January 27th~ 78 Days

January 27th 2012

This last week has been met with challenges.. Today finally feeling like I have a renewed sense of spirit. I miss Tommy more and more every day :).. I walk past Tommy's pictures and my heart just drops to the floor with such force it honestly can take my breath away. I am just so sad he is gone...

A few days ago, Jack and I were talking and he was struggling a bit with missing Tommy... grief is so unpredictable, it ebbs and flows so viciously.. We talked about how I have (obviously) a different daily dealing with Tommy and his passing.. I have moms and teachers asking about How I am doing, How are we coping, sometimes met with tears and other times I cry.. I am constantly talking about Tommy, how I miss him. I have opportunities to respond to people when asked how many kids to you have? I say 2, a 4yrs old daughter Estella and a 2mos old son Tommy who is in Heaven.. (thank you heather lange!).. Jack mentioned that he doesn't have those moments of talking to people about Tommy, work is work~ it made me sad because we BOTH love to talk about Tommy, we love to hear his name! we love to tell people about how we miss Tommy but are so happy he is in Heaven. I wish I could take Jacks pain away....

Today my devotional was this....

Trust is a golden pathway to Heaven... When you walk on this path you live above your circumstances. My glorious light shines more brightly on those who follow this path of life. Dare to walk on the high road with me, for it is the most direct route to heaven. The low road is circuitous: twisting and turning in agonizing knots. There the air hangs heavy, and dark, ominous clouds predominate. Relying on your own understanding will weigh you down. Trust in me absolutely and I will make your path straight....

It is perfect. That is what I hang my heart on daily... So today, I will pray for everyone, no not just friends and family.. but everyone, that they could also have peace amidst storm (however big or small the storm is)... Since Tommy, no not since passing but since he blessed us with his sweet face at birth, my heart has grown by leaps and bounds. Truly my capacity to love has just increased.. That is my blessing I choose to look at today...

Love B

January 19th~ 70 Days

January 19th 2012

70 Days… wow. The last few days have been incredibly difficult. Thanksgiving, Christmas and NYE all put together were less difficult than these last few days.. We have surpassed my "mental milestone" (i have only one.. this one) of Tommy being gone longer than he was here. It is heart wrenching. Simply sad. There are no words in the english language that accurately describe how much I miss Tommy, that feeling of missing him, and how badly I just wish for things to be different…I long for the day when I am able to hold him again… I feel like I am wrestling with the fact of knowing he is truly in a better place and wanting him here… The sadness doesn't consume me, thank God, but it is nonetheless very hard, it weighs on me like a lead jacket… I am having to fight the horrific memories of Tommy's passing.. I no longer ask "why" but what am I suppose to take from this/ what is the purpose God has for me through this…. I know this is God's plan, I trust His plan. I know I will get to see Tommy again… 

There are people in my life who don't understand, why would they~ if I hadn't lost Tommy I wouldn't understand.. Missing someone for the rest of your life, living with a hole in your heart and having to relearn how to live again~~ it is hard and going to take time (a lot of time).. I feel like I need to say that when I don't return a call, text msg, or email it isn't because I am ignoring you, it is because I need quiet time, time to regroup, time to sit with estella and just hang… it takes a LOT of energy to have a conversation sometimes, to get ready and go out… I am sorry, I don't know when that is going to change… I ask only one thing, please be patient.. :)

There is something that happens with time, it continues on.. no matter how much we want to rewind, pause, stop or fast forward… it continues to move forward at a pace all its own. Time also does not make things easier, or at least for me. It shows me the space between the last day I spent with Tommy to today. It shows me that time cannot heal (only God can). It shows me that as it continues on, I must as well.. In my daily devotional I read something that has helped me a little….

'Come to Me and rest in My loving Presence… You know that this day will bring difficulties and you are trying to think your way through those trials… As you anticipate what is ahead of you, you forget that I am with you…now and always. Rehearsing you troubles results in experiencing them many times, whereas you are meant to go through them ONLY when they actually occur. Do not multiply your suffering in this way! Instead come to Me and relax in My Peace. I will strengthen you and prepare you for this day, transforming your fear into confident trust…'

~ see I think that we are only supposed to experience things ONCE…. Reliving events (esp horrific ones) only brings more and more trauma. Replaying events truly makes you emotionally go through the entire experience all over again. I can't believe that going over and over such things are healthy or a healthy way of dealing with tragic events. 

