Tommy's 1st Birthday........

September 9th 2012

Happy Birthday Tommy.

Happy Birthday sweet Thomas… our sweet son Tommy, little brother to Estella and treasured member of our little family. I cannot believe that you would be a year old! One Yr old.. I think of you every day and constantly throughout each and every day. You burst open our hearts, filled our life with love and blessed us in a way only your sweet spirit could. Not a day goes by where I wish you were here, I supposed that is how it will always be. I miss your amazing smile and yes you shot us a smile not long after you were born… Almost as if God granted you that ability, so we would never have to wonder what your smile would look like… Speaking of smiling.. I am now able to look at pictures of you and SMILE, my heart fills with overflowing joy at your sweet face.. Estella talks about you ALL the time, I knew that your bond was strong even when you were curled up inside me…You would dance around at the sound of her voice and it didn't stop there~ once you made your arrival your love for her was so clear, I don't know if it is normal for 2 day old babies to be able to move their heads in the desired direction, but you did…you loved to look at her, to stare at her… Estella loves you dearly sweet Tommy, she misses you so very much. You brought our family so much joy in your life here as well as joy in your return to Heaven~ you taught us joy in suffering (and still do). Although your entrance into this world was scary for us, it was truly a miracle… When the doctor showed us your umbilical cord and how it was in 2 true knots…how you had survived a rough labor…how I was at the hospital safe and monitored while your heart rate dropped to such low levels…how you were able to stay as long as you did while having undiagnosed fatal heart condition…how you were so strong, showing no signs of being sick and in turn giving us such precious moments with you.. You were a fighter, a survivor, a miracle and most of all a blessing… I am so thankful for your love, for your time here, for how you have helped us grow, how you showed us that God is here alive and active… I am so excited to get to Heaven, to be reunited with you! I cannot wait until I am able to learn the why's and understand everything… But for now I wait, solid in what answers I do have, grounded in my love for you, knowing that you sweet Tommy were here for a purpose… WE continue to love you just as if you were here~ for one of my greatest lessons learned has been, NOTHING absolutely nothing can break the bonds of love, that just because you are not "here" with us does not mean that our love stops growing rather it multiplies and grows stronger with each passing day…. We are so grateful for you, for your love and for God's grace…  

Although I have missed all those amazing moments that go along with watching a baby transform into a 1 yr old.. I try not to think about what I have "missed" while watching Tommy grow but rather focus on what we were able to give him…a feverish love, so so so many kisses, constant hugs, countless I love you's and hopefully enough love to last eternity…I do not feel sorry for myself, I don't ask 'why me?',  I do say what can I learn? where is the lesson? I am so blessed to have had each and every moment that I had with Tommy. Sometimes it is hard to believe that this is my path, our family's path… How could we endure such devastation and be so blessed?? What have we done to be given such grace from God?? See we believe that Tommy's passing is a blessing. Not because of the pain of losing a child, but rather how God came down swooped us up and wrapped us in his love…how God continues to bless us with His peace. I never understood in the bible when it says joy in suffering~ it seems so contradictory to the natural ways of this world. But then again, it was a beautiful lesson we have learned. Amidst our suffering, we were able to find the blessings tucked under each tear, blessings hidden in every breath taking moment of Tommy's departure from this world, the blessing to of EVERY morning we were given the ability to meet the day… blessings have become a way of life for us. It has kept us close to God, it has strengthened our faith and is healing our hearts. I am not trying to diminish the pain that walks alongside a parent who has lost a child, it is a brutal pain BUT it is a pain that (at least for us) was soothed by God's grace.  

Tommy…. We love you dearly, words cannot fully express our love for you… We miss you every moment of our lives… We are so thankful for your love, for your sweet spirit, for giving us 2 beautiful months with you….We look forward to the day we are reunited with you, completing what was halted that night you left this world~ joining again as a family… Again, we LOVE you… 

Happy 1st Birthday sweet Tommy….. 

This is a long journey, riddled with speed bumps and pot holes, has slippery when wet signs and winding roads, and wracked with pain as well as joy~  It is my journey, hard as it may be, I can only hold on to the hope and promises God has for me. He has taught me to be at peace in each and every circumstance that arrives in my life no matter how devastating they may be… We are NOT our circumstances, we are not defined by a tragedy or subject to our traumas…. I am bettered by my tragedies, strengthened by my circumstances and a warrior in Christ that overcomes my traumas…. 

Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. 

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trials, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him….. 

Love B

September 8th 2012

A year ago today, I was scheduled for an induction… The little baby inside was a week late and showed NO signs of wanting out. As I packed up for the hospital a year ago today, my mind raced with excitement on being able to meet and hold this sweet lil baby.. Today also marks the last day of my innocence or more so my naivete on birth, life and everything in-between. 

