March 22nd 2012~ 133 days

March 22nd 2012

I have many in my life whom do not have the same beliefs as I do.. Since Tommy's passing we have seen so many signs of God's grace…. one we shared with people, Tommy's Balloon.. but there have been so many others. One was so very powerful, it brought to light what I had in my mind. After Tommy's memorial service…. we received so many sweet and beautiful cards. It took a few days to open them as it was very hard to see other physical reminders of our sweet Tommy's departure from this life to his heavenly eternal life. Jack opened one that was in such a beautiful envelope, inside containing a card… this card above all others was particularly joyful, hopeful, beautiful and truly a gift from Jesus to us. It was a custom card, soft vanilla in color, a sheet of paper folded over… with a sketch of Jesus holding a baby… See the person whom sent the card had not met Tommy, hadn't seen how I held Tommy~ in his favorite position… I was completely dumbfounded as to the resemblance of this tiny baby that was held in Jesus's arms. It was Tommy. No no it wasn't grief that made it look like him…. here is the story…………

I wrote this to her~ 

Hello there! Hope all is well with you.. I just had to write and tell you about your parents card to Jack and I. I am not sure if you had seen it or not, but (obviously) your mom made it. The sketch of Jesus and a baby. I have hardly been able to look at it without crying. In the sketch Jesus is holding a baby the EXACT way I held Tommy.. in fact the baby has a soft open mouth as if it were sleeping... which is what Tommy used to do... The card hit me so hard because it is what I needed to see~ Tommy in Jesus' arms... It has brought me such comfort because it put a picture to what I know is true. 

This is her response~

I have tears running down my cheeks. I know exactly what you are talking about because I woke up oddly early the morning of the memorial service and my mom was sitting at her computer crying. I asked her what she was doing and she told me God woke her up during the night and told her to go to her computer. She said He told her exactly what to do and she just listened. He was obviously trying to send you a little squeeze. I'm picturing you snuggling your little love just like that now. Hugs!

As I said yesterday was a hard day… while at home, I passed our front door… I saw a package sitting there. It was wrapped in beautiful paper~ I read the card and it was a gift from my friend and her family… I opened it and there in a beautiful frame… it is the sketch of Jesus and that sweet baby.. Jesus and Tommy. I don't think it was any coincidence that she dropped it off yesterday, that I was having such a tough time… The hardest morning yet… Jesus had a special delivery for me… reminding me that even though I miss Tommy so very much…. that he is in the arms of Jesus… The picture brings peace, hope, a reminder, love and joy…. If I could bottle up God's love, I would. I'd give it to all… If anyone has ever had doubts about faith, I would say talk to Jack and I~ we have been given so many precious gifts since our sweet Tommy was conceived… yes conceived~ these gifts He has blessed us daily, even in the hardest of days He tugs at the heartstrings of others to bless us. 

Love B

March 21st 2012~ 132 days

March 21st 2012

I feel as though I have lived a lifetime in these few short months…. Today was to date one of the hardest yet. I sat in the sunroom and cried for a good portion of the morning. Sitting there, thinking of Tommy and missing him beyond words~ I have looked in the thesaurus to see if there was a word that encompasses how deep this pain is… the english language does not have one~ a combo of words but not one singular word. I ran across a word (not in the thesaurus) it is greek, perilupos… it means severely grieved, exceedingly sorrowful and overcome with sorrow so much so to cause one's death (well I know my pain will not kill me but sometimes whoa it feels like it :) ) 

We are just starting on this journey, knowing it truly will last a lifetime. My acceptance of Tommy not being here I have faced head on, I have not shied away from remembering that night nor the searing pain that has followed… and knowing there is so much more to endure, so many more moments to get through and what I can only imagine more heartbreak to come. In speaking to other bereaved parents of children of all ages, including some whom babies were born asleep, I have realized what we (all) have experienced is a vast amount of trauma. Trauma that is at times relentless, exhausting and challenging in every area of your life. There also seems to be a theme that others feel if it has been 3mos, 6mos or a year that we are ok because "time heals"~ trust me when I say "time" doesn't heal, it steals… it steals your heart because you think of that last time you were able to hold you precious little one, it steals your thoughts as memories begin to slowly recede, it steals the present because you aren't always "present" in the moment, and it steals the future because you look ahead about missing them for a lifetime…. I feel all those of varying degrees at any given moment. I trust God to give it all to Him, I rely on His healing not times, on His strength because my own is never going to be enough and His promises that all is done for good, thru trials He sifts out the bad keeping only the good~ and uses it to His glory….. I rest in His peace. 

