February 22nd~ 104 days.....

February 22nd

My heart hurts.. like a ache that won't go away... a heartbreak that will last for a lifetime. I sit and endure the pain, knowing that it is no longer a stranger in my life... it is something I am slowly "getting familiar" with. At first this missing, this pain, this unrelenting longing for Tommy was scary, unfamiliar and oddly I couldn't make sense of it~ not in the non accepting way just in the figuring out and almost reconciling everything that happened birth to death.  I believe that God has a beautiful plan for me... it is a plan that has bumps and potholes but also moments filled with joy, laughter, love... I realize I do not discriminate between the hard moments in life and the joyous ones. I found that both allow you to learn, allow you to grow, allow you to become the person you were intended to be... I miss Tommy with every fiber of my being, I long for him each and everyday... I have found that my love for him has not been halted by all this but rather it grows, just like how my love for Estella grows... Truly love has no boundaries... for that I am blessed.

Love B

February 17th~ 99 days...........

February 17th 2012

99 days... I miss you sweet boy.

Last few days have been very hard. I miss Tommy so very much. I long for him……….

No joke major breakdown in the carwash… like a crazy person, it was as if the door to the carwash shut, I was alone and could just let it out.. I feel awful saying it but if the gas station attendant saw me, he would have been scared… I don't know why I miss Tommy so intensely right now (well duh, I know why but it is stronger than before) it is down right soul shaking.. I feel like I have hit some sort of true acceptance, somewhere between picking up the shattered pieces and beginning to move forward~ truly move, not thru the motions but beginning to take those first steps into this new life. It isn't easier but just a different phase.. it is sad but somehow relieving… it is hard but easy… probably doesn't make a ton of sense.. but I feel like I am close to letting go of some of the pain, but it is hard because it feels like that last tie I have to Tommy.. I know things can change on a dime, you take 2 steps forward but then 4 back..  Someone asked what triggers me to miss Tommy… I said a simple "everything"… because who really wants to hear… ahh… I miss him with every breath. every heartbeat. the absence of his cry. looking back in my car and he isn't there. not having him in my arms. every blink of my eye. a song. but in short… just the absence of Tommy. It isn't something that is cured, especially not with time.. The pain ebbs and flows like a wave from a vast ocean, if you look you can see no land out before you…day in and day out the sorrow seems to come and go as it pleases… and I pray that some day my pain will be like the sun at sunset~you know.. out in the distance where the sun disappears into the water as if it was swallowed up whole. That is how I picture what God is slowly doing to my heartache… little by little, drawing it into himself… until… one day… it is gone… you can still tell the sun is there because you can see a little illumination… but the sun itself is gone. 

I cannot imagine doing it without God. With Him I can face the mornings, endure the days and fall in surrender to the night… 

Love B

February 10th~ 92 Days

February 10th 2012

Yesterday Tommy would have been 5mos. WOW 5mos. I truly cannot believe it. I don't even go there as to the "what if's, what would he look like etc…".. Rather I try and concentrate on how much I love him, how beautiful he is (yes is, as in current…) and I think about how blessed and honored I feel to have been gifted him from God. Today marks 3mos since Tommy went to Heaven. The last few days have been hard to say the least… As night approaches, as the day business has slowed down… and as the evening grows more and more silent with every minute, my heart aches for Tommy. It is in the silence of the night that a baby's cry should be present, ringing throughout the room like a alarm alerting you to the fact someone starving ;) .. It is that silence where my heart aches. It is hard to wrap your mind around how this beautiful baby who brought such joy has now gone to Heaven and now resides pain, heartache and a deep sense of longing. It is hard to not allow my earthly selfish wants for my sweet Tommy to be here, in my arms… As much as I want him here I am so happy he is in Heaven.. I slip into bed, lay my head down and begin to pray.. it isn't long before the tears arrive, almost as if God is opening my heart for a little mending, pressing on me to tell Him every thing.. For me to give Him my hurt, sadness, longing and every other thing I cannot rest on my shoulders. It is in these quiet moments that I know God is taking time for healing, for building me up and for reassurance that it is part of His plan and to continue to trust Him. 

