June 20th 2017

From out of the fire…you will come forth more refined than gold. 

(But He knows the way I take, when He has tested me, I shall come forth as pure as gold. Job 23:10)

It has been nearly 6 years since Tommy passed away. That makes my heart sink…SIX years… So much has changed.. I used to count the days..and now I count the years in which I have walked through life without my sweet son. If someone had asked me all those years ago…in the very beginning, when loss was raw, emotions were weary, sleep was elusive and my part of my soul was so newly shattered…. So in 5 years what will your grief look like? what will it feel like? will you walk it alone? will your marriage survive? will you ever find peace? will there be joy? love? laughter? will there be life again? 

I would have said I cannot imagine what it will look like or feel like….I was so scared to think of the “future” and far too afraid to review the past.. the stagnant lingering of the present is all I had back then. Holding on moment to moment… Now life looks a lot different, time surely doesn't heal, God does…I was blessed with another daughter.. Not many people know why I was so hell bent on naming her Elizabeth..I knew it was Her, Elizabeth.. from the moment I found out I was pregnant….it is a name that was softly whispered into my soul. The name Elizabeth is Hebrew, meaning oath of God or God in satisfaction… her middle name is the same as mine…Esther.. also Hebrew, meaning Star.. Both names hail from the Bible, two strong women… one in old age bore a son, John the Baptist that paved the way for Jesus and the other was a Queen that faced her King and saved the Jew’s from death. Both women revered for their strength and their dedication to their faith… So this sweet daughter of mine, strong in name and strong in wilI embodies both of those women.. It is not lost on me..I know every day, every kiss, every hug and every Mama I love you is never taken for granted… Elizabeth by the grace of God is healthy, perfect in all the ways she is intended to be…she is precious. 

I’ve not written (on the blog) for years… been busy soaking up life, healing…and learning. When you hear about grief most people mention the “stages” of grief… some of that may be true, there is a natural progression to grief but it is most definitely not uniform, it is unique just like the loss~ it varies person to person.. And honestly I think it sets people up for not succeeding at life after loss. Grief isn’t something you strategically go thru, completing stage after stage until you are done…because in my opinion one is never done grieving the person they love. I’ve heard more and more about how someone feels like their not “getting thru” the stages.. I assure them it doesn’t mean they are failing or not working thru their loss…I make sure to emphasize that we are all unique, that a couple can lose a child and grieve soooo differently.. I’m a open book when it comes to all I experienced and that I didn’t go thru all the “stages of grief” because I’m pretty sure there’s no stage of grief included desperately crying in the shower, falling to my knees and saying “GOD i surrender, I surrender every inch of me, of my life to you… have it, take it.. I’m done pressing thru life on my own…I need you, I trust your plan…” and I’m sure there is no “stage” for being a parent to a child who’s lost their brother and having to comfort them and explain to them why it will be ok… it simple isn’t found in a book… It is ok to grieve how you need to, on whatever timeline…. 

In all these years my grief has not subsided..but rather evolved..just like the ocean, it ebbs and flows…sometimes the water is placid, glass like..and other times it is fierce, a force to be reckoned with.. I know it will never swallow me whole, God ensures me of that..but I’d be remiss if i didn’t say there were moments where I wandered too deep being sucked into the rhythm of life because it was easier to do that than to sit and miss Tommy. It is also hard being a parent of a child who’s lost a sibling… Estella old enough to remember all that happened, the fear in my eyes, me rushing him into the ambulance..and the frantic movements of all the adults around her~ sheltering her until the morning..when I sat and told her, after her pleading to me as to where Tommy was…those words leaking out of my lips..that Tommy was in Heaven..I still remember her little body, on the bed, me kneeling down to utter those words which were still so foreign to me.. He passed away. I think it is one thing to shoulder your own grief, but to feel weight of your childs grief is something else. Estella talks about that night..I listen and what I see is a kid…who is constantly digesting all that happened and her own grief..it’s as if the older she gets the more she grieves because it changes for her…she understands things deeper than she did at the time..it evolves. She also likes to bring up the olive story, when I told her we’d be burying Tommy’s body~ she was so confused..”how can you put him in the ground if he’s in heaven!!”…… by the grace of the Holy Spirit, who literally put the words into my mouth…. I said~ you know how you love olives, we are like olives… the green ones where we need to eat around the pit is like us, our pit is intact, just like our soul.. the black olives have the hole where the pit was, but it was removed..like when we go to heaven, God removes the pit, just like the pit our soul is the seed of life and God brings it to heaven when He whispers our name.

Estella and Elizabeth.. my little loves. One has seen so much and the other seeks to see. They are the before and after. I daily surrender to God and His plan for me..for us. Some days it is easy to do that…other days, with clinched teeth to I say I TRUST YOU. I trust in your promises your hope your love your truth…He never lets me down, I get distracted and wander but always return…eager for His presence…thirsty for His peace. 

There is no road map to grief, no google maps to avoid the traffic or hard times… the only way is through. If you surrender and allow God to help, if you give yourself grace and time… the loss becomes a blessing, the healing becomes a journey, the pain gives way to joy and the hope is that one day, whatever your trial, tragedy, loss can be used to help another person… we were never meant to experience life selfishly, every thing we learn is meant to be passed on. When we endure life’s hardships it is never just meant for us to learn from, sometimes we are chosen to endure a loss so that someone else chooses God…that His light shines through us and changes another life.. The lesson is never just for us. 

All in all, God has tested me…and with HIS help.. He refined me and I came out not scorched or burned..but rather healed saved and grateful. 

Blessings Always. 

Brie