heights only to have her dreams dashed as well~ I can nearly feel my heart crack a little more. 

I have so many questions for God. None of which is "why me"… I know that with Tommy's broken heart, he cracked open so many others… he brought love to so many people, he opened up so many hearts to kindness and love and thoughtfulness… those are some of the beautiful things I get to see…. I waiver back and forth on wanting to know the answers now and being able to wait until I enter the gates of Heaven…. 

Not many people have the faith I do. Not many understand how I can be faithful to a god who allow this tragedy in our lives. I feel like I can only go and live my life to show them that it isn't what happens or doesn't happen in life that makes my god a good and loving god… it is after, after the trial or storm in life that will show how good and amazing my god is. It is true he allowed this to happen in my life, but he also picked me up… holds me daily… breathes new life into me… and ultimately will guide me through these tough times…. 

Love B

June 19th 2012~ 222 Days....

June 19th 2012

Life never ceases to amaze me. I had to go to the dr because I have a bladder infection (yes yes tmi and no not pregnant) but it is the only accurate way to tell this story.. I went in this morning,  to the doctor… my obgyn.. I have not stepped foot there since my 6 wk check up and with Tommy in toe. Oh! I remember I was SO proud of him and it was somewhat of a lil success story especially because all of the wonderful nurses and doctors and even the receptionists had been thru 2 miscarriages with me, they were so so happy to see Tommy and I that last time… The contrast between that last time and this time couldn't be more different... This time walking into the building and through those doors took my breath away. It reminded me of my pregnancy with Tommy and of his absence. I saw the look of pain in some of their eyes while others looked as though they were just trying to keep it together, wanting to say something and reading me to see if it was ok to hug me, to ask how I am doing… for the most part there is the look of sheer sadness with regards to my circumstance.. I am ushered into the bathroom, I find myself praying begging God to not let me breakdown and to not let tears come leaping from my eyes, not because of pride or wanting to 'seem' ok, but rather to not freak out the herd of women in there with swollen bellies. I can't think of anything I'd like to hear less when pregnant is about a woman who had a healthy pregnancy and a seemingly healthy baby who after a little over 2mos suddenly passed away. It made me realize how badly I desired to be pregnant again, how scared I am and how every fiber of my being wants to have Tommy here with me. The raw acceptance of to life after you lose a child is a fickle one~ I wonder what the day will be like when thinking about Tommy won't be met with a internal physical wincing from him not being here and each and every memory of him, that my daily pain will be soothed a little and when the missing is turned to anticipation of seeing Tommy again… For now, I do life differently.. taking it moment by moment, day by day.. all the while allowing my heart to cry out for Tommy… knowing he is looking out for me and that I will someday see him again. Resting on the promise of God.  

Love B

May 21st~ 193 days...

WOW..... Six Months.

We have surpassed another one of my "milestones".. it has been a little over 6months since Tommy went back to Heaven. These last 6 months have been the trial of a lifetime. I am still fill to the brim with grief, but also filled with joy, love, laughter and a hope of a fearless mom.

Confessions Of A Grieving Mother.....

I have yet to meet a day with the inability to get out of bed, walk down the hallway past pictures of sweet Tommy and go about my day.... I think that is solely because of Gods grace.

I cry daily.

My heart is still broken, I know I will not ever be the same... rather like a broken bone the scar remains, the bone becomes stronger (like my hope, my faith, my love and me).

Sometimes I have to lie, when someone asks how I am doing sometimes I, for me, need to say 'good'.. sometimes I need a moment of normal in my day, I need someone to crack a joke or just hear about them and not talk about me.

I still do not have a reign on my emotions. Some days are harder to hold back tears... while other I can't and they come fiercely stinging out of my eyes... and then there are those days, when I can talk with ease with no choking sadness boiling just under the surface.

I love to hear Tommy's name.... I love to say his name...

I blow him a kiss good night... every night.

I still am not sure as to why God has allowed this in my life... but it must be for a BIG purpose-filled reason and for that I am eternally grateful for.

I need to write, journal every day or I am weighed down..

It has not torn Jack and I apart, but rather bound us together for a lifetime and I am ever amazed at Jacks love and strength.

I KNOW Tommy is in Heaven.... I KNOW he looks out for me, Elephants...

I now have the perspective and clarity as to my pregnancy, delivery and Tommy's life here. it is PERFECT if I was to remove one tiny key from any of the occurrences Tommy would have not been with us for the time he was gift to be here.

I dream about Tommy, as far as I can tell he is in a dream every night~ his age varies, his involvement varies but he is always there... I had a dream about a positive pregnancy test and Tommy was there telling me it would be ok and not to worry....

I still have very little memories of Tommy... I cannot picture him in my mind..