As we arrived at the hospital around 5pm I felt a calm as if God had just wash it over me. I checked in, the nurse taking my vitals, checking baby and explaining what the plan was… As she hooked up the monitors, she looked at the readout from the monitor~ she asked "did you feel that?" I said "ya, just a little bit" She informed me that I actually was in labor.. I was OVERJOYED!! I had such an easy and quick labor with Estella I envisioned a similar labor with this little baby. Things progressed nicely…until I hit a wall with the pain.. I asked for an epidural around 10pm and promptly received it (thank goodness!) the anesthesiologist and I joked about the fact once again the epidural only worked on my left side- as he exited he said (which I will NEVER forget) "at least you don't have to have a c-section" in reference to the fact that I could deal with only being numbed on one side.. With the beautiful epidural the downside is being bed bound~ it turned out to save our baby's life. I labored for a 30 mins or so, but it seemed that the sweet baby just didn't want out! It just didn't move down if ya know what I mean… Hooked up to all those monitors, bed bound I labored for no more than a hour, until a fleet of nurses came bursting in shouting "get on your side get on your side!"… It was the beginning of my loss of naivete.. The baby's heart rate had dropped dangerously low, not one time but 4.. At 3am September 9th we were rushed into the OR for an emergency c-section, oddly I wasn't nervous or scared again I was at such peace… I was at peace even when the anesthesiologist said I have a membrane between the left & right space where they admit the epidural & it doesn't allow it to numb both sides- he informed me that he was going to try something, if it doesn't work they would have to put me under general.. I feverishly prayed as he prodded me with what felt like a 2 x 4 and ahhhhh I was numbed on both sides!! After a few (long) minutes I hear him.. a quivering cry, that I AM HERE cry.. accompanied by a joyous "It's a boy!"~ a quick clean up and look over by the nurses and dr.'s, all swaddled up they brought him to me and that is when we fell in love. 

I have a abundance of emotions as tomorrow approaches. It will be Tommy's first birthday. I can't help but think of how a year ago today held such joy, anticipation and love for us. I remember being beyond overjoyed to have Estella meet her new little sibling, how excited she was to be a big sister.. I remember a feeling, a strong feeling of "finally" after 2 miscarriages I finally am able to have my sweet baby.  

Love B

July 20th 2012

It has been an overwhelming month…. it seems just as soon as I take one step forward I just as quickly take one step back…. Tonight though has been by far the MOST heart wrenching night in quite a while.

After spending the afternoon/evening with dear friends.. and as I was tucking Estella in bed… she softly says with a true sound of heartbreak ringing with every word… she says "mom, why does Gia get to keep Drew? why does she get to have her little brother? at this point she is crying, curled up in my arms, she was sobbing in my arms…there in the dark room and only a soft whisper as she continues to say "I don't understand mommy, why do other big sisters get to have their brothers? (again pleading with me) Why do other sisters get to have brothers… I miss Tommy, mommy I miss Tommy! I want him back… all the while my heart is breaking more than words can or could even describe….Estella continues to say  "Mom! Tommy is in Heaven and I want him to be here!!!"  If you can imagine, sitting there listening to you child plead with you for your other child who is in Heaven…….It is beyond soul breaking….  Estella finishes the 45 min conversation with "mommy, I wish Tommy wasn't special…. that way He could still be here and not in Heaven"

It rings through me like a wildly banging gong ringing in my head…. I get it. I too wish beyond wishes that Tommy could be here...

Love B

  

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord

plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future…… 

June 20th~ 223 Days

June 20th 2012

Sometimes I have to ask myself if it was all a dream. Being pregnant with Tommy, having him here….and losing him. It seems just as quickly he arrived, he had to leave. The tears and the pain let me know this was no dream. Sometimes I wonder why God allowed me to love Tommy with such fervor, I felt as though God lead me and my heart to such heights… only to allow me to dive into such depths. I know there is a purpose, a reason but it doesn't soothe an aching heart. I watched the video of Estella when she was on her way to come meet her new sibling…. In it she is on a hurried walk down the hospital hall, filled to the measure with excitement and chattering away.. it shows her entering the room running over to my bedside begging to see her new lil brother or sister~ Jack brings her over to the bassinet and she squeals and says "I knew IT! Its a baby brother!!!" we asked her if she could guess his name and she states with such assurance "Tommy!!!"… We had bought her a Kit doll, wrapped up all nice, we asked if she'd like to open her gift from Tommy and she replies with a stern "NO! I want to hold my lil Tommy"…. We lay him on her lap, she begins to sing to him….. I am immediately sickened. She too was brought to such heights only to have her dreams dashed as well~ I can nearly feel my heart crack a little more. 

