June 20th~ 223 Days

June 20th 2012

Sometimes I have to ask myself if it was all a dream. Being pregnant with Tommy, having him here….and losing him. It seems just as quickly he arrived, he had to leave. The tears and the pain let me know this was no dream. Sometimes I wonder why God allowed me to love Tommy with such fervor, I felt as though God lead me and my heart to such heights… only to allow me to dive into such depths. I know there is a purpose, a reason but it doesn't soothe an aching heart. I watched the video of Estella when she was on her way to come meet her new sibling…. In it she is on a hurried walk down the hospital hall, filled to the measure with excitement and chattering away.. it shows her entering the room running over to my bedside begging to see her new lil brother or sister~ Jack brings her over to the bassinet and she squeals and says "I knew IT! Its a baby brother!!!" we asked her if she could guess his name and she states with such assurance "Tommy!!!"… We had bought her a Kit doll, wrapped up all nice, we asked if she'd like to open her gift from Tommy and she replies with a stern "NO! I want to hold my lil Tommy"…. We lay him on her lap, she begins to sing to him….. I am immediately sickened. She too was brought to such heights only to have her dreams dashed as well~ I can nearly feel my heart crack a little more. 

I have so many questions for God. None of which is "why me"… I know that with Tommy's broken heart, he cracked open so many others… he brought love to so many people, he opened up so many hearts to kindness and love and thoughtfulness… those are some of the beautiful things I get to see…. I waiver back and forth on wanting to know the answers now and being able to wait until I enter the gates of Heaven…. 

Not many people have the faith I do. Not many understand how I can be faithful to a god who allow this tragedy in our lives. I feel like I can only go and live my life to show them that it isn't what happens or doesn't happen in life that makes my god a good and loving god… it is after, after the trial or storm in life that will show how good and amazing my god is. It is true he allowed this to happen in my life, but he also picked me up… holds me daily… breathes new life into me… and ultimately will guide me through these tough times…. 

Love B

June 19th 2012~ 222 Days....

June 19th 2012

Life never ceases to amaze me. I had to go to the dr because I have a bladder infection (yes yes tmi and no not pregnant) but it is the only accurate way to tell this story.. I went in this morning,  to the doctor… my obgyn.. I have not stepped foot there since my 6 wk check up and with Tommy in toe. Oh! I remember I was SO proud of him and it was somewhat of a lil success story especially because all of the wonderful nurses and doctors and even the receptionists had been thru 2 miscarriages with me, they were so so happy to see Tommy and I that last time… The contrast between that last time and this time couldn't be more different... This time walking into the building and through those doors took my breath away. It reminded me of my pregnancy with Tommy and of his absence. I saw the look of pain in some of their eyes while others looked as though they were just trying to keep it together, wanting to say something and reading me to see if it was ok to hug me, to ask how I am doing… for the most part there is the look of sheer sadness with regards to my circumstance.. I am ushered into the bathroom, I find myself praying begging God to not let me breakdown and to not let tears come leaping from my eyes, not because of pride or wanting to 'seem' ok, but rather to not freak out the herd of women in there with swollen bellies. I can't think of anything I'd like to hear less when pregnant is about a woman who had a healthy pregnancy and a seemingly healthy baby who after a little over 2mos suddenly passed away. It made me realize how badly I desired to be pregnant again, how scared I am and how every fiber of my being wants to have Tommy here with me. The raw acceptance of to life after you lose a child is a fickle one~ I wonder what the day will be like when thinking about Tommy won't be met with a internal physical wincing from him not being here and each and every memory of him, that my daily pain will be soothed a little and when the missing is turned to anticipation of seeing Tommy again… For now, I do life differently.. taking it moment by moment, day by day.. all the while allowing my heart to cry out for Tommy… knowing he is looking out for me and that I will someday see him again. Resting on the promise of God.  

Love B