September 9th 2012
Happy Birthday Tommy.
Happy Birthday sweet Thomas… our sweet son Tommy, little brother to Estella and treasured member of our little family. I cannot believe that you would be a year old! One Yr old.. I think of you every day and constantly throughout each and every day. You burst open our hearts, filled our life with love and blessed us in a way only your sweet spirit could. Not a day goes by where I wish you were here, I supposed that is how it will always be. I miss your amazing smile and yes you shot us a smile not long after you were born… Almost as if God granted you that ability, so we would never have to wonder what your smile would look like… Speaking of smiling.. I am now able to look at pictures of you and SMILE, my heart fills with overflowing joy at your sweet face.. Estella talks about you ALL the time, I knew that your bond was strong even when you were curled up inside me…You would dance around at the sound of her voice and it didn't stop there~ once you made your arrival your love for her was so clear, I don't know if it is normal for 2 day old babies to be able to move their heads in the desired direction, but you did…you loved to look at her, to stare at her… Estella loves you dearly sweet Tommy, she misses you so very much. You brought our family so much joy in your life here as well as joy in your return to Heaven~ you taught us joy in suffering (and still do). Although your entrance into this world was scary for us, it was truly a miracle… When the doctor showed us your umbilical cord and how it was in 2 true knots…how you had survived a rough labor…how I was at the hospital safe and monitored while your heart rate dropped to such low levels…how you were able to stay as long as you did while having undiagnosed fatal heart condition…how you were so strong, showing no signs of being sick and in turn giving us such precious moments with you.. You were a fighter, a survivor, a miracle and most of all a blessing… I am so thankful for your love, for your time here, for how you have helped us grow, how you showed us that God is here alive and active… I am so excited to get to Heaven, to be reunited with you! I cannot wait until I am able to learn the why's and understand everything… But for now I wait, solid in what answers I do have, grounded in my love for you, knowing that you sweet Tommy were here for a purpose… WE continue to love you just as if you were here~ for one of my greatest lessons learned has been, NOTHING absolutely nothing can break the bonds of love, that just because you are not "here" with us does not mean that our love stops growing rather it multiplies and grows stronger with each passing day…. We are so grateful for you, for your love and for God's grace…
Although I have missed all those amazing moments that go along with watching a baby transform into a 1 yr old.. I try not to think about what I have "missed" while watching Tommy grow but rather focus on what we were able to give him…a feverish love, so so so many kisses, constant hugs, countless I love you's and hopefully enough love to last eternity…I do not feel sorry for myself, I don't ask 'why me?', I do say what can I learn? where is the lesson? I am so blessed to have had each and every moment that I had with Tommy. Sometimes it is hard to believe that this is my path, our family's path… How could we endure such devastation and be so blessed?? What have we done to be given such grace from God?? See we believe that Tommy's passing is a blessing. Not because of the pain of losing a child, but rather how God came down swooped us up and wrapped us in his love…how God continues to bless us with His peace. I never understood in the bible when it says joy in suffering~ it seems so contradictory to the natural ways of this world. But then again, it was a beautiful lesson we have learned. Amidst our suffering, we were able to find the blessings tucked under each tear, blessings hidden in every breath taking moment of Tommy's departure from this world, the blessing to of EVERY morning we were given the ability to meet the day… blessings have become a way of life for us. It has kept us close to God, it has strengthened our faith and is healing our hearts. I am not trying to diminish the pain that walks alongside a parent who has lost a child, it is a brutal pain BUT it is a pain that (at least for us) was soothed by God's grace.
Tommy…. We love you dearly, words cannot fully express our love for you… We miss you every moment of our lives… We are so thankful for your love, for your sweet spirit, for giving us 2 beautiful months with you….We look forward to the day we are reunited with you, completing what was halted that night you left this world~ joining again as a family… Again, we LOVE you…
Happy 1st Birthday sweet Tommy…..
This is a long journey, riddled with speed bumps and pot holes, has slippery when wet signs and winding roads, and wracked with pain as well as joy~ It is my journey, hard as it may be, I can only hold on to the hope and promises God has for me. He has taught me to be at peace in each and every circumstance that arrives in my life no matter how devastating they may be… We are NOT our circumstances, we are not defined by a tragedy or subject to our traumas…. I am bettered by my tragedies, strengthened by my circumstances and a warrior in Christ that overcomes my traumas….
Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trials, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him…..
Love B
