November 30th 2011~ 20 Days

November 30th 2011

Ok.. I have completely hesitated to write about this. So much so Jack and I also kinda have kept the "Balloon" to ourselves.. The day after Tommy's memorial service, Estella wanted to bring some of the blue balloons in from outside (thank you sweet Kathy) … We brought 4inside, Estella let 3 of the 4 loose from our backyard and "sent them to Tommy in Heaven".. the one remaining ON ITS OWN (the ribbon is too short for estella to reach and neither Jack nor I touched it) migrated down our small hall way to the end whereTommy's Elephant picture hangs and it has remained there for 9 days. UNTIL today. I was sitting on our bed reading my bible (Isaiah) when Jack came in to ask something, then he left… a minute or two later the Balloon literally bobbing thru the door way into our bedroom. I yelled to Jack "did you do that!!?" he yelled back from the kitchen "do what?" I said you have to get in here! The Balloon was in the corner of our room (nearest to the door) it bobbled around eventually over to our bed (4ft away from me), then bobbled out about 20mins later…. About ?15 to 20mins later I exited our bedroom (to go potty) as I walked down the hall I noticed the Balloon was not there, I peeked into the nursery (across from our bedroom) I yell to Jack AGAIN to come and see… We stand there still and watch as the Balloon is hovering over "the bag" (yes the bag from Children's that has Tommys foot/hand molds and locks of hair) the Balloons ribbon is TOUCHING the bag, I stand VERY still in the doorway~ IT STARTS TO ELEVATE AND APPROACH ME!!! I quick go to grab my phone (in my bedroom) to take pics, I return the balloon has elevated again now touching the ceiling hovering over the rocking chair~ I begin to film… it quickly moves from hovering over the rocking chair over to his crib, then slowly descends INTO HIS CRIB…. I am not kidding. Trust me when I say, there is NO WAY that this could have happened by chance, there is NO WAY that the airflow has been perfect for it to stay in one spot for over a week, then somehow get sucked into our bedroom and leave, then get sucked into Tommy's nursery, descend on "the bag", then come towards me, then over to rocking chair and finally landing IN his crib. If you don't believe me, or have doubts, I will post some pictures and I have already posted it on youtube. CHECK IT OUT.  Tommy's Balloon (youtube) http://youtu.be/ovqPoCkChOY

I believe God is always with us, I believe that if we take the time, open our hearts our eyes we can see amazing things… 

Love B

November 28th 2011~ 18 days

November 28th 2011

Been a hard few days.. We drove down to get our christmas tree, past Hastings~ a good 45min drive. We had planned to take pictures of our family, but not this year. What was supposed to be a fun outing was now just another small reminder of Tommy's absence. I did good until we went to pay for our freshly cut trees~ it came over me like a vicious wave, a wave that consumes you, a wave of sorrow. I try and fight back the tears as to not ruin this for Estella, but I fail. Miserably fail, especially when Jack approaches the car with a cross shaped wreath, no words spoken, just holding it up and showing it to me, I nod…. I know what it is for.  No parent should have to pick out a wreath for their childs grave. The tears are free flowing and I am again reminded (as if I need a reminder) that Tommy is not here and his absence is becoming more and more evident, our hopes and plans and dreams for our little boy are now gone. Our love for him and memories are all that remain. Our memories are here but are a painful reminder that he is not. I miss him more than words can say, my heart is broken and it literally hurts.

There are other heart wrenching moments that I have on a daily basis.. like when Estella says "mom, i love my big sister t~shirt! Can I still be Tommys big sister?" ... I can hardly get the words out but say "You will always be Tommys big sister!"~ and in the car she usually says "mom I miss Tommy".. her seat was right next to his, she always held his hand.... Jack and I spent the better part of a year talking to Estella about what a great BIG sister she will be, how much fun a baby will be, how she is going to get to change diapers, help with the baby, what life will be like when he or she comes... my heart breaks for her.

Sometimes there is this brief silence between Jack and I, sitting in the car, on the couch or just doing something around the house.. it is like smog, the air is thick and heavy, heavy with memories of Tommy, sadness and grief… it is almost as though neither one of us can muster up any words~ this silence is not done in a way that is hurtful, but this silence is one of sheer pain, as though neither one of us can speak we are paralyzed by the presence of sorrow. I can't quiet describe it but say it is because there are no words, no words to take away the pain we both feel and that we both deeply miss our little boy. 