We had dinner with wonderful friends on Thursday night…. Jane began to tell me about a woman she had known, she too lost a son. The woman wasn't doing well, she was battling cancer, she was faithful and wasn't afraid of passing, she knew where she was going and had a air of peace about it. She was excited to be able to be reunited with her son.. Jane said that this woman envisioned passing, arriving in Heaven and also who greeted her… It wasn't her son whom she envisioned, it was Mary (yep that mary!) and she envisioned Mary taking her hand and saying "lets go find our sons…"~ It immediately brought a beautiful comfort to me, I love the idea of arriving home, in Heaven, and Mary taking my hand and saying "brita, lets go find our sons.."…   

Estella talks about Tommy every day many many times throughout the day… She has wondered if Tommy had a great day in Heaven, wondered if God was changing his poopy diapers.. she has talked about how Tommy is in the arms of God and he is safe. She prays for him every night. Estella is wise beyond her mere 4yrs, she is quick to announce "mom… I miss Tommy." or "mom… when you going to have another baby?"… lately my sweet girl has had a heart for God. Now I am not talking about she just "knows" him, or she is just reciting stuff… she gets it. When reading a story to her before bed she could hardly contain herself and had to interrupt saying "MOM… did you know we drink from God's well!!!?" my response "yes" and again with a TON of excitement "Mom… did you know that we wont be thirsty anymore????" again I replied a little more shocked "yes…" and then (as if I didn't get the full picture of what she was sooo excited about) "MOM, do you know that we will never be thirsty again!!… to which I replied "yes you are right"… I later asked what she thought that meant… her response was this.. See Mom, God gives me what I need to be happy… when I need something.. like when I am thirsty at night and I ask for my jug (of water) and you get it for me with the ice cubes and it is perfect (ps it happens EVERY NIGHT)  that is what He does… I thought wow, nicely done. I was expecting her to say He gets me water when I am thirsty.. but she actually knew what she was speaking about. again she ceases to amaze me. She can be a lighthouse to a dark moment, her smile or her hug can take me from sadness to knowing it was as if God had just walked her over to me to give me a hug from Him. 

It probably sounds odd to some, my faith. But before I would say I "knew" God and now I would say I have SEEN God, His work and His grace. Not a day has gone by where i am ungrateful for my circumstance. Yes it sounds bizarre, but it is just that I am grateful for every moment, event, blessing and trial in my life. For these trials have shown me more about myself, God and what you can do if you choose Him. My heart has grown, I love deeper than before and seem to have abounding love that penetrates all whom I seem to come in contact with.. 

I thank each and every person who has been there for us, it is by your prayers, thoughts and love we have been blessed. 

Love B

February 2nd~ 84days

Follow Me one step at a time. That is all I require of you. In fact, that is the only way to move through this space/time world. You see huge mountains looming, and you start to wondering how you're going to scale those heights. Meanwhile, because you're not looking where you're going, you stumble on the easy path where I am leading you now. As I help you get back on your feet, you tell Me how worried you are about the cliffs up ahead. But you don't know what will happen today, much less tomorrow. Our path may take an abrupt turn, leading you away from those mountians. There may be an easier way up the mountains than visible from this distance. If I do lead you up the cliffs, I will equip you thoroughly for that strenuous climb. I will even give My angels charge over you, to preserve you in all your ways.
Keep you mind on the present journey, enjoying My presence, WALK BY FAITH not by sight, trusting Me to open up the way before you.............

