June 28th 2017

When does the pain stop she asked…. that is the first thing that sweet mama asked… a few months ago I was matched up with a woman who lost her son. I know it is difficult to initially feel comfortable enough to just unload the emotional baggage you suddenly are carrying to a complete stranger..or it was for me.. now I make sure when I chat with these moms that all is kept between them and myself (I did ask said mom if I could tell this short story).. because we are talking about our deepest and rawest of feelings, most times even those closest to them do not know… So She says again…when will the pain stop.. I responded, I don't know..mine is still going..BUT it is not as raw as it once was. It won't consume you the way it does now and that although it is hard to imagine..you will laugh again smile again enjoy life again..but give yourself grace and time. She says to me "i can't even imagine laughing, in fact I can even smile!!!"… it brought me back to the first REAL laugh I had after Tommy passed away.

About 12 days after Tommy died, our sweet dog Bishop (my first "baby") was vigorously shaking his head… as he has done for years before, I swear that dog had some sort of nervous tick..anyway, all of a sudden, his ear swells up, like massively..all that flooded my mind was 'oh no no no..he better be fine, we can withstand loosing that crazy dog too..'.  After a loss you (or rather I) was on constant death patrol~ if someone wasn't feeling well I'd have to fight the crazy out of my mind and remind myself I was being a little trigger happy by jumping to the conclusion that someone or something may die…. So in our various states of mess and grief and no makeup (questionable if I had even tackled brushing my hair) and sweats and general dishevelment we take him to the vet… Well he's got a hematoma and if he doesn't shake his head or itch it and rock the cone until it is reabsorbed… so we get home, a giant cone for our giant dog- that is when the laughing began… Bishop CONTINUALLY ran into stuff, walls, every single piece of furniture.. ran into people..always came in from outside with it filled completely with snow…you name it he ran into it..but the best part was he'd groan, this belly groan as if he was so disappointed in himself for running into something… maybe it wasn't really that funny, or maybe you had to be there.. but it was my first hard laugh..and it felt so good. To know that through the tears and heartbreak there was a glimmer of hope that joy would creep in… Joy in Suffering..

There is such restoration in God. Trusting Him with all that you are.. trusting that He will hold you up when you cannot stand on your own… Trusting Him that He knows what is best for you…
As I say all the time….That sometimes when we are faced with something that requires us to make the decision as to if we are going to fight through the hardest of times or allow them to swallow us up whole.. Time after time my decision has been to fight, to find joy, to enjoy the trial as a blessing and to love the trial I face because it is a gift…a gift from God. Treasuring it as I know how it will shape and mold my character. It isn't easy per say BUT i will say it always ensures that the trial becomes a blessing, the tears become hope and the heartache becomes a testimony to my deep faith.