April 12th~ 154 days..... my heart still longs for you sweet Tommy

April 12th 2012

One Hundred and Fifty Four Days……. My breath completely taken away by that number. I pray that God scoops up each and every tear of mine… every time I hold my breath so I can take on the pain.. I hope He turns them into hugs and gives them to Tommy. I pray that He tells Tommy about me, allows Tommy to know how much we love him and how our love is not stunted or stopped just because we are separated.. As Estella and I were talking yesterday, that Tommy while in my tummy loved Estella so much, it is just like that now a barrier separates them, that Tommy is in heaven and loves Estella so very much.. When Estella came to meet Tommy at the hospital that very first time, she walked over to the bassinet peeked in and with a huge smile showed her love for him… I picked Tommy up placed him next to Estella and I on the bed~ Estella (out of the blue) began to sing to Tommy.. "Tommy I adore you and I lay my life before you… how I love you.. how I love you" (to the tune of jesus i adore you)~ Yes yes we did in fact get it on video.. She sang that to him MULTIPLE times a day.. every day. It was so very tender and sweet, it showed how pure love can be. I believe Tommy is now singing that to Estella.. multiple times a day….

"He delights in nothing more than our choice to believe Him over what we see and feel." 

"God exerts an incomparable power in the lives of those who continue believing Him. Nothing on earth compares to the strength God is willing to interject into lives caught in the act of believing."

So I am a reader and knowledge seeker by nature.. I have a vast amount of books on everything from christianity to psychology on marriage to child rearing on ballet to agatha christie not to mention encyclopedias, thesauruses, healthy and wellness, a crazy amount of grief books and roughly 8 bibles… Now Jack is not a "reader" it would be the last thing he would choose to do. In fact he thinks it is down right odd that I sit there while we watch a show and I am nose deep into a book or face lit by the ipad (oh the books!!)… I love to take a large net cast it out and see what I can acquire about a subject. Now if that means buying analytical concordances on one subject or another well… I will do it! 

I have not always been a strong christian, I have always known or resided in the fact that everything happens for a reason. Now I am not talking about this season of life… I am talking as far back as I can remember. I have countless journals dating back to when I was 10yrs old. There is a running theme.. now matter what happens I know I will be ok~ not just "ok" but really taken care of… not by my parents but something bigger… that everything that has ever happened is a part of my life story.. written before I was ever conceived. I eluded to the fact that I knew I would be ok, taken care of and everything would somehow turn out good. I have not had a easy life, there are childhood pains, adolescent hurts, growing pains in my twenties and well… now. Each and every experience has fortified my ability to handle life as I now know it.. but it doesn't end there, rather I feel as though it is just the beginning of my story. Almost as though all that has happened before was the prologue and chapter one is "The Moment Life Stood Still: when Tommy passed".  I feel a overwhelming amount of light filled force encouraging me to "get up and go, this is your time". It is as though I am egnighted. I feel like God is asking me to do things I formerly would be uncomfortable doing, it feels like every nook and cranny that previously was shadowed by darkness has been filled with light and I know myself more than ever before. I know why God had me go through things in life that were painful, it was all to mold my character, to give me strength that when the moment happened I could use it as fuel to His fire.. yes I am crediting God for my hard times.. as I have feverishly studied the bible He allows us hardships to grow us up so that we can glorify Him.. There is no greater contrast in life when someone overcomes what would be a crippling experience, season of life, accident or loss… I have now thanked God for those hard times.

I wonder where He will take me, what I will be called to do.. I know that what ever it is… It's going to be amazing, glorifying to Him and what He had planned for me all along. You can't get much more secure in life than that… I bow in reverence to Him. 

