Goodbye BerryPatch...

May 23rd 2013

Today was a day filled with tears…For all of us… It was the last day of preschool for Estella. Oh wow… it was heartbreaking to look at the faces of all those who've been there every morning, the teachers, mom's and dad's who have walked with us during every loss I've (we've) endured…they are a beautiful bunch of people who probably do not know how much they have helped us survive the loss of our son. There truly are no words for how treasured they are, how often Jack and I (even Estella) think of them… 

A year and a half ago, Jack, Estella and I each deeply heartbroken, walked into Colonial to bring Estella to school, it had been less than a week since Tommy had passed. Walking down the hall hand in hand, my tear stained face and our somberness was met with smiles and gentle nods. BerryPatch did what I can only describe as a AMAZING job at allowing their little school to be a place of ease, fun and stability for Estella.. She was loved up, hugged, held and prayed for daily… For that there are no words of gratitude that I could find to convey how much that aided in Estella's healing as well as ours. This year Estella was BLESSED to meet a little friend who truly is her other half. This little girl also has a sibling in Heaven, little Hannah. Estella and Jane speak often about their siblings~ they talk about what they are doing in Heaven, if they play together… soooo often after school they go to this little pond and "pray and talk to Tommy and Hannah". For Estella this friendship has helped her healing in a way Jack nor I could. She found something that each and every person desires, she found that she was not alone that there was another kid who has a sibling in Heaven… It didn't really occur to me how important that was and when she found it how much it would change her life.... if you think about it kids talk about their siblings all the time, it was only now that Estella found a little friend who she relate to on this level.. 

Today marks the end of a 3yr journey with BerryPatch… of our loss and a community filled with encouragement, love, kindness…. We are so sad to leave, but have been so blessed by each and every person, big and small, from BerryPatch… A thousand thank you… 

Love and Blessings,

B 

My God.

May 21st 2013

I read something today that brought tears to my eyes… I never need a reminder as to what I have lost, to who is missing in my life- in our lives… I also never need a reminder as to WHO brought me through the fire.. the most difficult and heart wrenching moments of my life….. 

"Your most profound and intimate experiences of worship will likely be in your darkest of days~ when your heart is broken, when you feel abandoned, when your out of options, when the pain is great….. And you turn to God alone." (by Rick Warren)

I could not have stated it better… For some not understanding the 'worship' part of his statement~ to me... worship is prayer, deep seeking of God and asking HIM to hold you up when your legs cannot bear the weight of your pain… There are so many mommy's who know this feeling… so many of us, hearts broken and in those most painful of moments~ we who reach UP, end up receiving a profound amount of love and strength from the ONLY one who can provide permanent comfort to the pain. 

"As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you." isaiah 66:13

Love and Blessings,

B

May 9th 2013

This time of year has been hard.. for some reason it just makes me think of Tommy. The beautiful weather.. being outside.. it is spring and spring is all about new life and new beginnings… I watch Estella run around, laughing and squealing with joy… I don't often allow myself to do the "what if" game… but I find myself thinking of that frequently… The what if Tommy was here~ I can only (obviously) imagine how they would run and giggle with each other, playing outside and long walks up to sebastian joes… I am constantly fortified with the peace that only can come from God.. a peace that goes beyond the normal and into the divine.. It still isn't easy…but I am just more used to it.

A friend asked how I do it? how I hang out with my friends with children who are the same age as Tommy would be… how I can handle being around my friends who are pregnant… I just said "because I don't want their babies or children, I want Tommy. I am not envious of them being given a gift, I am excited for them" and that I also know God is preparing something for me, for us… I don't know what (it better be good!!!) but I just feel like He is getting things in place so that His plan is as it always is… Perfectly Timed. 

I usually rest on God's words… but tonight… 

As Christopher Robin said to Pooh

"Promise me you'll always remember…… You're BRAVER than you believe, and STRONGER than you seem, and SMARTER than you think"…… 

every time I read that I think of Tommy saying that to me… 

Love and Blessings,

B