When asked how many children I have I say 2, a little girl who is 4yrs old and a sweet little boy who is in Heaven....

My love for Tommy has grown, just as though he were right here snuggling on me.

It does NOT make me sad to see other babies, if for some reason I well up it isn't because of Tommy it is because I know that it is a gift we are given, entrusted with by God to be mommy's... I am happy for that mom to have such a gift.

God heals when time cannot.

I have found a strength that I never could have imagined... a hope I never thought possible...

I want to have another baby.  Actually many more babies... and they will all know about their big brother Tommy.

I have not been debilitated by my grief... to that the list of thank you's is so very long so I will say dearest friends... thank you.. for calls, voicemails, emails, text msg... and even the drop in visits.. as well as for knowing I can't give a lot and you all accept that and still think about me, love me and pray for me..... I appreciate every one of those more than words can possibly express..

After all is said and done, I have found a peace unlike any other. To that I humbly thank God.

God Bless...

Love B

April 12th~ 154 days..... my heart still longs for you sweet Tommy

April 12th 2012

One Hundred and Fifty Four Days……. My breath completely taken away by that number. I pray that God scoops up each and every tear of mine… every time I hold my breath so I can take on the pain.. I hope He turns them into hugs and gives them to Tommy. I pray that He tells Tommy about me, allows Tommy to know how much we love him and how our love is not stunted or stopped just because we are separated.. As Estella and I were talking yesterday, that Tommy while in my tummy loved Estella so much, it is just like that now a barrier separates them, that Tommy is in heaven and loves Estella so very much.. When Estella came to meet Tommy at the hospital that very first time, she walked over to the bassinet peeked in and with a huge smile showed her love for him… I picked Tommy up placed him next to Estella and I on the bed~ Estella (out of the blue) began to sing to Tommy.. "Tommy I adore you and I lay my life before you… how I love you.. how I love you" (to the tune of jesus i adore you)~ Yes yes we did in fact get it on video.. She sang that to him MULTIPLE times a day.. every day. It was so very tender and sweet, it showed how pure love can be. I believe Tommy is now singing that to Estella.. multiple times a day….

"He delights in nothing more than our choice to believe Him over what we see and feel." 

"God exerts an incomparable power in the lives of those who continue believing Him. Nothing on earth compares to the strength God is willing to interject into lives caught in the act of believing."

So I am a reader and knowledge seeker by nature.. I have a vast amount of books on everything from christianity to psychology on marriage to child rearing on ballet to agatha christie not to mention encyclopedias, thesauruses, healthy and wellness, a crazy amount of grief books and roughly 8 bibles… Now Jack is not a "reader" it would be the last thing he would choose to do. In fact he thinks it is down right odd that I sit there while we watch a show and I am nose deep into a book or face lit by the ipad (oh the books!!)… I love to take a large net cast it out and see what I can acquire about a subject. Now if that means buying analytical concordances on one subject or another well… I will do it! 

I have not always been a strong christian, I have always known or resided in the fact that everything happens for a reason. Now I am not talking about this season of life… I am talking as far back as I can remember. I have countless journals dating back to when I was 10yrs old. There is a running theme.. now matter what happens I know I will be ok~ not just "ok" but really taken care of… not by my parents but something bigger… that everything that has ever happened is a part of my life story.. written before I was ever conceived. I eluded to the fact that I knew I would be ok, taken care of and everything would somehow turn out good. I have not had a easy life, there are childhood pains, adolescent hurts, growing pains in my twenties and well… now. Each and every experience has fortified my ability to handle life as I now know it.. but it doesn't end there, rather I feel as though it is just the beginning of my story. Almost as though all that has happened before was the prologue and chapter one is "The Moment Life Stood Still: when Tommy passed".  I feel a overwhelming amount of light filled force encouraging me to "get up and go, this is your time". It is as though I am egnighted. I feel like God is asking me to do things I formerly would be uncomfortable doing, it feels like every nook and cranny that previously was shadowed by darkness has been filled with light and I know myself more than ever before. I know why God had me go through things in life that were painful, it was all to mold my character, to give me strength that when the moment happened I could use it as fuel to His fire.. yes I am crediting God for my hard times.. as I have feverishly studied the bible He allows us hardships to grow us up so that we can glorify Him.. There is no greater contrast in life when someone overcomes what would be a crippling experience, season of life, accident or loss… I have now thanked God for those hard times.

I wonder where He will take me, what I will be called to do.. I know that what ever it is… It's going to be amazing, glorifying to Him and what He had planned for me all along. You can't get much more secure in life than that… I bow in reverence to Him. 