I have so many questions for God. None of which is "why me"… I know that with Tommy's broken heart, he cracked open so many others… he brought love to so many people, he opened up so many hearts to kindness and love and thoughtfulness… those are some of the beautiful things I get to see…. I waiver back and forth on wanting to know the answers now and being able to wait until I enter the gates of Heaven…. 

Not many people have the faith I do. Not many understand how I can be faithful to a god who allow this tragedy in our lives. I feel like I can only go and live my life to show them that it isn't what happens or doesn't happen in life that makes my god a good and loving god… it is after, after the trial or storm in life that will show how good and amazing my god is. It is true he allowed this to happen in my life, but he also picked me up… holds me daily… breathes new life into me… and ultimately will guide me through these tough times…. 

Love B

June 19th 2012~ 222 Days....

June 19th 2012

Life never ceases to amaze me. I had to go to the dr because I have a bladder infection (yes yes tmi and no not pregnant) but it is the only accurate way to tell this story.. I went in this morning,  to the doctor… my obgyn.. I have not stepped foot there since my 6 wk check up and with Tommy in toe. Oh! I remember I was SO proud of him and it was somewhat of a lil success story especially because all of the wonderful nurses and doctors and even the receptionists had been thru 2 miscarriages with me, they were so so happy to see Tommy and I that last time… The contrast between that last time and this time couldn't be more different... This time walking into the building and through those doors took my breath away. It reminded me of my pregnancy with Tommy and of his absence. I saw the look of pain in some of their eyes while others looked as though they were just trying to keep it together, wanting to say something and reading me to see if it was ok to hug me, to ask how I am doing… for the most part there is the look of sheer sadness with regards to my circumstance.. I am ushered into the bathroom, I find myself praying begging God to not let me breakdown and to not let tears come leaping from my eyes, not because of pride or wanting to 'seem' ok, but rather to not freak out the herd of women in there with swollen bellies. I can't think of anything I'd like to hear less when pregnant is about a woman who had a healthy pregnancy and a seemingly healthy baby who after a little over 2mos suddenly passed away. It made me realize how badly I desired to be pregnant again, how scared I am and how every fiber of my being wants to have Tommy here with me. The raw acceptance of to life after you lose a child is a fickle one~ I wonder what the day will be like when thinking about Tommy won't be met with a internal physical wincing from him not being here and each and every memory of him, that my daily pain will be soothed a little and when the missing is turned to anticipation of seeing Tommy again… For now, I do life differently.. taking it moment by moment, day by day.. all the while allowing my heart to cry out for Tommy… knowing he is looking out for me and that I will someday see him again. Resting on the promise of God.  

Love B

May 21st~ 193 days...

WOW..... Six Months.

We have surpassed another one of my "milestones".. it has been a little over 6months since Tommy went back to Heaven. These last 6 months have been the trial of a lifetime. I am still fill to the brim with grief, but also filled with joy, love, laughter and a hope of a fearless mom.

Confessions Of A Grieving Mother.....

I have yet to meet a day with the inability to get out of bed, walk down the hallway past pictures of sweet Tommy and go about my day.... I think that is solely because of Gods grace.

I cry daily.

My heart is still broken, I know I will not ever be the same... rather like a broken bone the scar remains, the bone becomes stronger (like my hope, my faith, my love and me).

Sometimes I have to lie, when someone asks how I am doing sometimes I, for me, need to say 'good'.. sometimes I need a moment of normal in my day, I need someone to crack a joke or just hear about them and not talk about me.

I still do not have a reign on my emotions. Some days are harder to hold back tears... while other I can't and they come fiercely stinging out of my eyes... and then there are those days, when I can talk with ease with no choking sadness boiling just under the surface.

I love to hear Tommy's name.... I love to say his name...

I blow him a kiss good night... every night.

I still am not sure as to why God has allowed this in my life... but it must be for a BIG purpose-filled reason and for that I am eternally grateful for.

I need to write, journal every day or I am weighed down..

It has not torn Jack and I apart, but rather bound us together for a lifetime and I am ever amazed at Jacks love and strength.

I KNOW Tommy is in Heaven.... I KNOW he looks out for me, Elephants...

I now have the perspective and clarity as to my pregnancy, delivery and Tommy's life here. it is PERFECT if I was to remove one tiny key from any of the occurrences Tommy would have not been with us for the time he was gift to be here.

I dream about Tommy, as far as I can tell he is in a dream every night~ his age varies, his involvement varies but he is always there... I had a dream about a positive pregnancy test and Tommy was there telling me it would be ok and not to worry....