Love B

April 10th~ 152 days

April 10th 2012

In our bible study we are currently studying James. There are so many sweet verses, many about the trials we experience in life. I obviously cannot help but think about Tommy. To date losing him has been my (duh!) hardest trial~ living my life without my sweet son. Daily… moment by moment I miss him. In the book of James there is a lot of talk about finding joy in sorrow, now joy isn't "happiness" it is a soft contentment and appreciation of life… joy is what we find when amidst a trial when we find a moment… a second of peace and a surprise smile or laugh… I can say I have joy. At times I even posses a decent amount of happiness. I know that no matter what God allows me to endure in my life, it is always for good, always for his glory… there is no greater contrast in life when you see someone who should be (by human standards) curled up in bed, filled to the measure with grief and yet God gets to "show off" a little by giving that person joy, peace, strength and the ability to get up and out~ it is by these contrasts God gets to reap some of his biggest glories… I am appreciative that He has chosen me. I get a little nervous as to why, because I feel as though I do not deserve it~ the truth is I don't no body does… we all fall short of the glory of God. … but then again God graces whom he choses to and I am so very happy he chose me. 

I am ever thankful. Jesus…. thank you for giving me and others the amazing gift of eternal life with you and the ones who have gone before us…. some people say that it is a gift we get to "cash in on" when we are called home. I don't look at it like that~ see to me it is a gift for me daily, to think about and know I get to see Tommy again…

Love B

April 4th 2012~ 146

April 3rd 2012

This journey.. is hard. So many things that you uncover or maybe a better word discover about yourself that you were not privy to prior.. at some moments it is as though a thin veil has been lifted and you see yourself in all its clarity, as you have been this whole time~ you find strengths that you didn't know you possessed, weakness you've tried to hide and for me at least a contentment in life I could have never imagined. 

Like learning to walk on a tight rope suspended high in the air far about the steady comfort of gravity… life now is a balancing act. Some days my balance is off, every muscle tense bracing for a fall...some days my balance is the most precise it has ever been, moving with the grace of a beautiful ballerina. I have found I have to be conscious of how to spend time, allocating time for grief… for laughter… for resting… for living. I am ever amazed at how God has provided for me. 

Our little family has a love of the gentle giants known as Elephants… beginning with me finding a picture online and being "taken" by the painting… then asking Carl to paint a picture for Tommy's nursery of the night sky and a dozing elephant.. then Tommy passed. Carl feverishly worked at painting and framing the Elephant painting for Tommy's memorial service… bitter sweet~ a loss of no longer able to hang it in his room, for him to grow up looking at~ that sweet peaceful Elephant… to the painting becoming a major part of our blessings.. Tommy's balloon stationed next to it for days on end… then the balloon moving around our bedroom and then Tommy's nursery.. It has become a kind of peace in our home. A soft reminder of what my hopes were for Tommy, the future I had wanted for him…for us and how we are not always gifted our dreams but that we can still feel blessed. Last week while buying some summer clothes for Naples, I was checking out Jcrew's website… there I stumbled upon something that sent chills throughout my spirit… there laid a picture of a necklace, a lil gray elephant… alone on a gold chain.. I cried and immediately pressed "add to cart"… On Saturday, while we had my mom's birthday celebration… one of her friends had bought Estella a little gift, it was 4 knitted finger puppets, one of a little girl, one of a monkey with a baby monkey on its back, one of a lion and one of a elephant… yep elephant.. Estella cried out "hey mom its an elephant!!!" and Jack and I just stunned… Then while buying Estella some clothes for Naples yesterday, there it was a long sleeve tee-shirt of a pink elephant…. This morning… Estella and I were watching Shrek the Third~ in it is a song, a duet that is slow and rather beautiful.. I have loved it since I first heard it years ago (we watch shrek 3 all the time!). Today I finally went to go and see (iTunes) if I could find it. After repeated and failed attempts, I searched google and found it was called '9'… went back onto iTunes to download. Upon finding it, it brought me to the album with a list of songs. The song under it was called Elephant. Yep.. Elephant. I hung my head in disbelief, in humbled silence I gave thanks. These small, odd, amazing little signs bring me a peace that is immeasurable… as Jack says it is our insurance… I love that to me it is a sweet payment we are blessed to bring to the spiritual bank… to deposit. And on those hard and rainy days, to go back… to look… to feel… to know. That Tommy is in Heaven, we have sweet angels around us, we are held tight by God and our love continues to grow for our sweet baby boy...

