July 20th 2012

It has been an overwhelming month…. it seems just as soon as I take one step forward I just as quickly take one step back…. Tonight though has been by far the MOST heart wrenching night in quite a while.

After spending the afternoon/evening with dear friends.. and as I was tucking Estella in bed… she softly says with a true sound of heartbreak ringing with every word… she says "mom, why does Gia get to keep Drew? why does she get to have her little brother? at this point she is crying, curled up in my arms, she was sobbing in my arms…there in the dark room and only a soft whisper as she continues to say "I don't understand mommy, why do other big sisters get to have their brothers? (again pleading with me) Why do other sisters get to have brothers… I miss Tommy, mommy I miss Tommy! I want him back… all the while my heart is breaking more than words can or could even describe….Estella continues to say  "Mom! Tommy is in Heaven and I want him to be here!!!"  If you can imagine, sitting there listening to you child plead with you for your other child who is in Heaven…….It is beyond soul breaking….  Estella finishes the 45 min conversation with "mommy, I wish Tommy wasn't special…. that way He could still be here and not in Heaven"

It rings through me like a wildly banging gong ringing in my head…. I get it. I too wish beyond wishes that Tommy could be here...

Love B

  

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord

plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future…… 

June 20th~ 223 Days

June 20th 2012

Sometimes I have to ask myself if it was all a dream. Being pregnant with Tommy, having him here….and losing him. It seems just as quickly he arrived, he had to leave. The tears and the pain let me know this was no dream. Sometimes I wonder why God allowed me to love Tommy with such fervor, I felt as though God lead me and my heart to such heights… only to allow me to dive into such depths. I know there is a purpose, a reason but it doesn't soothe an aching heart. I watched the video of Estella when she was on her way to come meet her new sibling…. In it she is on a hurried walk down the hospital hall, filled to the measure with excitement and chattering away.. it shows her entering the room running over to my bedside begging to see her new lil brother or sister~ Jack brings her over to the bassinet and she squeals and says "I knew IT! Its a baby brother!!!" we asked her if she could guess his name and she states with such assurance "Tommy!!!"… We had bought her a Kit doll, wrapped up all nice, we asked if she'd like to open her gift from Tommy and she replies with a stern "NO! I want to hold my lil Tommy"…. We lay him on her lap, she begins to sing to him….. I am immediately sickened. She too was brought to such heights only to have her dreams dashed as well~ I can nearly feel my heart crack a little more. 

I have so many questions for God. None of which is "why me"… I know that with Tommy's broken heart, he cracked open so many others… he brought love to so many people, he opened up so many hearts to kindness and love and thoughtfulness… those are some of the beautiful things I get to see…. I waiver back and forth on wanting to know the answers now and being able to wait until I enter the gates of Heaven…. 

Not many people have the faith I do. Not many understand how I can be faithful to a god who allow this tragedy in our lives. I feel like I can only go and live my life to show them that it isn't what happens or doesn't happen in life that makes my god a good and loving god… it is after, after the trial or storm in life that will show how good and amazing my god is. It is true he allowed this to happen in my life, but he also picked me up… holds me daily… breathes new life into me… and ultimately will guide me through these tough times…. 

Love B

June 19th 2012~ 222 Days....