February 1st~ 83 days

February 1st 2012

Tommy's last day here was a Thursday, November 10th 2011.. Unlike most mornings after Tommy's 4am feeding he just didn't want to go to sleep, he wasn't crying or fussy, he just wasn't going to sleep…. for some reason I asked Jack to go and rock Tommy to see if that may help. One of the only mornings in Tommy short life, Jack and he rocked… Jack cuddled him while rocking for over an hour, see it is so weird because it was the last time Jack held Tommy… It was one of the only mornings he had sat up and rocked him… enjoyed him. My morning started off with Tommy waking up at around 7:30am.. I nursed him, however he was not as interested in nursing as he was in staring at me and smiling. Sitting up I had him cradled in my hands and arms stretched out in front of me.. OH he was just so beautiful I kept thinking, I am so lucky he is such a sweet baby.. as usual I leaned my head into his, foreheads touching, noses touching too~ he would slowly closes his eyes as if peace had just washed over him, I could smell his sweet baby breath… Then I laid down and brought him to my tummy, he was sitting up facing me just smiling, I talked to him about how much I loved him, how beautiful he was… we spent quite some time just staring at one another that morning…. truly enjoying every moment. Little did I know that that would be the last morning I would wake up to my beautiful boy. I dropped Estella off at school, ran to target and then home.. Tommy and I sat in the sunroom nursing and rocking.. After picking up Estella at school, we took a roundabout way home, I remember looking in the mirror at Tommy, he was just amazing.. sitting quietly gazing out the window. That was the last time he was in his carseat.. After arriving home I made lunch for Estella and then she went to have quiet time in her room… Tommy and I settled in again in the sunroom, I spent the next 2.5hrs holding him, looking at him, telling him I loved him… I nursed him, he could hardly nurse he just was staring at me smiling and that is when he started to coo, I was talking to him and he just started to coo... like music to a mothers ears... He eventually fell asleep in my arms as he so often did. It was a peaceful time with him….. I could never had imagined the events that were to take place, that later that night we would have to return home without our sweet boy…..  

See Jack and I were both given a gift that last morning.. looking back we were given the gift of saying goodbye to our sweet baby boy. We were each given time with Tommy, quiet unrushed cherished time. Without knowing he would pass before the day was through, we cherished our time with him. I think of so many mornings I have rushed around, so many times I hadn't just taken in the moment.. I know God gave us that morning to have no regrets, no "i wishes", and just beautiful time with our Tommy. 

I have a heart of gratitude for all things in life now. I try and not walk through a day, not rush because really what is time~ if i am 5mins late who cares, I try to find a smile to give to a stranger, I try to look at people and see a person not someone who is driving slow or not flying down a aisle as fast I am…. I try and give my best to my friends, family and strangers. 

I miss Tommy everyday, every moment.. somedays I fight through the day… while others seem to allow me to move through them with ease.. Estella has been talking about Tommy quite a bit lately. There is not a day that goes by that she doesn't talk about him… Sick and sniffly nosed she tells me about how EXCITED she is to get to Heaven, that when she gets there she is going to hold Tommy and tell him she loves him.. That she is going to feed him and play with him and tell him how much she has missed him… She told me, that she would like to go to Heaven first (PLEASE NO!) because she just can't wait. Bless her sweet heart. She also has been praying for me to have another baby in my belly, that it would be ok if it were a boy or a girl "but i kinda want a girl God" she says… We also do a kiss at night, she kisses her fingers and blows a kiss to Heaven for Tommy. I am so happy that Estella loves someone so much that she cannot see and has not seen for 83days….. She truly has the SWEETEST spirit. 

Love B

January 27th~ 78 Days

January 27th 2012

This last week has been met with challenges.. Today finally feeling like I have a renewed sense of spirit. I miss Tommy more and more every day :).. I walk past Tommy's pictures and my heart just drops to the floor with such force it honestly can take my breath away. I am just so sad he is gone...

A few days ago, Jack and I were talking and he was struggling a bit with missing Tommy... grief is so unpredictable, it ebbs and flows so viciously.. We talked about how I have (obviously) a different daily dealing with Tommy and his passing.. I have moms and teachers asking about How I am doing, How are we coping, sometimes met with tears and other times I cry.. I am constantly talking about Tommy, how I miss him. I have opportunities to respond to people when asked how many kids to you have? I say 2, a 4yrs old daughter Estella and a 2mos old son Tommy who is in Heaven.. (thank you heather lange!).. Jack mentioned that he doesn't have those moments of talking to people about Tommy, work is work~ it made me sad because we BOTH love to talk about Tommy, we love to hear his name! we love to tell people about how we miss Tommy but are so happy he is in Heaven. I wish I could take Jacks pain away....