As life unfolds, as time goes on, as my perspective becomes a little more acute… I realize that I am apart of a story, God's story.. I feel privileged to have this "role" and even more privileged that Tommy has (in my life) taken a "starring role".. I cannot count how many times I hear "Tommy's short life here has changed My life" from friends, family and strangers. I feel privileged that God entrusted little Tommy with me, knowing I would Praise Him through this..  

I pour out my complaint before Him, before Him I tell my troubles. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is You who know my way…..

Love B

January 10th~ 61 Days... in the writing mood.

January 10th 2012

I sit in the dimly lit living room.. crying quietly.. the sweet scent of white peach and bergamot fill the air. I quietly think "(deep sigh) I miss Tommy. God? Do you hear me? I miss my son. God, I know you know my pain.. I know you know how hard this is… Please please please answer me… God I know you know my pain, you once lost your son… You willing gave him to us, to change our world to bring us blessings for our salvation and also to suffer… God You know I need you. I know I need You. Help. Please help… For it is Your embrace I long for.. It is for Your Comfort… Your Peace. I don't need to know "why" but I pray You grant me patience and strength until You reveal it to me." ……  I feel like You keep imprinting on my heart "For I know the plans I have for you my dear Brita… they are plans to prosper you, strengthen you, bless you… It may not seem like it now, but I have something beautiful in store for you sweet daughter. Be patient… Trust ME.. 

Many people may think by surrendering to God, I am taking the "easy" way… as if casting all of my hurt all of my pain all of my heartache on the only one who can help is easy.. Nope no part of this is easy. No missing your baby is easy…No moment of silence when all you want is to hear your baby cry for you is easy.. Or slowly gathering all the tiny pieces of my shattered life is easy.. No becoming comfortable with the "new" me the "new" life is easy. Many days it is exhausting. But I think I smile, authentically smile more and more each day. 

I as though I have surfaced from being submerged underwater, God breathed new life into me…. I am weak from my struggle, my pain and my body my mind my spirit and slowly my heart are being revived.. little by little I am learning how to do all that was previously done with effortless ease. 

My one of my prayers is that we get blessed with another child (well actually a few more).. Oddly I have little fear about having another child, all be it I am not pregnant so that may change.. I can't wait to fill my arms with another baby. I waited nearly 2yrs for Tommy… Nothing can replace my "perfect baby" my Tommy or the spot that was left when he went to Heaven… but (as many say) it will fill my arms. 

Pray Continuously Trust Feverishly and Love Endlessly

Love B

January 10th~ 61 Days

January 10th 2012

61 days.. Today Estella accompanied me to BSF (bible study fellowship) for the first time~ they have a great kids program… After BSF we went to Target, I am a BIG fan to talking to my kids while shopping (at any age~ from babies to well so far 4yr olds).. Very rarely do parents get the opportunity to have a great dialog with little kids.. by that I mean Estella sits in the cart, I talk about what we need to get, then I get to ask questions, listen, laugh and enjoy her.. it is amazing being at nearly eye level with your child.. As we walk up and down the aisles we begin to weave a conversation.. I am ever amazed at how she begins to open up, talking about any and everything on her little mind! Today she just blurted out "mom, I told the kids at bible study about Tommy." I asked how she felt about it, if the kids had any questions… she then began to talk about how she missed Tommy and how "cool" it is that he is in Heaven. It reminded me of how I explained to Estella how Tommy is in Heaven and his little body is here….

Estella's favorite thing to eat are black olives.. go figure any olive will do, but black is her fav!

The Olive.