I still feel Gods presence, he is here.. I am still angry at him but in my silent prayers I ask for forgiveness for my anger. I constantly remind myself God doesn't take anything away from us to hurt us. I cannot see the big picture but I have to be ok with that for now… I still constantly pray. I still constantly miss Tommy… Grief is a fickle friend, it makes an appearance when ever and where ever it feels like… it sneaks up on you and grabs ahold so tightly that the only thing to do is breathe thru the pain, the memories and pray that God holds you tight. I feel strong but wounded. very very very wounded. Grief is also very physical, can't eat very much (maybe bc I am so stuffed with sorrow there is no room for food), sleep is hit or miss, I feel weak, and I feel as though I actually look different~ obviously look tired and weary, there is just a change in how my face even looks… maybe I am the only one that notices. As of 5 or 6 days ago the last of 2 physical reminders of Tommy have gone, my milk has finally dried up… bitter sweet for me, it was a reminder of him in both a good and bad way.. Now only the 4 inch scar that sweeps neatly across my abdomen is all that remains. It too will shrink and fade, but it will never be gone and oddly for that I am happy. It is like my "tattoo" of him, the presence of him when he was in my belly and how he entered the world. My little Tommy I miss you… and cannot wait to hold you again my sweet boy.

I am also haven't taken a xanax since the night before Tommy's memorial~ the reason behind that is because I want NOTHING to cloud my thoughts and feelings, I want to go thru this and (sounds weird to say) FEEL every emotion. I know I have an abundance of pain but I also know I need to feel it in order to get through this…. even though it is hard and at sometime unbearable it is better to feel it now than put it off. Not taking it is also why I do not sleep all that well, waking up no longer by the physical reminder of "I need to feed him" but now awaking because my heart misses him.. I am dreaming more~ usually consisting of me "losing" something and just constantly searching… each time waking with the same feeling of disappointment that I have failed and that whatever I was looking for I could not find. It takes me a good 20+mins to get back to sleep, falling asleep all the while praying for God to take the pain away for at least just a little while.

It near kills me to think that it has been 18days. Feels like forever and yet just yesterday.. I love you Tommy, I miss you Tommy….

Love B

November 25th~ Day 15

November 25th 2011

God is Good. Against all odds I should be curled up in my bed, hugging his blanket (which I still wear daily) and crippled by what I feel inside. God has given me such crazy peace, I just feel a sense of him holding me up (bc I am literally dead weight) and allowing me to really find small nuggets of joy. Between the weird quiet crying I seem to have an affinity towards and the sweet moments I have with Estella~ esp her little smiles I get at moments of internal sadness.. there is a grace that has been given to me by Him. SO THANKFUL for that..

Yesterday I had a number of breakdowns. Just sitting watching the Parade and waves of sadness of "what could have beens" and "what ifs".. It was also the first time I sat on the couch and realized I will never see him crawl, sitting there was thinking about what he would have looked like, me or jack or estella… Thump (heart palpitation) another reminder that my grief is physical. Just can't stop thinking of Tommy and the fact that yesterday was when we were going to introduce him to my extended family.. I realized this is just one of many days that I will really miss him. 

I haven't dreamed since Tommy's passing… I finally had one~ it was of my cleaning (more picking up the house than cleaning) with Tommy in my arms or rather in my arms but holding him upright on my chest, I can still feel the weight of his little body, I bend over to grab something off the floor and I am just pressing him a little tighter (as to not let him drop), the feel of him in my arms, softness of his hair under my chin.. I had done that so many times it was amazing to have that dream, it was short but I'll take any wonderful memory or dream of my sweet boy.  

During one of my many breakdowns yesterday, one was in the shower~ I couldn't even figure out for a while if I was crying or if it was water from the shower sliding down my face… I keep telling myself, he is gone and to stop saying I want him here or I want him back~ neither one of those are going to happen and I should start to try and think POSITIVE (even though I am super mad at my circumstance).. so anytime I have those HORRIFIC thoughts about how he passed and the very vivid memories of that night to immediately scour my memory for those amazing memories of Tommy… or even (which usually is better) I focus on remembering how he made my heart feel… it is amazing I close my eyes and remember the JOY (crazy love joy!) he brought me.. that feeling of love can truly warm my spirit. 