Today my devotional was this....

Trust is a golden pathway to Heaven... When you walk on this path you live above your circumstances. My glorious light shines more brightly on those who follow this path of life. Dare to walk on the high road with me, for it is the most direct route to heaven. The low road is circuitous: twisting and turning in agonizing knots. There the air hangs heavy, and dark, ominous clouds predominate. Relying on your own understanding will weigh you down. Trust in me absolutely and I will make your path straight....

It is perfect. That is what I hang my heart on daily... So today, I will pray for everyone, no not just friends and family.. but everyone, that they could also have peace amidst storm (however big or small the storm is)... Since Tommy, no not since passing but since he blessed us with his sweet face at birth, my heart has grown by leaps and bounds. Truly my capacity to love has just increased.. That is my blessing I choose to look at today...

Love B

January 19th~ 70 Days

January 19th 2012

70 Days… wow. The last few days have been incredibly difficult. Thanksgiving, Christmas and NYE all put together were less difficult than these last few days.. We have surpassed my "mental milestone" (i have only one.. this one) of Tommy being gone longer than he was here. It is heart wrenching. Simply sad. There are no words in the english language that accurately describe how much I miss Tommy, that feeling of missing him, and how badly I just wish for things to be different…I long for the day when I am able to hold him again… I feel like I am wrestling with the fact of knowing he is truly in a better place and wanting him here… The sadness doesn't consume me, thank God, but it is nonetheless very hard, it weighs on me like a lead jacket… I am having to fight the horrific memories of Tommy's passing.. I no longer ask "why" but what am I suppose to take from this/ what is the purpose God has for me through this…. I know this is God's plan, I trust His plan. I know I will get to see Tommy again… 

There are people in my life who don't understand, why would they~ if I hadn't lost Tommy I wouldn't understand.. Missing someone for the rest of your life, living with a hole in your heart and having to relearn how to live again~~ it is hard and going to take time (a lot of time).. I feel like I need to say that when I don't return a call, text msg, or email it isn't because I am ignoring you, it is because I need quiet time, time to regroup, time to sit with estella and just hang… it takes a LOT of energy to have a conversation sometimes, to get ready and go out… I am sorry, I don't know when that is going to change… I ask only one thing, please be patient.. :)

There is something that happens with time, it continues on.. no matter how much we want to rewind, pause, stop or fast forward… it continues to move forward at a pace all its own. Time also does not make things easier, or at least for me. It shows me the space between the last day I spent with Tommy to today. It shows me that time cannot heal (only God can). It shows me that as it continues on, I must as well.. In my daily devotional I read something that has helped me a little….

'Come to Me and rest in My loving Presence… You know that this day will bring difficulties and you are trying to think your way through those trials… As you anticipate what is ahead of you, you forget that I am with you…now and always. Rehearsing you troubles results in experiencing them many times, whereas you are meant to go through them ONLY when they actually occur. Do not multiply your suffering in this way! Instead come to Me and relax in My Peace. I will strengthen you and prepare you for this day, transforming your fear into confident trust…'

~ see I think that we are only supposed to experience things ONCE…. Reliving events (esp horrific ones) only brings more and more trauma. Replaying events truly makes you emotionally go through the entire experience all over again. I can't believe that going over and over such things are healthy or a healthy way of dealing with tragic events. 

As life unfolds, as time goes on, as my perspective becomes a little more acute… I realize that I am apart of a story, God's story.. I feel privileged to have this "role" and even more privileged that Tommy has (in my life) taken a "starring role".. I cannot count how many times I hear "Tommy's short life here has changed My life" from friends, family and strangers. I feel privileged that God entrusted little Tommy with me, knowing I would Praise Him through this..  

I pour out my complaint before Him, before Him I tell my troubles. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is You who know my way…..

Love B