Love B

April 10th~ 152 days

April 10th 2012

In our bible study we are currently studying James. There are so many sweet verses, many about the trials we experience in life. I obviously cannot help but think about Tommy. To date losing him has been my (duh!) hardest trial~ living my life without my sweet son. Daily… moment by moment I miss him. In the book of James there is a lot of talk about finding joy in sorrow, now joy isn't "happiness" it is a soft contentment and appreciation of life… joy is what we find when amidst a trial when we find a moment… a second of peace and a surprise smile or laugh… I can say I have joy. At times I even posses a decent amount of happiness. I know that no matter what God allows me to endure in my life, it is always for good, always for his glory… there is no greater contrast in life when you see someone who should be (by human standards) curled up in bed, filled to the measure with grief and yet God gets to "show off" a little by giving that person joy, peace, strength and the ability to get up and out~ it is by these contrasts God gets to reap some of his biggest glories… I am appreciative that He has chosen me. I get a little nervous as to why, because I feel as though I do not deserve it~ the truth is I don't no body does… we all fall short of the glory of God. … but then again God graces whom he choses to and I am so very happy he chose me. 

I am ever thankful. Jesus…. thank you for giving me and others the amazing gift of eternal life with you and the ones who have gone before us…. some people say that it is a gift we get to "cash in on" when we are called home. I don't look at it like that~ see to me it is a gift for me daily, to think about and know I get to see Tommy again…

Love B

April 4th 2012~ 146

April 3rd 2012

This journey.. is hard. So many things that you uncover or maybe a better word discover about yourself that you were not privy to prior.. at some moments it is as though a thin veil has been lifted and you see yourself in all its clarity, as you have been this whole time~ you find strengths that you didn't know you possessed, weakness you've tried to hide and for me at least a contentment in life I could have never imagined. 

Like learning to walk on a tight rope suspended high in the air far about the steady comfort of gravity… life now is a balancing act. Some days my balance is off, every muscle tense bracing for a fall...some days my balance is the most precise it has ever been, moving with the grace of a beautiful ballerina. I have found I have to be conscious of how to spend time, allocating time for grief… for laughter… for resting… for living. I am ever amazed at how God has provided for me. 

Our little family has a love of the gentle giants known as Elephants… beginning with me finding a picture online and being "taken" by the painting… then asking Carl to paint a picture for Tommy's nursery of the night sky and a dozing elephant.. then Tommy passed. Carl feverishly worked at painting and framing the Elephant painting for Tommy's memorial service… bitter sweet~ a loss of no longer able to hang it in his room, for him to grow up looking at~ that sweet peaceful Elephant… to the painting becoming a major part of our blessings.. Tommy's balloon stationed next to it for days on end… then the balloon moving around our bedroom and then Tommy's nursery.. It has become a kind of peace in our home. A soft reminder of what my hopes were for Tommy, the future I had wanted for him…for us and how we are not always gifted our dreams but that we can still feel blessed. Last week while buying some summer clothes for Naples, I was checking out Jcrew's website… there I stumbled upon something that sent chills throughout my spirit… there laid a picture of a necklace, a lil gray elephant… alone on a gold chain.. I cried and immediately pressed "add to cart"… On Saturday, while we had my mom's birthday celebration… one of her friends had bought Estella a little gift, it was 4 knitted finger puppets, one of a little girl, one of a monkey with a baby monkey on its back, one of a lion and one of a elephant… yep elephant.. Estella cried out "hey mom its an elephant!!!" and Jack and I just stunned… Then while buying Estella some clothes for Naples yesterday, there it was a long sleeve tee-shirt of a pink elephant…. This morning… Estella and I were watching Shrek the Third~ in it is a song, a duet that is slow and rather beautiful.. I have loved it since I first heard it years ago (we watch shrek 3 all the time!). Today I finally went to go and see (iTunes) if I could find it. After repeated and failed attempts, I searched google and found it was called '9'… went back onto iTunes to download. Upon finding it, it brought me to the album with a list of songs. The song under it was called Elephant. Yep.. Elephant. I hung my head in disbelief, in humbled silence I gave thanks. These small, odd, amazing little signs bring me a peace that is immeasurable… as Jack says it is our insurance… I love that to me it is a sweet payment we are blessed to bring to the spiritual bank… to deposit. And on those hard and rainy days, to go back… to look… to feel… to know. That Tommy is in Heaven, we have sweet angels around us, we are held tight by God and our love continues to grow for our sweet baby boy...

I sit still.. very quiet. In complete reverence to God. To his plan. Ever thankful for his love, his angels, his son… and for my son.