I still have very little memories of Tommy... I cannot picture him in my mind..

When asked how many children I have I say 2, a little girl who is 4yrs old and a sweet little boy who is in Heaven....

My love for Tommy has grown, just as though he were right here snuggling on me.

It does NOT make me sad to see other babies, if for some reason I well up it isn't because of Tommy it is because I know that it is a gift we are given, entrusted with by God to be mommy's... I am happy for that mom to have such a gift.

God heals when time cannot.

I have found a strength that I never could have imagined... a hope I never thought possible...

I want to have another baby.  Actually many more babies... and they will all know about their big brother Tommy.

I have not been debilitated by my grief... to that the list of thank you's is so very long so I will say dearest friends... thank you.. for calls, voicemails, emails, text msg... and even the drop in visits.. as well as for knowing I can't give a lot and you all accept that and still think about me, love me and pray for me..... I appreciate every one of those more than words can possibly express..

After all is said and done, I have found a peace unlike any other. To that I humbly thank God.

God Bless...

Love B

April 12th~ 154 days..... my heart still longs for you sweet Tommy

April 12th 2012

One Hundred and Fifty Four Days……. My breath completely taken away by that number. I pray that God scoops up each and every tear of mine… every time I hold my breath so I can take on the pain.. I hope He turns them into hugs and gives them to Tommy. I pray that He tells Tommy about me, allows Tommy to know how much we love him and how our love is not stunted or stopped just because we are separated.. As Estella and I were talking yesterday, that Tommy while in my tummy loved Estella so much, it is just like that now a barrier separates them, that Tommy is in heaven and loves Estella so very much.. When Estella came to meet Tommy at the hospital that very first time, she walked over to the bassinet peeked in and with a huge smile showed her love for him… I picked Tommy up placed him next to Estella and I on the bed~ Estella (out of the blue) began to sing to Tommy.. "Tommy I adore you and I lay my life before you… how I love you.. how I love you" (to the tune of jesus i adore you)~ Yes yes we did in fact get it on video.. She sang that to him MULTIPLE times a day.. every day. It was so very tender and sweet, it showed how pure love can be. I believe Tommy is now singing that to Estella.. multiple times a day….

"He delights in nothing more than our choice to believe Him over what we see and feel." 

"God exerts an incomparable power in the lives of those who continue believing Him. Nothing on earth compares to the strength God is willing to interject into lives caught in the act of believing."

So I am a reader and knowledge seeker by nature.. I have a vast amount of books on everything from christianity to psychology on marriage to child rearing on ballet to agatha christie not to mention encyclopedias, thesauruses, healthy and wellness, a crazy amount of grief books and roughly 8 bibles… Now Jack is not a "reader" it would be the last thing he would choose to do. In fact he thinks it is down right odd that I sit there while we watch a show and I am nose deep into a book or face lit by the ipad (oh the books!!)… I love to take a large net cast it out and see what I can acquire about a subject. Now if that means buying analytical concordances on one subject or another well… I will do it! 

I have not always been a strong christian, I have always known or resided in the fact that everything happens for a reason. Now I am not talking about this season of life… I am talking as far back as I can remember. I have countless journals dating back to when I was 10yrs old. There is a running theme.. now matter what happens I know I will be ok~ not just "ok" but really taken care of… not by my parents but something bigger… that everything that has ever happened is a part of my life story.. written before I was ever conceived. I eluded to the fact that I knew I would be ok, taken care of and everything would somehow turn out good. I have not had a easy life, there are childhood pains, adolescent hurts, growing pains in my twenties and well… now. Each and every experience has fortified my ability to handle life as I now know it.. but it doesn't end there, rather I feel as though it is just the beginning of my story. Almost as though all that has happened before was the prologue and chapter one is "The Moment Life Stood Still: when Tommy passed".  I feel a overwhelming amount of light filled force encouraging me to "get up and go, this is your time". It is as though I am egnighted. I feel like God is asking me to do things I formerly would be uncomfortable doing, it feels like every nook and cranny that previously was shadowed by darkness has been filled with light and I know myself more than ever before. I know why God had me go through things in life that were painful, it was all to mold my character, to give me strength that when the moment happened I could use it as fuel to His fire.. yes I am crediting God for my hard times.. as I have feverishly studied the bible He allows us hardships to grow us up so that we can glorify Him.. There is no greater contrast in life when someone overcomes what would be a crippling experience, season of life, accident or loss… I have now thanked God for those hard times.

I wonder where He will take me, what I will be called to do.. I know that what ever it is… It's going to be amazing, glorifying to Him and what He had planned for me all along. You can't get much more secure in life than that… I bow in reverence to Him. 

Love B