It is hard to wake up, get out of bed and carry on with my day.. but I do it. I do all of it by the strength of God, it is the only explanation I have for this. I putter thru my day missing Tommy and being INCREDIBLY grateful for the time I was able to have with him and everything else in my life. I have found a new appreciation and understanding of life, we are only given a set number of days and we don't know when we will be called.. it is not up to us when we leave we cannot beg barter or plead our way out of it, we cannot think that just by doing good deeds to others will give us more time… I want to look at every day, no matter how good or bad as a blessing and it should be treated as a great gift from God that I get another one.  

Love B

November 23rd 2011~ Day 13

November 23rd 2011

Today has been hard. Very hard. My heart is aching, literally aching. I miss Tommy so very much, my memories are so painful~ the thought of knowing that he is not coming back, that I will not see him again and I will miss him for all the days of my life here on earth is so overwhelming and saddening. Night time seems to be my most difficult, probably because that is when time slowed down for us (Tommy and I) we were able to just relax, hang, feed, enjoy and love on him. I just do not know how to go on from here. I can hardly look back at that night, the night my life was forever changed. I have reality staring at me and I hate this new reality. This reality is painful, it is going to drain me, it is going to take everything I have not to be ruined.. I miss Tommy. I have endured painful situations in my life, always feeling like I can "rebound" but this is much different, this is not a test this is a trial of epic proportion. 

I just sit here typing and praying to God that he will help me. Continuously praying. I just want to have him take my heart ache, to shield me from all of this. I truly don't want to have to hurt like this. It is scary and not to sound like a broken record but I miss Tommy and it has only been 13days and my heart hurts more and more each and every day. I don't know how to navigate thru missing my baby boy for a lifetime. I know I have to pray, take it minute by minute…. I sit here choking back tears… doing 2 of the only things that make me feel better, writing and praying. I am sometimes unable to look at pictures of him, it sends a earth shattering feeling throughout my whole body. I silently cry chest heaving, seeing his sweet face just breaks me that I can no long touch his sweet cheeks, pepper him with kisses, press my forehead against his staring at him eye to eye nose to nose smelling his sweet breath. God, if you can hear me, I MISS TOMMY, please help heal my heart!!!! 

I am summoning all that is left in me to ensure Estella feels love, the same love she felt from me before Tommy went back to heaven. I don't want her to be scarred by this, she told me that "she and tommy are my angels and I shouldn't be sad because Tommy is making God smile in heaven~" She needs me healthy happy and whole… she deserves a mommy to find joy in her smile, a mommy that doesn't break down and cries all the time, she deserves the best I can be… I pray for the day I don't count days by the number of Tommy not being here, the days where I can look at a picture of him with JOY instead of complete sorrow, the days where I can genuinely smile at the thought of having been blessed with a wonderful little boy who is now my angel... 

Love B

November 22nd 2011~ 12 DAYS

November 22nd 2011

Last night and today have been rough. Slowly my mind is emerging from the fog and being hit with the stark reality that Tommy is gone… I feel like I keep saying that but I don't think it is going to really be real to me. I read somewhere that losing a child is like losing a part of yourself~ I truly believe that.. because my body my soul (not yet my mind) feels a big chunk missing. It is hard to explain, but I am not whole. Tommy was such a blessing and I loved him so much that it has and will leave a gaping hole in my heart. I was crying last night, talking to Jack about how much I TRULY love Tommy, that is was so crazy because I didn't feel like that with Estella (maybe bc she was a tougher baby?) and I just am having a hard time working thru loving someone so much and then he was gone… 

I also feel like my "logic" side of my brain is trying to reconcile the fact that I won't see Tommy again until I get to heaven and my "heart/soul" side is screaming NO I want him now and I can wait. Also I am having difficulty even thinking about that night bc it was so traumatic for me. I just can't handle it. The sheer thought of that night, makes me sick to my stomach. Literally sick. I want him back sooooo bad it hurts physically. Makes me feel hot, sick to my stomach, I get abdominal cramps and weak. 