June 19th 2012

Life never ceases to amaze me. I had to go to the dr because I have a bladder infection (yes yes tmi and no not pregnant) but it is the only accurate way to tell this story.. I went in this morning,  to the doctor… my obgyn.. I have not stepped foot there since my 6 wk check up and with Tommy in toe. Oh! I remember I was SO proud of him and it was somewhat of a lil success story especially because all of the wonderful nurses and doctors and even the receptionists had been thru 2 miscarriages with me, they were so so happy to see Tommy and I that last time… The contrast between that last time and this time couldn't be more different... This time walking into the building and through those doors took my breath away. It reminded me of my pregnancy with Tommy and of his absence. I saw the look of pain in some of their eyes while others looked as though they were just trying to keep it together, wanting to say something and reading me to see if it was ok to hug me, to ask how I am doing… for the most part there is the look of sheer sadness with regards to my circumstance.. I am ushered into the bathroom, I find myself praying begging God to not let me breakdown and to not let tears come leaping from my eyes, not because of pride or wanting to 'seem' ok, but rather to not freak out the herd of women in there with swollen bellies. I can't think of anything I'd like to hear less when pregnant is about a woman who had a healthy pregnancy and a seemingly healthy baby who after a little over 2mos suddenly passed away. It made me realize how badly I desired to be pregnant again, how scared I am and how every fiber of my being wants to have Tommy here with me. The raw acceptance of to life after you lose a child is a fickle one~ I wonder what the day will be like when thinking about Tommy won't be met with a internal physical wincing from him not being here and each and every memory of him, that my daily pain will be soothed a little and when the missing is turned to anticipation of seeing Tommy again… For now, I do life differently.. taking it moment by moment, day by day.. all the while allowing my heart to cry out for Tommy… knowing he is looking out for me and that I will someday see him again. Resting on the promise of God.  

Love B

May 21st~ 193 days...

WOW..... Six Months.

We have surpassed another one of my "milestones".. it has been a little over 6months since Tommy went back to Heaven. These last 6 months have been the trial of a lifetime. I am still fill to the brim with grief, but also filled with joy, love, laughter and a hope of a fearless mom.

Confessions Of A Grieving Mother.....

I have yet to meet a day with the inability to get out of bed, walk down the hallway past pictures of sweet Tommy and go about my day.... I think that is solely because of Gods grace.

I cry daily.

My heart is still broken, I know I will not ever be the same... rather like a broken bone the scar remains, the bone becomes stronger (like my hope, my faith, my love and me).

Sometimes I have to lie, when someone asks how I am doing sometimes I, for me, need to say 'good'.. sometimes I need a moment of normal in my day, I need someone to crack a joke or just hear about them and not talk about me.

I still do not have a reign on my emotions. Some days are harder to hold back tears... while other I can't and they come fiercely stinging out of my eyes... and then there are those days, when I can talk with ease with no choking sadness boiling just under the surface.

I love to hear Tommy's name.... I love to say his name...

I blow him a kiss good night... every night.

I still am not sure as to why God has allowed this in my life... but it must be for a BIG purpose-filled reason and for that I am eternally grateful for.

I need to write, journal every day or I am weighed down..

It has not torn Jack and I apart, but rather bound us together for a lifetime and I am ever amazed at Jacks love and strength.

I KNOW Tommy is in Heaven.... I KNOW he looks out for me, Elephants...

I now have the perspective and clarity as to my pregnancy, delivery and Tommy's life here. it is PERFECT if I was to remove one tiny key from any of the occurrences Tommy would have not been with us for the time he was gift to be here.

I dream about Tommy, as far as I can tell he is in a dream every night~ his age varies, his involvement varies but he is always there... I had a dream about a positive pregnancy test and Tommy was there telling me it would be ok and not to worry....

I still have very little memories of Tommy... I cannot picture him in my mind..

When asked how many children I have I say 2, a little girl who is 4yrs old and a sweet little boy who is in Heaven....

My love for Tommy has grown, just as though he were right here snuggling on me.

It does NOT make me sad to see other babies, if for some reason I well up it isn't because of Tommy it is because I know that it is a gift we are given, entrusted with by God to be mommy's... I am happy for that mom to have such a gift.

God heals when time cannot.

I have found a strength that I never could have imagined... a hope I never thought possible...

I want to have another baby.  Actually many more babies... and they will all know about their big brother Tommy.

I have not been debilitated by my grief... to that the list of thank you's is so very long so I will say dearest friends... thank you.. for calls, voicemails, emails, text msg... and even the drop in visits.. as well as for knowing I can't give a lot and you all accept that and still think about me, love me and pray for me..... I appreciate every one of those more than words can possibly express..

After all is said and done, I have found a peace unlike any other. To that I humbly thank God.

God Bless...