Love B

March 22nd 2012~ 133 days

March 22nd 2012

I have many in my life whom do not have the same beliefs as I do.. Since Tommy's passing we have seen so many signs of God's grace…. one we shared with people, Tommy's Balloon.. but there have been so many others. One was so very powerful, it brought to light what I had in my mind. After Tommy's memorial service…. we received so many sweet and beautiful cards. It took a few days to open them as it was very hard to see other physical reminders of our sweet Tommy's departure from this life to his heavenly eternal life. Jack opened one that was in such a beautiful envelope, inside containing a card… this card above all others was particularly joyful, hopeful, beautiful and truly a gift from Jesus to us. It was a custom card, soft vanilla in color, a sheet of paper folded over… with a sketch of Jesus holding a baby… See the person whom sent the card had not met Tommy, hadn't seen how I held Tommy~ in his favorite position… I was completely dumbfounded as to the resemblance of this tiny baby that was held in Jesus's arms. It was Tommy. No no it wasn't grief that made it look like him…. here is the story…………

I wrote this to her~ 

Hello there! Hope all is well with you.. I just had to write and tell you about your parents card to Jack and I. I am not sure if you had seen it or not, but (obviously) your mom made it. The sketch of Jesus and a baby. I have hardly been able to look at it without crying. In the sketch Jesus is holding a baby the EXACT way I held Tommy.. in fact the baby has a soft open mouth as if it were sleeping... which is what Tommy used to do... The card hit me so hard because it is what I needed to see~ Tommy in Jesus' arms... It has brought me such comfort because it put a picture to what I know is true. 

This is her response~

I have tears running down my cheeks. I know exactly what you are talking about because I woke up oddly early the morning of the memorial service and my mom was sitting at her computer crying. I asked her what she was doing and she told me God woke her up during the night and told her to go to her computer. She said He told her exactly what to do and she just listened. He was obviously trying to send you a little squeeze. I'm picturing you snuggling your little love just like that now. Hugs!

As I said yesterday was a hard day… while at home, I passed our front door… I saw a package sitting there. It was wrapped in beautiful paper~ I read the card and it was a gift from my friend and her family… I opened it and there in a beautiful frame… it is the sketch of Jesus and that sweet baby.. Jesus and Tommy. I don't think it was any coincidence that she dropped it off yesterday, that I was having such a tough time… The hardest morning yet… Jesus had a special delivery for me… reminding me that even though I miss Tommy so very much…. that he is in the arms of Jesus… The picture brings peace, hope, a reminder, love and joy…. If I could bottle up God's love, I would. I'd give it to all… If anyone has ever had doubts about faith, I would say talk to Jack and I~ we have been given so many precious gifts since our sweet Tommy was conceived… yes conceived~ these gifts He has blessed us daily, even in the hardest of days He tugs at the heartstrings of others to bless us. 

Love B

March 21st 2012~ 132 days

March 21st 2012

I feel as though I have lived a lifetime in these few short months…. Today was to date one of the hardest yet. I sat in the sunroom and cried for a good portion of the morning. Sitting there, thinking of Tommy and missing him beyond words~ I have looked in the thesaurus to see if there was a word that encompasses how deep this pain is… the english language does not have one~ a combo of words but not one singular word. I ran across a word (not in the thesaurus) it is greek, perilupos… it means severely grieved, exceedingly sorrowful and overcome with sorrow so much so to cause one's death (well I know my pain will not kill me but sometimes whoa it feels like it :) ) 

We are just starting on this journey, knowing it truly will last a lifetime. My acceptance of Tommy not being here I have faced head on, I have not shied away from remembering that night nor the searing pain that has followed… and knowing there is so much more to endure, so many more moments to get through and what I can only imagine more heartbreak to come. In speaking to other bereaved parents of children of all ages, including some whom babies were born asleep, I have realized what we (all) have experienced is a vast amount of trauma. Trauma that is at times relentless, exhausting and challenging in every area of your life. There also seems to be a theme that others feel if it has been 3mos, 6mos or a year that we are ok because "time heals"~ trust me when I say "time" doesn't heal, it steals… it steals your heart because you think of that last time you were able to hold you precious little one, it steals your thoughts as memories begin to slowly recede, it steals the present because you aren't always "present" in the moment, and it steals the future because you look ahead about missing them for a lifetime…. I feel all those of varying degrees at any given moment. I trust God to give it all to Him, I rely on His healing not times, on His strength because my own is never going to be enough and His promises that all is done for good, thru trials He sifts out the bad keeping only the good~ and uses it to His glory….. I rest in His peace. 

When I have those moments of tenderness I stop and pray. I give thanks for Tommy, I spill out my deepest hurts on Him.. knowing with everything I cannot bear on my shoulders gently falls on His. There is a certain reverence I give God that previously I have not given Him… Although I am brokenhearted about Tommy not being here, he was a gift from God and I am ever grateful for that gift. 

Sweet Tommy, I miss you so very much, love you with every fiber of my being……… 

Love B