March 1st, 2013

March 1st, 2013

There are seasons in life in which it seems that the trials never cease… They roll in one after the other, crashing into you with no avail. It seems just as you catch your breath from one another strikes you. There will also be moments in life…where you look back and ask yourself 'wow, did I get through that?!' Those hard moments that seemed so bleak and filled with such pain and heartbreak… The moments in which you are able to look back are actually gifts. They are something to treasure, because you are able to see with such clarity the fingerprints of God…you see how He comforted you when you could not comfort yourself… He blurred life's other strifes and made them so small you could not see them.. He sent you peace and joy when you least expected it… He whispered to your heart "I will carry you through this child, do not worry I am bigger than this…." 

There is a part of me that is oddly not shocked.. and a part of me that is saying "again"? with such a pain in my heart. After what was over 13wks of a closely watched pregnancy, a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby…. Ultrasound after ultrasound, test after test, bloodwork after bloodwork the result was always the same everything looks great…. That Monday, after a night of being awake from 3am to 5am I decided I was going to call the dr…on a gut feeling that something was 'off' (not physical but a gut feeling) I went to my high risk clinic for a quick ease of mind appointment~ only to find out it would do just the opposite. There laying with the ultrasound probe on my newly swelling belly I knew…. I knew that the small little inkling of something being off was no longer a feeling but a reality. On the monitor I saw, a once squirming little baby filled with life~ still… The first of many many thoughts was holy cow, I was right? how did I know? we were JUST here watching a ultrasound of our little baby a week earlier… Then with a pause… we are here again. Again, really? how can this be… have we not endured enough loss?? the last miscarriage that occurred 2 days prior to Tommy's first bday nearly broke me, now this. 

They scheduled me for a d&c Wednesday at 11:30am at the hospital. I went to bed Tuesday night feverishly praying for God to make this easy, to make sure everything went smoothly…. He did just that. I awoke at 2:15am with cramps, by 2:30am I felt a pop and gush of fluid~ I knew I was going into labor…  Because we needed to do testing on our sweet little baby I knew we had to make sure it was a very sterile environment & we could pass off our lil babe to have testing done asap… We rushed to the hospital, was there for less than 10mins~ I deliver our sleeping baby… Because of how far along I was they admitted me to the hospital for observation (to ensure I didn't have uncontrollable bleeding or hemorrhaging)… I can say this, which I think is very very rare, EVERY person that attended to us was like a angel. Truly, every person, so nice and kind…. Their hearts were so evident and their sadness for us was evident in their eyes… Once I got to my room for observation, the nurse Peggy introduced herself… she was probably mid to late 60's and her tender heart showed me she had some sort of pain in which allowed her understand mine.. She and I began to talk, she ensured me it would get better… I told her this was number 4.. and I pray every day it does… She asked how many children we had, I answered a daughter here and a son in Heaven… That is when she teared up and said in a soft voice "me too"… We talked about how painful it is, how it does ease up but is always there..she shared how she still cries often about her son's absence but knows he's in Heaven and having  the best time.. We spoke for sometime, I knew just knew that she was divinely placed in my life for that moment to bear a little of my pain for a moment and soften the blow of losing another baby. 

I imagined Jesus taking Tommy's hand, quietly leading him to the entrance of Heaven and saying to Tommy "I have someone I know you are eager to meet... this is your sibling..".. I also imagine Tommy telling his sister/brother about their big sister Estella, about their daddy and about me.. I know it is just a thought but it is a sweet one to me....... 

Faith in God is like a lit candle…. If you sit in a dark room, with only a small candle lit~ everything around you is illuminated… That small little flame casts light where ever you shine it.. Imagine the candle is God~ it doesn't take much for Him to lite what was once dark and scary, He takes the unknown and makes it known… You are able to see the truth and cast out what is not…..

I pray that this trial builds me up, us up.. closer to God and deeper in faith…..

Love B