We were preparing to bury Tommy.. Estella asked "If Tommy is in Heaven, why is he (his body) still here?"~ clear out of the blue (aka God's divine words put into my mouth so I didn't mess it up) I said "Well… Tommy's spirit is in Heaven and his body remains here" with a quasi puzzled look on her face… I said you know we are like olives.. you know how some olives have pits? like those deep purple ones and some of the green ones.. well our bodies are like olives, when we are here alive on earth we have a body and a soul~ now our body is the yummy part of the olive the part you eat and our soul is the pit! Now when we die, God removes the pit from our olive and takes it to Heaven and our body stays here.. like the black olives the pit is removed and all that remains is the yummy eatable part of the olive.. 

She took to that idea like a fish to water! She still talks about how she is a FULL olive, pit and all.. Estella fully understands that Tommy isn't coming back, that he died and is in Heaven… I read in a grief pamphlet about children grief that most 3-5yr olds think that the brother/sister will come back, that it isn't a permeant thing, that it is just an absence. I thank God Estella understands, understands Tommy will not return, BUT that she will get to see him in Heaven.. Often when she talks to me about her idea of Heaven, about Tommy there is an air of excitement~ I love that. I love the fact she is so carefree with her love for Tommy that it transcends "location"… 

My Blessing for today~ Estella's love for her brother, for Tommy. For her sweet little spirit!

Love B

January 7th~ 58 days

January 7th 2012

I am shocked that it has been so long since I held Tommy. I have thought about how sweet he would be.. how beautiful he would be… how his love for Estella would have grown, how her love for him would have as well. She talks about him.. It makes me soooo happy! I love to hear her sweet voice say his name~ it is beautiful. 

I sometimes wonder what Tommy's passing did to her sweet little heart, I am jolted back to that next morning when Estella walked into our house, "where is Tommy?!" and again "where is Tommy?" and again and again… each time her little voice becoming more and more concerned. I brought her back into our bedroom, Jack sitting on the bed..  I kneeled on the ground while she sat on the edge of our bed…I had to speak those words to my dearest daughter… honey, listen… Tommy isn't here… Tommy is gone, he went to Heaven. God needed his little angel back home.. home in Heaven.. I am so sorry sweetheart.. if there was any one thing I could do to bring him back I would.. I can't. He is gone, (then realizing I needed to say those words aloud) Tommy died hunny… He isn't here on earth anymore… Tommy is in Heaven. Do you understand what I am telling you? Do you have any questions??  Her reaction was beyond heart breaking.. sitting there on our bed, she moved away from me.. away from jack.. and asked to be alone.  Seeing the pain in her eyes. Hearing the sound of hurt in her voice.. I just kept thinking am I really telling my daughter she just lost her little baby brother? God really?? How strong do you think I am God? Well He was pretty sure I could do this, I am doing this! I wake up every day with a longing heart, for Tommy to be in my arms.. I am quick to pray, quick to get out of bed, quick to be thankful for every moment.. and then it happens I move on with my day… knowing with every step, every breath, every beat of my heart is on God's time.. so I better have a grateful heart.. for that next beat next breath is NOT promised to us.. it is by grace that we are given each day each moment each person each and every thing! 

It is amazing in times like this times in which we are not meant to understand… the resilience the strength the peace and the love.. all become like a lighthouse to your soul.. allowing you to find your way, allowing you to be comforted. Even in the darkness, even in the questions, even when the hardest times of life are at hand… even in the heartbreak I trust God. 

Love B

January 4th~ 55 Days...

Jaunary 4th 2012

2012. Good bye 2011, thank you for your blessings and for your heartbreak. For 2011 I say………….

We have been hand picked by God…. Chosen..

Been given a gift. We received a beautiful baby boy, to love him, to enjoy him and eventually to lose him…

He knew we would love Tommy enough for a lifetime. He knew our patience in being able to wait until we are able to reunite with him in Heaven…

God knew we wouldn't be held back by anger or sadness…

But would become like warriors…  forging though the heartache and becoming the people He had intended us to be this whole time…

He knew we would look at Tommy's short life as a blessing and honor it as such….

All the while giving thanks and praise to Him.. Trusting Him and His plan for us....

What beautiful examples He would mold us to be and what a beautiful life He has paved for us…

We do not know what the future holds but I can only imagine if God can trust us enough to love Him through the pain of our loss…. He will bless us in many ways……………

Love B