Love B

November 21st 2011~ DAY 11

November 21st 2011

Tommy, my life was changed by you. In so many ways, for one I never knew love like that before~ absolute unconditional feverish love. I kid you not, you made my heart grow so big at some times I thought it was going to burst with joy. Secondly, you made me calm, relaxed and confident as a mom.. Thirdly, you got dad (jack) to help nearly every night for every diaper change for nearly 4wks! Those are just a few I thought of right away…  As for the reason as to why you went to Heaven so soon, I truly believe one was to save me. To bind me to Jack, to make me take Gods hand in mine and know I cannot afford to let go, to soften my heart and ultimately save my soul. 

I looked inside "the bag", yes… the bag that Childrens prepared for us.. A lock of Tommy's sweet soft hair… Tommy's hand and footprints both on paper as well as in a few molds. HARD, heart wrenching and it was another dose of reality that I didn't want to take. I stood there in the nursery, peering between my tears at my little Tommy's foot and hand prints that are so small, it truly breaks my heart. The lock of his hair, the hair I smelled, caressed, the hair attached to his sweet head, that sweet head that rested continuously on my shoulder, on my chest, in my arms or at my breast.. I miss him more than words can say, more than I can begin to understand and more than my heart can bear. 

I waiver between silently praying, or at times screaming at God… to trying to provide a smile and some happiness for Estella. At times I fade away into the literal abyss of my mind desperately scouring my memory for stolen moments of Tommy… I don't want to forget him but I feel like I had such little time with him to stockpile memories. I do remember rather vividly the joy he brought my soul~ someone said "you loved him enough for a lifetime" I couldn't have said it better myself. For the love I had for him went beyond his mere months here on earth, I am truly thankful for that…  

Love B

November 20th 2011~ DAY 10

November 20th 2011

Today has been a flurry of memories, the bad ones. They slowly seep into my mind and I try like heck to get them out.  I pray that they leave, silently shouting at God to take them for just a bit longer because I am not sure if I am strong enough to actually process… truly process the fact I saw my son die before my very eyes, unable to do anything but shout aloud "Tommy don't leave me, I NEED you, you stay here for me stay, Tommy don't' you dare leave me, TOMMY I NEED YOU!!!"~ I don't want to remember that night. I feel like my reality is slowing fusing together in my mind and I am going to soon realize the gravity of it. That my beautiful boy is gone…. never to be held again, kissed again, touched again… Like a thunderous storm it is coming, I can feel it brewing from the pit of my being… I don't think it will be long before reality hits and a new flood begins. I feel moments of strength, which only God can provide. 

Looking back, only briefly bc that is about all I can handle, I feel like that night God slowly took Tommy from me. Little by little trying to allow me pauses in the horrific night to grasp that he was going to take my sweet son. To get enough moments between each phase of that night, first at home, then in the ambulance, then at Fairview, then in the ambulance and the final at Childrens.  I feel like he was taking these pauses for me to understand that he was going to take Tommy, to finally get everyone around us for when he finally went to Heaven. I again silently sit here shouting at God, because I AM MAD, HURT, FRUSTRATED at him.  As mad as I am at him, I need him. God is the only one who can take away the pain, to make this right and for good. A mother should not have to say goodbye to her son, to lay him to rest, to be left with the unimaginable pain that goes along with losing a child. I don't want this to be my reality. 

We went to church this morning.. it was hard, not in the sense of going back to where we had his memorial service but rather because I wanted to shout into the congregation "I LOST MY SON. HE DIED and I AM DYING INSIDE!!!! and then GOD GIVE ME MY SON"~ I know it sounds insane, I have those moments where I just cant take it anymore…I want to hear someone say his name "tommy"… I just want to curl up and cry out every tear I have, just to get it out of me. I miss him so much, words cannot even begin to describe how much. 