Love B

April 12th~ 154 days..... my heart still longs for you sweet Tommy

April 12th 2012

One Hundred and Fifty Four Days……. My breath completely taken away by that number. I pray that God scoops up each and every tear of mine… every time I hold my breath so I can take on the pain.. I hope He turns them into hugs and gives them to Tommy. I pray that He tells Tommy about me, allows Tommy to know how much we love him and how our love is not stunted or stopped just because we are separated.. As Estella and I were talking yesterday, that Tommy while in my tummy loved Estella so much, it is just like that now a barrier separates them, that Tommy is in heaven and loves Estella so very much.. When Estella came to meet Tommy at the hospital that very first time, she walked over to the bassinet peeked in and with a huge smile showed her love for him… I picked Tommy up placed him next to Estella and I on the bed~ Estella (out of the blue) began to sing to Tommy.. "Tommy I adore you and I lay my life before you… how I love you.. how I love you" (to the tune of jesus i adore you)~ Yes yes we did in fact get it on video.. She sang that to him MULTIPLE times a day.. every day. It was so very tender and sweet, it showed how pure love can be. I believe Tommy is now singing that to Estella.. multiple times a day….

"He delights in nothing more than our choice to believe Him over what we see and feel." 

"God exerts an incomparable power in the lives of those who continue believing Him. Nothing on earth compares to the strength God is willing to interject into lives caught in the act of believing."

So I am a reader and knowledge seeker by nature.. I have a vast amount of books on everything from christianity to psychology on marriage to child rearing on ballet to agatha christie not to mention encyclopedias, thesauruses, healthy and wellness, a crazy amount of grief books and roughly 8 bibles… Now Jack is not a "reader" it would be the last thing he would choose to do. In fact he thinks it is down right odd that I sit there while we watch a show and I am nose deep into a book or face lit by the ipad (oh the books!!)… I love to take a large net cast it out and see what I can acquire about a subject. Now if that means buying analytical concordances on one subject or another well… I will do it! 

I have not always been a strong christian, I have always known or resided in the fact that everything happens for a reason. Now I am not talking about this season of life… I am talking as far back as I can remember. I have countless journals dating back to when I was 10yrs old. There is a running theme.. now matter what happens I know I will be ok~ not just "ok" but really taken care of… not by my parents but something bigger… that everything that has ever happened is a part of my life story.. written before I was ever conceived. I eluded to the fact that I knew I would be ok, taken care of and everything would somehow turn out good. I have not had a easy life, there are childhood pains, adolescent hurts, growing pains in my twenties and well… now. Each and every experience has fortified my ability to handle life as I now know it.. but it doesn't end there, rather I feel as though it is just the beginning of my story. Almost as though all that has happened before was the prologue and chapter one is "The Moment Life Stood Still: when Tommy passed".  I feel a overwhelming amount of light filled force encouraging me to "get up and go, this is your time". It is as though I am egnighted. I feel like God is asking me to do things I formerly would be uncomfortable doing, it feels like every nook and cranny that previously was shadowed by darkness has been filled with light and I know myself more than ever before. I know why God had me go through things in life that were painful, it was all to mold my character, to give me strength that when the moment happened I could use it as fuel to His fire.. yes I am crediting God for my hard times.. as I have feverishly studied the bible He allows us hardships to grow us up so that we can glorify Him.. There is no greater contrast in life when someone overcomes what would be a crippling experience, season of life, accident or loss… I have now thanked God for those hard times.

I wonder where He will take me, what I will be called to do.. I know that what ever it is… It's going to be amazing, glorifying to Him and what He had planned for me all along. You can't get much more secure in life than that… I bow in reverence to Him. 

