July 20th 2012

It has been an overwhelming month…. it seems just as soon as I take one step forward I just as quickly take one step back…. Tonight though has been by far the MOST heart wrenching night in quite a while.

After spending the afternoon/evening with dear friends.. and as I was tucking Estella in bed… she softly says with a true sound of heartbreak ringing with every word… she says "mom, why does Gia get to keep Drew? why does she get to have her little brother? at this point she is crying, curled up in my arms, she was sobbing in my arms…there in the dark room and only a soft whisper as she continues to say "I don't understand mommy, why do other big sisters get to have their brothers? (again pleading with me) Why do other sisters get to have brothers… I miss Tommy, mommy I miss Tommy! I want him back… all the while my heart is breaking more than words can or could even describe….Estella continues to say  "Mom! Tommy is in Heaven and I want him to be here!!!"  If you can imagine, sitting there listening to you child plead with you for your other child who is in Heaven…….It is beyond soul breaking….  Estella finishes the 45 min conversation with "mommy, I wish Tommy wasn't special…. that way He could still be here and not in Heaven"

It rings through me like a wildly banging gong ringing in my head…. I get it. I too wish beyond wishes that Tommy could be here...

Love B

  

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord

plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future……