I sit still.. very quiet. In complete reverence to God. To his plan. Ever thankful for his love, his angels, his son… and for my son.

Love B

March 22nd 2012~ 133 days

March 22nd 2012

I have many in my life whom do not have the same beliefs as I do.. Since Tommy's passing we have seen so many signs of God's grace…. one we shared with people, Tommy's Balloon.. but there have been so many others. One was so very powerful, it brought to light what I had in my mind. After Tommy's memorial service…. we received so many sweet and beautiful cards. It took a few days to open them as it was very hard to see other physical reminders of our sweet Tommy's departure from this life to his heavenly eternal life. Jack opened one that was in such a beautiful envelope, inside containing a card… this card above all others was particularly joyful, hopeful, beautiful and truly a gift from Jesus to us. It was a custom card, soft vanilla in color, a sheet of paper folded over… with a sketch of Jesus holding a baby… See the person whom sent the card had not met Tommy, hadn't seen how I held Tommy~ in his favorite position… I was completely dumbfounded as to the resemblance of this tiny baby that was held in Jesus's arms. It was Tommy. No no it wasn't grief that made it look like him…. here is the story…………

I wrote this to her~ 

Hello there! Hope all is well with you.. I just had to write and tell you about your parents card to Jack and I. I am not sure if you had seen it or not, but (obviously) your mom made it. The sketch of Jesus and a baby. I have hardly been able to look at it without crying. In the sketch Jesus is holding a baby the EXACT way I held Tommy.. in fact the baby has a soft open mouth as if it were sleeping... which is what Tommy used to do... The card hit me so hard because it is what I needed to see~ Tommy in Jesus' arms... It has brought me such comfort because it put a picture to what I know is true. 

This is her response~

I have tears running down my cheeks. I know exactly what you are talking about because I woke up oddly early the morning of the memorial service and my mom was sitting at her computer crying. I asked her what she was doing and she told me God woke her up during the night and told her to go to her computer. She said He told her exactly what to do and she just listened. He was obviously trying to send you a little squeeze. I'm picturing you snuggling your little love just like that now. Hugs!

As I said yesterday was a hard day… while at home, I passed our front door… I saw a package sitting there. It was wrapped in beautiful paper~ I read the card and it was a gift from my friend and her family… I opened it and there in a beautiful frame… it is the sketch of Jesus and that sweet baby.. Jesus and Tommy. I don't think it was any coincidence that she dropped it off yesterday, that I was having such a tough time… The hardest morning yet… Jesus had a special delivery for me… reminding me that even though I miss Tommy so very much…. that he is in the arms of Jesus… The picture brings peace, hope, a reminder, love and joy…. If I could bottle up God's love, I would. I'd give it to all… If anyone has ever had doubts about faith, I would say talk to Jack and I~ we have been given so many precious gifts since our sweet Tommy was conceived… yes conceived~ these gifts He has blessed us daily, even in the hardest of days He tugs at the heartstrings of others to bless us. 

Love B

March 21st 2012~ 132 days

March 21st 2012

I feel as though I have lived a lifetime in these few short months…. Today was to date one of the hardest yet. I sat in the sunroom and cried for a good portion of the morning. Sitting there, thinking of Tommy and missing him beyond words~ I have looked in the thesaurus to see if there was a word that encompasses how deep this pain is… the english language does not have one~ a combo of words but not one singular word. I ran across a word (not in the thesaurus) it is greek, perilupos… it means severely grieved, exceedingly sorrowful and overcome with sorrow so much so to cause one's death (well I know my pain will not kill me but sometimes whoa it feels like it :) ) 

We are just starting on this journey, knowing it truly will last a lifetime. My acceptance of Tommy not being here I have faced head on, I have not shied away from remembering that night nor the searing pain that has followed… and knowing there is so much more to endure, so many more moments to get through and what I can only imagine more heartbreak to come. In speaking to other bereaved parents of children of all ages, including some whom babies were born asleep, I have realized what we (all) have experienced is a vast amount of trauma. Trauma that is at times relentless, exhausting and challenging in every area of your life. There also seems to be a theme that others feel if it has been 3mos, 6mos or a year that we are ok because "time heals"~ trust me when I say "time" doesn't heal, it steals… it steals your heart because you think of that last time you were able to hold you precious little one, it steals your thoughts as memories begin to slowly recede, it steals the present because you aren't always "present" in the moment, and it steals the future because you look ahead about missing them for a lifetime…. I feel all those of varying degrees at any given moment. I trust God to give it all to Him, I rely on His healing not times, on His strength because my own is never going to be enough and His promises that all is done for good, thru trials He sifts out the bad keeping only the good~ and uses it to His glory….. I rest in His peace. 