Love B

April 10th~ 152 days

April 10th 2012

In our bible study we are currently studying James. There are so many sweet verses, many about the trials we experience in life. I obviously cannot help but think about Tommy. To date losing him has been my (duh!) hardest trial~ living my life without my sweet son. Daily… moment by moment I miss him. In the book of James there is a lot of talk about finding joy in sorrow, now joy isn't "happiness" it is a soft contentment and appreciation of life… joy is what we find when amidst a trial when we find a moment… a second of peace and a surprise smile or laugh… I can say I have joy. At times I even posses a decent amount of happiness. I know that no matter what God allows me to endure in my life, it is always for good, always for his glory… there is no greater contrast in life when you see someone who should be (by human standards) curled up in bed, filled to the measure with grief and yet God gets to "show off" a little by giving that person joy, peace, strength and the ability to get up and out~ it is by these contrasts God gets to reap some of his biggest glories… I am appreciative that He has chosen me. I get a little nervous as to why, because I feel as though I do not deserve it~ the truth is I don't no body does… we all fall short of the glory of God. … but then again God graces whom he choses to and I am so very happy he chose me. 

I am ever thankful. Jesus…. thank you for giving me and others the amazing gift of eternal life with you and the ones who have gone before us…. some people say that it is a gift we get to "cash in on" when we are called home. I don't look at it like that~ see to me it is a gift for me daily, to think about and know I get to see Tommy again…

Love B

April 4th 2012~ 146

April 3rd 2012

This journey.. is hard. So many things that you uncover or maybe a better word discover about yourself that you were not privy to prior.. at some moments it is as though a thin veil has been lifted and you see yourself in all its clarity, as you have been this whole time~ you find strengths that you didn't know you possessed, weakness you've tried to hide and for me at least a contentment in life I could have never imagined. 

Like learning to walk on a tight rope suspended high in the air far about the steady comfort of gravity… life now is a balancing act. Some days my balance is off, every muscle tense bracing for a fall...some days my balance is the most precise it has ever been, moving with the grace of a beautiful ballerina. I have found I have to be conscious of how to spend time, allocating time for grief… for laughter… for resting… for living. I am ever amazed at how God has provided for me. 

Our little family has a love of the gentle giants known as Elephants… beginning with me finding a picture online and being "taken" by the painting… then asking Carl to paint a picture for Tommy's nursery of the night sky and a dozing elephant.. then Tommy passed. Carl feverishly worked at painting and framing the Elephant painting for Tommy's memorial service… bitter sweet~ a loss of no longer able to hang it in his room, for him to grow up looking at~ that sweet peaceful Elephant… to the painting becoming a major part of our blessings.. Tommy's balloon stationed next to it for days on end… then the balloon moving around our bedroom and then Tommy's nursery.. It has become a kind of peace in our home. A soft reminder of what my hopes were for Tommy, the future I had wanted for him…for us and how we are not always gifted our dreams but that we can still feel blessed. Last week while buying some summer clothes for Naples, I was checking out Jcrew's website… there I stumbled upon something that sent chills throughout my spirit… there laid a picture of a necklace, a lil gray elephant… alone on a gold chain.. I cried and immediately pressed "add to cart"… On Saturday, while we had my mom's birthday celebration… one of her friends had bought Estella a little gift, it was 4 knitted finger puppets, one of a little girl, one of a monkey with a baby monkey on its back, one of a lion and one of a elephant… yep elephant.. Estella cried out "hey mom its an elephant!!!" and Jack and I just stunned… Then while buying Estella some clothes for Naples yesterday, there it was a long sleeve tee-shirt of a pink elephant…. This morning… Estella and I were watching Shrek the Third~ in it is a song, a duet that is slow and rather beautiful.. I have loved it since I first heard it years ago (we watch shrek 3 all the time!). Today I finally went to go and see (iTunes) if I could find it. After repeated and failed attempts, I searched google and found it was called '9'… went back onto iTunes to download. Upon finding it, it brought me to the album with a list of songs. The song under it was called Elephant. Yep.. Elephant. I hung my head in disbelief, in humbled silence I gave thanks. These small, odd, amazing little signs bring me a peace that is immeasurable… as Jack says it is our insurance… I love that to me it is a sweet payment we are blessed to bring to the spiritual bank… to deposit. And on those hard and rainy days, to go back… to look… to feel… to know. That Tommy is in Heaven, we have sweet angels around us, we are held tight by God and our love continues to grow for our sweet baby boy...

I sit still.. very quiet. In complete reverence to God. To his plan. Ever thankful for his love, his angels, his son… and for my son.

Love B