August 18, 2013

August 18, 2013

I had to share..... This beautiful and somewhat awing moment for us this morning........

This morning we enjoyed coffee and some bagels while relaxing and watching church  (wooddale church) via live feed on the patio in our backyard... Estella wanted to use the ipod to listen to some music, earbuds in toe she begins marching around the backyard singing softly. She stops at the top of the hill and says "hey! Tommy's here shining down on me! Do you see the glimmers?? Do you see how the cloud has a hole in it and its he's shining his glimmers on me!!!" and "he is singing the SAME SONG as me in Heaven right now!!!!"

Jack and I sit dumbfounded.....and very quiet.... looking at each other and then up to the sky~ back at each other as if we were saying "ummmm you see that right?"........  See right now there is NOT one single cloud in the sky.... no hole in 'the cloud', we see no 'glimmer' or even a ray of light???? 

She points again as if we are simply not getting it... Finally we walk up the hill~ she stands there pointing to up the sky at the "cloud" and the "glimmer"..... Jack and I stand still and in complete silence~ totally baffled and a little uneasy bc where she is pointing there is no cloud, we see no glimmer... What we do see is clear blue sky. After a few moments of her pointing again and again at the location of the glimmer and cloud, we say to her 'ooooh yes we see'~  and yes fully lying to her bc it seems that we'd crush her little spirit if we told her "hunny nothing is there, we see no cloud/glimmer, we see nothing".........

I can say that she was blessed to see what she saw. I have learned not to doubt in these circumstances....... Finding more and more every day that it really is true, as we age we become more calloused~ able to less and less of what is truly out there....what is in plain view to little ones is hidden from us.....

Love & Blessings,

B 

Goodbye BerryPatch...

May 23rd 2013

Today was a day filled with tears…For all of us… It was the last day of preschool for Estella. Oh wow… it was heartbreaking to look at the faces of all those who've been there every morning, the teachers, mom's and dad's who have walked with us during every loss I've (we've) endured…they are a beautiful bunch of people who probably do not know how much they have helped us survive the loss of our son. There truly are no words for how treasured they are, how often Jack and I (even Estella) think of them… 

A year and a half ago, Jack, Estella and I each deeply heartbroken, walked into Colonial to bring Estella to school, it had been less than a week since Tommy had passed. Walking down the hall hand in hand, my tear stained face and our somberness was met with smiles and gentle nods. BerryPatch did what I can only describe as a AMAZING job at allowing their little school to be a place of ease, fun and stability for Estella.. She was loved up, hugged, held and prayed for daily… For that there are no words of gratitude that I could find to convey how much that aided in Estella's healing as well as ours. This year Estella was BLESSED to meet a little friend who truly is her other half. This little girl also has a sibling in Heaven, little Hannah. Estella and Jane speak often about their siblings~ they talk about what they are doing in Heaven, if they play together… soooo often after school they go to this little pond and "pray and talk to Tommy and Hannah". For Estella this friendship has helped her healing in a way Jack nor I could. She found something that each and every person desires, she found that she was not alone that there was another kid who has a sibling in Heaven… It didn't really occur to me how important that was and when she found it how much it would change her life.... if you think about it kids talk about their siblings all the time, it was only now that Estella found a little friend who she relate to on this level.. 

Today marks the end of a 3yr journey with BerryPatch… of our loss and a community filled with encouragement, love, kindness…. We are so sad to leave, but have been so blessed by each and every person, big and small, from BerryPatch… A thousand thank you… 

Love and Blessings,

B 

My God.

May 21st 2013

I read something today that brought tears to my eyes… I never need a reminder as to what I have lost, to who is missing in my life- in our lives… I also never need a reminder as to WHO brought me through the fire.. the most difficult and heart wrenching moments of my life….. 

"Your most profound and intimate experiences of worship will likely be in your darkest of days~ when your heart is broken, when you feel abandoned, when your out of options, when the pain is great….. And you turn to God alone." (by Rick Warren)

I could not have stated it better… For some not understanding the 'worship' part of his statement~ to me... worship is prayer, deep seeking of God and asking HIM to hold you up when your legs cannot bear the weight of your pain… There are so many mommy's who know this feeling… so many of us, hearts broken and in those most painful of moments~ we who reach UP, end up receiving a profound amount of love and strength from the ONLY one who can provide permanent comfort to the pain. 

"As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you." isaiah 66:13

Love and Blessings,

B

May 9th 2013

This time of year has been hard.. for some reason it just makes me think of Tommy. The beautiful weather.. being outside.. it is spring and spring is all about new life and new beginnings… I watch Estella run around, laughing and squealing with joy… I don't often allow myself to do the "what if" game… but I find myself thinking of that frequently… The what if Tommy was here~ I can only (obviously) imagine how they would run and giggle with each other, playing outside and long walks up to sebastian joes… I am constantly fortified with the peace that only can come from God.. a peace that goes beyond the normal and into the divine.. It still isn't easy…but I am just more used to it.

