WOW..... Six Months.
We have surpassed another one of my "milestones".. it has been a little over 6months since Tommy went back to Heaven. These last 6 months have been the trial of a lifetime. I am still fill to the brim with grief, but also filled with joy, love, laughter and a hope of a fearless mom.
Confessions Of A Grieving Mother.....
I have yet to meet a day with the inability to get out of bed, walk down the hallway past pictures of sweet Tommy and go about my day.... I think that is solely because of Gods grace.
I cry daily.
My heart is still broken, I know I will not ever be the same... rather like a broken bone the scar remains, the bone becomes stronger (like my hope, my faith, my love and me).
Sometimes I have to lie, when someone asks how I am doing sometimes I, for me, need to say 'good'.. sometimes I need a moment of normal in my day, I need someone to crack a joke or just hear about them and not talk about me.
I still do not have a reign on my emotions. Some days are harder to hold back tears... while other I can't and they come fiercely stinging out of my eyes... and then there are those days, when I can talk with ease with no choking sadness boiling just under the surface.
I love to hear Tommy's name.... I love to say his name...
I blow him a kiss good night... every night.
I still am not sure as to why God has allowed this in my life... but it must be for a BIG purpose-filled reason and for that I am eternally grateful for.
I need to write, journal every day or I am weighed down..
It has not torn Jack and I apart, but rather bound us together for a lifetime and I am ever amazed at Jacks love and strength.
I KNOW Tommy is in Heaven.... I KNOW he looks out for me, Elephants...
I now have the perspective and clarity as to my pregnancy, delivery and Tommy's life here. it is PERFECT if I was to remove one tiny key from any of the occurrences Tommy would have not been with us for the time he was gift to be here.
I dream about Tommy, as far as I can tell he is in a dream every night~ his age varies, his involvement varies but he is always there... I had a dream about a positive pregnancy test and Tommy was there telling me it would be ok and not to worry....
I still have very little memories of Tommy... I cannot picture him in my mind..
When asked how many children I have I say 2, a little girl who is 4yrs old and a sweet little boy who is in Heaven....
My love for Tommy has grown, just as though he were right here snuggling on me.
It does NOT make me sad to see other babies, if for some reason I well up it isn't because of Tommy it is because I know that it is a gift we are given, entrusted with by God to be mommy's... I am happy for that mom to have such a gift.
God heals when time cannot.
I have found a strength that I never could have imagined... a hope I never thought possible...
I want to have another baby. Actually many more babies... and they will all know about their big brother Tommy.
I have not been debilitated by my grief... to that the list of thank you's is so very long so I will say dearest friends... thank you.. for calls, voicemails, emails, text msg... and even the drop in visits.. as well as for knowing I can't give a lot and you all accept that and still think about me, love me and pray for me..... I appreciate every one of those more than words can possibly express..
After all is said and done, I have found a peace unlike any other. To that I humbly thank God.
God Bless...
Love B