When I have those moments of tenderness I stop and pray. I give thanks for Tommy, I spill out my deepest hurts on Him.. knowing with everything I cannot bear on my shoulders gently falls on His. There is a certain reverence I give God that previously I have not given Him… Although I am brokenhearted about Tommy not being here, he was a gift from God and I am ever grateful for that gift. 

Sweet Tommy, I miss you so very much, love you with every fiber of my being……… 

Love B

March 6th 2012~ 117 days...

March 6th 2012

The last two days have I have seemed to be a reprieve from the sea of sorrow…. As if God has lifted me out of the uncertain waters, most likely only for a brief period of time.. But none the less it has been such a enjoyable few days. I have felt as though my breath is no longer squelched by pain and the lightness in my spirit is beyond words. This moment of unexplainable and immeasurable peace is welcomed and at the same time I am beginning to be able to once again look at pictures of Tommy with the joy I felt looking upon him when he was in my arms. 

I heard a song that spoke of how that the last touch was so painful. Now although it was in reference to saying goodbye to someones boyfriend/girlfriend… it resinated with me… It shot me right back to that fate-filled night when Tommy left this trouble earth and joined in his heavenly home… That last time I held him, although his sweet and perfect spirit had gone.. Looking back my arms stretched out for my mother to place him in mine one last time.. the feeling of not wanting to hold him as he was and yet not wanting to let him go.. the feeling of how painful it was to hold this perfect son of mine who just a few hours ago laid so peacefully in my arms, his sweet soft eyes fixed on mine… I couldn't nor can I still tell you how painful it was knowing that the moment I let him out of my arms was the last time I would touch him…. Most moments from that night can take my breath away~ and not in the good way… But knowing with utter certainty that I would never hold my son on earth again is one of compete agony. An agony that I am slowly becoming "adjusted" to and pray about a lot.

I am so grateful for every moment in my life, good or bad. I know with a beautiful certainty that my life is bettered in so many ways because of this trial.. Every moment waiting in obedience to what God desires me to do… I miss you sweet Tommy, Love you with all of my heart, and blessed by your being my son.

Love B

March 1st, 2012~ 112 Days......

March 1st 2012

One Hundred and Twelve days…… 

I can hardly believe it.. 112 days. In 9days Tommy would have been 6 mos old… 6 months… I just am flabbergasted at how long it has been since I have seen sweet Tommy…since I have held and kiss his sweet face… I feel like it has been a lifetime with out him…and yet it has only been 112days. I can't remember/imagine my life with Tommy when he was here~ and yet I can't imagine my life without him, surviving without him.. I can't look into my future and see how I am going to be…. Sometimes I feel like I am in a holding pattern… unable to land… unable to take off to a different destination. I am comfortable with the idea moving forward.. having another baby… And yet I am weary.. weary of another heartbreak. I had 2 miscarriages before conceiving Tommy…. I put all my energy, hopes, dreams into him.. He was going to be my rainbow baby… the baby that bridges the loss to happiness of a new baby… a baby conceived after a loss (usually miscarriage)… Tommy turned out to be my blessing baby.. my angel baby.. my sweet perfect baby… He will be my baby that will never grow up or grow old, I won't worry about where he is if he missed curfew or wonder if he is happy… he will always remain in my heart and the BEST is Tommy will be the first to greet me when I arrive home in Heaven~ for that I am beyond excited with bated breath await that moment I get to hold hug and tell him I love him once again… 

Sweet Tommy… I miss you. Much Love, Mommy...

Love B