In the ambulance on the way to Childrens, he held my finger soo tight, squeezed 3 times and then our nightmare went on hyperdrive………………………………. I feel like he said goodbye to me at that moment. It was the first time I had been able to touch him, really touch him for longer than a few seconds in over 2hrs, he held my finger so tight I literally thought OH MY GOSH HE'S GONNA MAKE IT!! WHAT STRENGTH!! WHAT A GREAT SIGN!!! little did I know, he was going to make it… make it to heaven, what strength… what strength he held on long enough to say goodbye, what a great sign… great sign of a love between mother and son, son and Jesus, Jesus and God. As I am writing this tears flow (like they seem to when purging out my thoughts to text) I keep thinking God, why? Why leave this pit, this open wound in my heart?? doesn't God know me by now, I internalize EVERYTHING…and not necessarily the "healthy" internalizing, more the somewhat "destructive" internalizing. Why deliver the hardest thing to get through the worst grief to me?? doesn't he know I have enough issues?? why in the world would he think I could handle this!!? I wait, just sit and wait for God to reveal himself to me, what he wants me to do with myself.. for answers he will hopefully provide me.. for hope.. for joy.. for healing.. for my NEW future. 

Love B

November 19th 2011~ 9 DAYS.

Noveber 19th 2011

It's been a long 9 days. Seems weird it has only been 9 days without my baby boy. My Tommy. I have not comprehended what has occurred. I know that I no longer have to get up at night to feed a baby. I know that I miss something but not sure what it is exactly.. I know that my heart is broken. I feel as though he was never here yet there is a HUGE void in my soul that seems to be hurting beyond my capacity to understand (literally)~ I know that I am numb and at some point that will give way to unbearable pain. I am scared and know that the depths of this will rock me to my core, I know that I am beyond talented with putting pain in a box and storing it inside for no one to look at, know about, not even myself.  I feel like I have been hit by a tidal wave, it has washed across my being, I am underwater holding my breath… i know that eventually I have to take a breath and I know it will draw in the water, that it will consume me I just have to pray I get rescued. Also knowing that when I do surface, life, my life will never be the same…..

What little memories I do have of Tommy are shrouded in the events of that night, maybe that is why I cannot "remember" him. My brain and God are protecting me bc I am not ready to process what has occurred. I truly cannot bear thinking about that evening. To have such a joy ripped from my arms never to him again, at least here on earth. I am SCARED.

I feel like I am stuck in a castle, looking down from a tower… I see a HUGE stone wall surrounding my castle….. and I know he is coming.. The air changes into a physical sense of presence. I can feel the thunderous stomp of a dark horse on which the devil is riding, he paces around the wall looking, waiting and staring at me… anticipating just the right time to strike. He is patient, diligent and craves what is left of my broken soul. HE CANNOT HAVE IT. 

I am mad at God, furious with him. WHY. Why Tommy. Why take him?? He was perfect, I love him.. we love him. Why take him from a family who loves him? A sister that adores him? Jack and I who waited for him.. I WANT HIM BACK. I want to hold him, kiss him, love on him, feed him, change him, snuggle with him…. I want to finish my JOB, I want to be a loving mother to him.  Why have you taken him from me… Dear God, why, I need a answer, I need to know why you have done this to me, to jack to estella!? I know God has a plan, I know it is for good… but I want Tommy back. 

I have tasted one moment of true grief, where reality set in and took a hold of me. It was on Wednesday night (nov. 16th).. it scared me, the nausea and weakness was overwhelming~ so much so I literally thought I'd have to go get medical attention.. it was beyond scary and I do NOT want to experience that again… but know I will. 

How do I go on…. with life. Everyone at Tommy's memorial service (and after) keeps saying " your so strong"  part of me feels it is God who is holding me up, the other part is denial. I do know one thing I want Tommy's life to have profound meaning. I want everyone to know about him, know that he is with Jesus and know that although we are breaking (and will be broken) it is through God we are put together again.. kinda like a broken bone, it gets x-rayed, then reset, cast and eventually over time becomes stronger because it was broken. I want God to do that to me, to my heart, soul, spirit, body… I want him to help me fall apart and then put me together strong than before. I also have this weird thought of, in life you make these choices that take you one way or another… and maybe God "allows" things to happen, a profound event,  to "reset" you, to break you fully so that he can put you together again stronger than before….. 

I feel better writing this, getting some of the thoughts out of my mind…. 

Love B