When I have those moments of tenderness I stop and pray. I give thanks for Tommy, I spill out my deepest hurts on Him.. knowing with everything I cannot bear on my shoulders gently falls on His. There is a certain reverence I give God that previously I have not given Him… Although I am brokenhearted about Tommy not being here, he was a gift from God and I am ever grateful for that gift. 

Sweet Tommy, I miss you so very much, love you with every fiber of my being……… 

Love B

March 6th 2012~ 117 days...

March 6th 2012

The last two days have I have seemed to be a reprieve from the sea of sorrow…. As if God has lifted me out of the uncertain waters, most likely only for a brief period of time.. But none the less it has been such a enjoyable few days. I have felt as though my breath is no longer squelched by pain and the lightness in my spirit is beyond words. This moment of unexplainable and immeasurable peace is welcomed and at the same time I am beginning to be able to once again look at pictures of Tommy with the joy I felt looking upon him when he was in my arms. 

I heard a song that spoke of how that the last touch was so painful. Now although it was in reference to saying goodbye to someones boyfriend/girlfriend… it resinated with me… It shot me right back to that fate-filled night when Tommy left this trouble earth and joined in his heavenly home… That last time I held him, although his sweet and perfect spirit had gone.. Looking back my arms stretched out for my mother to place him in mine one last time.. the feeling of not wanting to hold him as he was and yet not wanting to let him go.. the feeling of how painful it was to hold this perfect son of mine who just a few hours ago laid so peacefully in my arms, his sweet soft eyes fixed on mine… I couldn't nor can I still tell you how painful it was knowing that the moment I let him out of my arms was the last time I would touch him…. Most moments from that night can take my breath away~ and not in the good way… But knowing with utter certainty that I would never hold my son on earth again is one of compete agony. An agony that I am slowly becoming "adjusted" to and pray about a lot.

I am so grateful for every moment in my life, good or bad. I know with a beautiful certainty that my life is bettered in so many ways because of this trial.. Every moment waiting in obedience to what God desires me to do… I miss you sweet Tommy, Love you with all of my heart, and blessed by your being my son.

Love B

March 1st, 2012~ 112 Days......

March 1st 2012

One Hundred and Twelve days…… 

I can hardly believe it.. 112 days. In 9days Tommy would have been 6 mos old… 6 months… I just am flabbergasted at how long it has been since I have seen sweet Tommy…since I have held and kiss his sweet face… I feel like it has been a lifetime with out him…and yet it has only been 112days. I can't remember/imagine my life with Tommy when he was here~ and yet I can't imagine my life without him, surviving without him.. I can't look into my future and see how I am going to be…. Sometimes I feel like I am in a holding pattern… unable to land… unable to take off to a different destination. I am comfortable with the idea moving forward.. having another baby… And yet I am weary.. weary of another heartbreak. I had 2 miscarriages before conceiving Tommy…. I put all my energy, hopes, dreams into him.. He was going to be my rainbow baby… the baby that bridges the loss to happiness of a new baby… a baby conceived after a loss (usually miscarriage)… Tommy turned out to be my blessing baby.. my angel baby.. my sweet perfect baby… He will be my baby that will never grow up or grow old, I won't worry about where he is if he missed curfew or wonder if he is happy… he will always remain in my heart and the BEST is Tommy will be the first to greet me when I arrive home in Heaven~ for that I am beyond excited with bated breath await that moment I get to hold hug and tell him I love him once again… 

Sweet Tommy… I miss you. Much Love, Mommy...

Love B