A friend asked how I do it? how I hang out with my friends with children who are the same age as Tommy would be… how I can handle being around my friends who are pregnant… I just said "because I don't want their babies or children, I want Tommy. I am not envious of them being given a gift, I am excited for them" and that I also know God is preparing something for me, for us… I don't know what (it better be good!!!) but I just feel like He is getting things in place so that His plan is as it always is… Perfectly Timed. 

I usually rest on God's words… but tonight… 

As Christopher Robin said to Pooh

"Promise me you'll always remember…… You're BRAVER than you believe, and STRONGER than you seem, and SMARTER than you think"…… 

every time I read that I think of Tommy saying that to me… 

Love and Blessings,

B

March 1st, 2013

March 1st, 2013

There are seasons in life in which it seems that the trials never cease… They roll in one after the other, crashing into you with no avail. It seems just as you catch your breath from one another strikes you. There will also be moments in life…where you look back and ask yourself 'wow, did I get through that?!' Those hard moments that seemed so bleak and filled with such pain and heartbreak… The moments in which you are able to look back are actually gifts. They are something to treasure, because you are able to see with such clarity the fingerprints of God…you see how He comforted you when you could not comfort yourself… He blurred life's other strifes and made them so small you could not see them.. He sent you peace and joy when you least expected it… He whispered to your heart "I will carry you through this child, do not worry I am bigger than this…." 

There is a part of me that is oddly not shocked.. and a part of me that is saying "again"? with such a pain in my heart. After what was over 13wks of a closely watched pregnancy, a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby…. Ultrasound after ultrasound, test after test, bloodwork after bloodwork the result was always the same everything looks great…. That Monday, after a night of being awake from 3am to 5am I decided I was going to call the dr…on a gut feeling that something was 'off' (not physical but a gut feeling) I went to my high risk clinic for a quick ease of mind appointment~ only to find out it would do just the opposite. There laying with the ultrasound probe on my newly swelling belly I knew…. I knew that the small little inkling of something being off was no longer a feeling but a reality. On the monitor I saw, a once squirming little baby filled with life~ still… The first of many many thoughts was holy cow, I was right? how did I know? we were JUST here watching a ultrasound of our little baby a week earlier… Then with a pause… we are here again. Again, really? how can this be… have we not endured enough loss?? the last miscarriage that occurred 2 days prior to Tommy's first bday nearly broke me, now this. 

They scheduled me for a d&c Wednesday at 11:30am at the hospital. I went to bed Tuesday night feverishly praying for God to make this easy, to make sure everything went smoothly…. He did just that. I awoke at 2:15am with cramps, by 2:30am I felt a pop and gush of fluid~ I knew I was going into labor…  Because we needed to do testing on our sweet little baby I knew we had to make sure it was a very sterile environment & we could pass off our lil babe to have testing done asap… We rushed to the hospital, was there for less than 10mins~ I deliver our sleeping baby… Because of how far along I was they admitted me to the hospital for observation (to ensure I didn't have uncontrollable bleeding or hemorrhaging)… I can say this, which I think is very very rare, EVERY person that attended to us was like a angel. Truly, every person, so nice and kind…. Their hearts were so evident and their sadness for us was evident in their eyes… Once I got to my room for observation, the nurse Peggy introduced herself… she was probably mid to late 60's and her tender heart showed me she had some sort of pain in which allowed her understand mine.. She and I began to talk, she ensured me it would get better… I told her this was number 4.. and I pray every day it does… She asked how many children we had, I answered a daughter here and a son in Heaven… That is when she teared up and said in a soft voice "me too"… We talked about how painful it is, how it does ease up but is always there..she shared how she still cries often about her son's absence but knows he's in Heaven and having  the best time.. We spoke for sometime, I knew just knew that she was divinely placed in my life for that moment to bear a little of my pain for a moment and soften the blow of losing another baby. 

I imagined Jesus taking Tommy's hand, quietly leading him to the entrance of Heaven and saying to Tommy "I have someone I know you are eager to meet... this is your sibling..".. I also imagine Tommy telling his sister/brother about their big sister Estella, about their daddy and about me.. I know it is just a thought but it is a sweet one to me....... 

Faith in God is like a lit candle…. If you sit in a dark room, with only a small candle lit~ everything around you is illuminated… That small little flame casts light where ever you shine it.. Imagine the candle is God~ it doesn't take much for Him to lite what was once dark and scary, He takes the unknown and makes it known… You are able to see the truth and cast out what is not…..

I pray that this trial builds me up, us up.. closer to God and deeper in faith…..

Love B